Square peg/round hole...

[S_Spartan]

I simply do not fit into this world. No matter how hard I try. What is odd is that it's possible to still survive and have a tiny little semblance of a life. I call it "getting your crumbs to survive," but you can't really advance or do much but wait for the next "crumbs" to show up.
Then sometimes I wonder if I'm just such an "old soul" that I've worn out my welcome in the world. In other words, my soul has been reincarnated so many times the the world wants nothing more to do with it so it no longer nurtures it but rather leaves it to wonder in the desert but still gives it just enough to stay alive.
I really live this monochrome, spiritless, alien existence.

 

[Unspoken]

I've never fit in anywhere but with a handful of individuals myself. I constantly feel on a completely separate wavelength with no hope of reaching the ones other people are on whether I'm around party animals or loners, cool kids or weird kids, brilliant minds or idiots, healthy people or sick people, left or right, religious or nonreligious, but I've been lucky to avoid bullying or being willfully ostracized. I guess that means I'm free to do something or other - there's a lot of empty space.

I don't know what to think about the "old soul" idea. It seems like an old soul would be a very naturally strong and wise one, but most people seem to be just people doing people things to survive - maybe you're different. I find some peace in my work and hobbies, which isn't social interaction but connects me to people and gives me something to be proud of.

 

[sullyS25]

Well it appears as if you are a round peg in a round hole on this website so that must mean in real life there are people like you right?

 

[awkwardamanda]

I was thinking about this recently and I realized I'm more like the octagon peg in the star hole.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I simply do not fit into this world. No matter how hard I try. What is odd is that it's possible to still survive and have a tiny little semblance of a life. I call it "getting your crumbs to survive," but you can't really advance or do much but wait for the next "crumbs" to show up.
Then sometimes I wonder if I'm just such an "old soul" that I've worn out my welcome in the world. In other words, my soul has been reincarnated so many times the the world wants nothing more to do with it so it no longer nurtures it but rather leaves it to wonder in the desert but still gives it just enough to stay alive.
I really live this monochrome, spiritless, alien existence.

Truth is, no one really fits in. We all feel alienated. Don't worry about fitting in, not much you can do about that. But, having a life.....that's something you can put some effort into. Work out so you can look and feel better. It will give you more confidence to approach a girl. Since life is so bland at this point for you, you have nothing to lose. Take a few chances, live...have some fun. So what if you get rejected, you feel that way regardless.

Hang in there!

 

[S_Spartan]

Truth is, no one really fits in. We all feel alienated. Don't worry about fitting in, not much you can do about that. But, having a life.....that's something you can put some effort into. Work out so you can look and feel better. It will give you more confidence to approach a girl. Since life is so bland at this point for you, you have nothing to lose. Take a few chances, live...have some fun. So what if you get rejected, you feel that way regardless.

Hang in there!

I have been doing all that. I've even joined a gym. The thing is now, I'm tired. I'm a middle-aged guy. I do all kind of stuff but nothing leads anywhere. It's always a dead end, whereas with most people they are always moving upward. Each new situation seems to lead to something even better. I'm still at the exact same place I was 20 years ago and it's darned depressing!

 

[Unspoken]

I have been doing all that. I've even joined a gym. The thing is now, I'm tired. I'm a middle-aged guy. I do all kind of stuff but nothing leads anywhere. It's always a dead end, whereas with most people they are always moving upward. Each new situation seems to lead to something even better. I'm still at the exact same place I was 20 years ago and it's darned depressing!

Regardless of what you actually do, what do you want to do? One of my problems was that what I was trying to do wasn't in line with my own values at all, so even if I was technically good at it it was hollow and didn't lead anywhere.

 

[skins]

wow this post rang true for me on soo many levels it gave me shivers...i think its possible your explanation of having gone around so many times may well infact be true. i have often felt superior to other people in my ability to think deeply and contemplate existance and not dwell in a superfical plane like most people seem to...and this may well be as a result of having an extremely aged soul. i saved your post to keep.

 

[S_Spartan]

Regardless of what you actually do, what do you want to do? One of my problems was that what I was trying to do wasn't in line with my own values at all, so even if I was technically good at it it was hollow and didn't lead anywhere.

It's very interesting that you mention values. As I have aged my values have totally fallen away. I am still nice to people. I help people out when I can so I guess I do have values in that way but I don't really have any beliefs anymore. I am pretty much a blank slate now and I would even go as far to say that I am amoral. I don't really think in terms of "good" and "bad" any more, just "what is." I would say that life has beaten my values and beliefs out of me. I am a blank slate!

 

[S_Spartan]

wow this post rang true for me on soo many levels it gave me shivers...i think its possible your explanation of having gone around so many times may well infact be true. i have often felt superior to other people in my ability to think deeply and contemplate existance and not dwell in a superfical plane like most people seem to...and this may well be as a result of having an extremely aged soul. i saved your post to keep.

Thanks. I really do appreciate the suggestions that people give me. Suggestions like "hit the gym" are valid because that does help while I'm at the gym but after I leave I go back to the same old existence.
I feel like I'm dealing with something much deeper here. I am not part of the world. In may ways I feel like I'm becoming a non-person. It's not a lack of confidence. My confidence in my 40s is now the highest it's ever been. But it's more like the world is saying "we don't need you and you don't need us." All of my dealings with people are always veiled and it's not me that is doing that. It hasn't always been this way either.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Can I ask what made you so disillusional? You say you're at the same point than 20 years ago, what is that point and what have you tried to go passed that point?

 

[S_Spartan]

Can I ask what made you so disillusional? You say you're at the same point than 20 years ago, what is that point and what have you tried to go passed that point?

I am back living with my parents. I'm in the same room I was in 20 years ago. I'm not the same person I was 20 years ago but I'm back here in this same place alone. In those 20 years I've gone to college, been engaged twice, moved far away, had jobs but none of it worked out. It all went sour. I used to blame myself for that but looking back I don't think it was all my fault. Plus, many people make horrible choices but still managed to advance in life. I have a cousin who has been divorced 4 times and has kids to multiple fathers but yet her life just gets better every year. I know a guy with a criminal record who now works for the government. He just got a promotion! This is why I say that life just seem to nurture some people along while rejecting others.
But I've tried to do things right, I've taken the hard and stressful steps but I ended up back here basically with nothing. I hate to sound dramatic but I'm tired!
I have made progress but it's all been internal and what frustrates the heck out of me is that I can't seem to parlay that into external progress.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I have been doing all that. I've even joined a gym. The thing is now, I'm tired. I'm a middle-aged guy. I do all kind of stuff but nothing leads anywhere. It's always a dead end, whereas with most people they are always moving upward. Each new situation seems to lead to something even better. I'm still at the exact same place I was 20 years ago and it's darned depressing!

Hmmm.....Are you dating? As you asking women out on dates?

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I am back living with my parents. I'm in the same room I was in 20 years ago. I'm not the same person I was 20 years ago but I'm back here in this same place alone. In those 20 years I've gone to college, been engaged twice, moved far away, had jobs but none of it worked out. It all went sour. I used to blame myself for that but looking back I don't think it was all my fault. Plus, many people make horrible choices but still managed to advance in life. I have a cousin who has been divorced 4 times and has kids to multiple fathers but yet her life just gets better every year. I know a guy with a criminal record who now works for the government. He just got a promotion! This is why I say that life just seem to nurture some people along while rejecting others.
But I've tried to do things right, I've taken the hard and stressful steps but I ended up back here basically with nothing. I hate to sound dramatic but I'm tired!
I have made progress but it's all been internal and what frustrates the heck out of me is that I can't seem to parlay that into external progress.

I'm also back living at home. Having mental illness, is costly! I completely feel your frustration as I'm in a similar position. It's embarrassing, humiliating and you (well I) feel defeated and hopeless.

But, I'm trying to give it another go. I have a degree but I'm now taking college courses. Even if I find a job, I plan to take a class every semester, just to learn and improve myself. (computer, film, English etc).

And I'm trying to get in shape so I can ask out a girl...........Female companionship is what I personally need the most.

 

[skins]

this might be a completely personal question and you dont have to answer it but..you mention you were engaged twice, do you mind if i ask what it was that was the deal breaker in those two occasions, to prevent marriage? i often wonder if mental illness sudenly becomes too much for someone to bear seeing in their partner, or it sort of just builds up to a critical level. Dont get me wrong it may have had nothng to do with mental illness.

 

[theslowesthand]

I leant many many years ago not to even bother with trying to fit into this world. Too many times have i got laughed at, ridiculed, etc, when i were triying to be "normal" as best as i could. Fact is, i'm a very long way from being normal, so it's not even worth thinking about trying to be "accepted" by society, so i don't even try. And another side-effect is that i have also never tried to find/get a woman partner, as my self-confidence has always been in-the-gutter, primarily due to the above i think. So i've just "done my own thing", for my whole life, not worrying about peer pressures, conforming, doing what "everybody else" is doing. I have paid the price for doing so though - created quite a few bad habits, gotten bogged down into depression many a time, lived a very unhealthy lifestyle. Some common ways/customs that society has, are actually good, and they work. Most of my ways, being a "pioneer" so-to-speak, are new, untested, and so most don't work at all, and are actually very bad ways to have.

I have made progress but it's all been internal and what frustrates the heck out of me is that I can't seem to parlay that into external progress

Same here. Can't seem able to do or change or progress with anything in the "real world". Nothiong ever seems to change, in the "concrete" sense ... yet ambiguously, at the mental/emotional sense things are always changing flat-tack ... but even with that (my mental health/issues) nothing ever seems to change, as still most of my main problems that i had 20 years ago.


I had saved some stuff before on soul-age/reincarnation/etc but couldn't locate it ... but i found some web links on it:
Reincarnation: the 35 steps of soul evolution | Personality & Spirituality
The seven soul types: what do they look like? | Personality & Spirituality

 

[S_Spartan]

Hmmm.....Are you dating? As you asking women out on dates?

No, I'm not asking anyone out on dates right now.

 

[S_Spartan]

this might be a completely personal question and you dont have to answer it but..you mention you were engaged twice, do you mind if i ask what it was that was the deal breaker in those two occasions, to prevent marriage? i often wonder if mental illness sudenly becomes too much for someone to bear seeing in their partner, or it sort of just builds up to a critical level. Dont get me wrong it may have had nothng to do with mental illness.

In both relationships we gave each other a run for our money as far as mental issues go. The first one broke up with me. I don't really blame her as I was in a terrible place mentally at that time but she was crazy herself and came from a very dysfunctional family and she was a hoarder.
The second one was a mutual break up because we were both exhausted with dealing with each other's mental illness. She was mainly fed up with my OCD and I was convinced that she had/has Asperger's syndrome because she was "distant" and too "rigid" for me. We are still good friends and we talk on the phone a few times a week.
So, yes, mental illness played a part in the demise of both of these relationships.

 

[S_Spartan]

Same here. Can't seem able to do or change or progress with anything in the "real world". Nothiong ever seems to change, in the "concrete" sense ... yet ambiguously, at the mental/emotional sense things are always changing flat-tack ... but even with that (my mental health/issues) nothing ever seems to change, as still most of my main problems that i had 20 years ago.


I had saved some stuff before on soul-age/reincarnation/etc but couldn't locate it ... but i found some web links on it:
Reincarnation: the 35 steps of soul evolution | Personality & Spirituality
The seven soul types: what do they look like? | Personality & Spirituality

Thanks for those links!
My mental issues have gotten a bit better with time. Or should I say that I've learned to handle them better. Even my physician told me last year that she felt that I didn't need meds because she thought I was doing a great job of dealing with my mental and emotional problems. Still, I can't seem to get anything going "out there" in the real world. There are people who have worse issues than I have and they still are able to have a somewhat normal adult existence. Just look at all the "functional" alcoholics out there with good jobs! I know a few myself!