Hi MY NAME IS PEN AND I HAVE SOCIAL PHOBIA It has become a pshyciatric condition because of the extent and the length of time of the problem and the impact it has on me makes me wont to give up altogether and die, I am insane most of the time worrying what others think of me.. I think its going to drive me mad at times. I have never really reached out for real help other than reading books about SA and my doctor has been prescribing me with anti depressants which do not help me. I once had CBT some time ago. I would like to explain that I have a problems speaking in groups but you wouldnt think so because I can talk and talk until the cows come home but it hasnt always been that way! You wouldnt think I had such a problem because I come across as confident, and again it hasnt always been that way. I think I am making up for lost time as a child I was so shy I never interacted or socialized because of all the fear and of what could go wrong. In adulthood I turned to alcohol and drugs and that just caused more problems. I now attend the 12 step programme of AA as a result of my excessive binge drinking. It is a fantastic programme and it has helped me get my life back in order but the speaking and sharing stuff at the meetings has been a complete nightmare for me and at first I couldnt understand myself. I get so caught up in what im trying to say that it comes out disorginised and sounds like nonsense and people have avoided me i have noticed over time. The worse thing about it all is the post mortem part afterwards that I cannot seem to stop which makes it much worse and it is so difficult to stop and change how i think half way through despite CBT. I know my thinking is irrational all the same but why do I carry on doing it. It is painful that I dont wont to go back to the meetings and face people because I feel so foolish and inadequate. I am belittling myself and I come across as having low self esteem and unconfident which i am when it comes to theese meetings and sharing stuff. It feels like im doomed if i do and doomed if i dont share my inventory and its so important to share its a big part of my recovery depends on it. SA dominates my every waking day moment by moment night and day day in day out, I have become obsessed with it all and drained.I cannot stop going to the meetings as that is not the answer. I have felt so alone and isolated, bitter and resentful at the world and at myself. I keep trying to explain to other members of the meetings that i have SA and they say everyone is scared at talking up and it makes me feel even more isolated. I do not wont to give up on myself or the meetings as I have come a long way from where I once was and its now time I start to adress this matter as it has become a bigger problem than it has me recovering from the drug alcohol which I use to drink in excess to blot things out and as a confidence booster. i am looking forward to attending meetings for this condition so i can learn how to recover from yet another dilema.