Anonymous
Well-known member
So, I have this friend who is... reclusive. I would really like to gain some insight if anyone has any. I want to understand him better (without, of course, being presumptuous - obviously the only person who can really say what's going on is he, himself, and he doesn't seem to be very good at putting those kinds of things into words).
He's a really intelligent guy. I've known him for about 3 years. We both belong to the same co-ed social fraternity, and have a lot of mutual friends, most of whom have known him for 5-6 years. He and I were Class '02, so we're graduated now but still live in the area.
I've interacted with and befriended a lot of introverts before (I'm somewhat introverted myself), but he's different. I've *never* seen him fully relax. As far as I've seen, his "relaxed" state is a low level of tension and discomfort. I've never seen him get very stressed out, either. He doesn't strike me as anxious or depressed. (Obviously, it's hard to tell, but he doesn't seem to relate to depression at all when I've talked about it - I've been through depression, but not extreme shyness.) He lives in an apartment by himself, and describes himself as "content" and "used to" being alone. I don't think he's unhappy.
He never takes the initiative in contact. He also is hard to get in touch with, especially if it hasn't been awhile since the previous attempt. By "hard to get in touch with," I mean unresponsive to phone, e-mail, AIM, or physically going to his apartment and knocking on his door. I used to think it might just be me, especially since I'm of the opposite gender - although he's shown very little interest in non-platonic relationships of any sort, so for all we know, he's asexual. In any case, all of our mutual friends have felt shunned by him at one point or another. It's fairly typical to only see him every couple of months, even though he lives just a couple miles away.
He does get some social interaction through Everquest. A lot of our friends blame EQ for his reclusiveness, but that's always seemed much too simple an answer for me, particularly since I also play EQ. I have a handful of other friends who play EQ extensively, and they're all a lot more responsive to contact than he is. Plus, they aren't perpetually uncomfortable around people they've known for a long time. He's a lot less responsive to ingame messages than most people.
Some people in our fraternity have said he used to be more social. I asked him about when he joined. He said he's always been shy, but when he got to college he wanted to try going out more. In the end though, he said, "it didn't feel right." He couldn't describe it in any other way. He says he does enjoy hanging out, but always feels awkward. This is evident in his body language.
He's quiet. Never swears. Is embarrassed about how his apartment looks (even though it's always seemed clean when I've seen it.). Is pretty much the most introverted person I've ever met. I used to worry about his health and safety. For a year or so after graduation he lived alone in his apartment, and rarely left. But at some point he was feeling desperate about getting a job, and actually e-mailed me and another of our friends. The other one was able to really help get him a job. Now I'm not as concerned.
In the past I've felt quite hurt by his discomfort and reclusiveness, and he knows this. I used to interpret it as a sign that he didn't care, and found it hard to believe him when he said it isn't intentional, that he does consider me a friend, etc. But I do know he cares now, so I feel a lot better around him these days. Still, I find myself trying to make sense of things. I want to understand. Will there ever be a time when he does finally relax? Is he just a really, really shy person, or is there something more to it? Thoughts of any sort?
-Jen
He's a really intelligent guy. I've known him for about 3 years. We both belong to the same co-ed social fraternity, and have a lot of mutual friends, most of whom have known him for 5-6 years. He and I were Class '02, so we're graduated now but still live in the area.
I've interacted with and befriended a lot of introverts before (I'm somewhat introverted myself), but he's different. I've *never* seen him fully relax. As far as I've seen, his "relaxed" state is a low level of tension and discomfort. I've never seen him get very stressed out, either. He doesn't strike me as anxious or depressed. (Obviously, it's hard to tell, but he doesn't seem to relate to depression at all when I've talked about it - I've been through depression, but not extreme shyness.) He lives in an apartment by himself, and describes himself as "content" and "used to" being alone. I don't think he's unhappy.
He never takes the initiative in contact. He also is hard to get in touch with, especially if it hasn't been awhile since the previous attempt. By "hard to get in touch with," I mean unresponsive to phone, e-mail, AIM, or physically going to his apartment and knocking on his door. I used to think it might just be me, especially since I'm of the opposite gender - although he's shown very little interest in non-platonic relationships of any sort, so for all we know, he's asexual. In any case, all of our mutual friends have felt shunned by him at one point or another. It's fairly typical to only see him every couple of months, even though he lives just a couple miles away.
He does get some social interaction through Everquest. A lot of our friends blame EQ for his reclusiveness, but that's always seemed much too simple an answer for me, particularly since I also play EQ. I have a handful of other friends who play EQ extensively, and they're all a lot more responsive to contact than he is. Plus, they aren't perpetually uncomfortable around people they've known for a long time. He's a lot less responsive to ingame messages than most people.
Some people in our fraternity have said he used to be more social. I asked him about when he joined. He said he's always been shy, but when he got to college he wanted to try going out more. In the end though, he said, "it didn't feel right." He couldn't describe it in any other way. He says he does enjoy hanging out, but always feels awkward. This is evident in his body language.
He's quiet. Never swears. Is embarrassed about how his apartment looks (even though it's always seemed clean when I've seen it.). Is pretty much the most introverted person I've ever met. I used to worry about his health and safety. For a year or so after graduation he lived alone in his apartment, and rarely left. But at some point he was feeling desperate about getting a job, and actually e-mailed me and another of our friends. The other one was able to really help get him a job. Now I'm not as concerned.
In the past I've felt quite hurt by his discomfort and reclusiveness, and he knows this. I used to interpret it as a sign that he didn't care, and found it hard to believe him when he said it isn't intentional, that he does consider me a friend, etc. But I do know he cares now, so I feel a lot better around him these days. Still, I find myself trying to make sense of things. I want to understand. Will there ever be a time when he does finally relax? Is he just a really, really shy person, or is there something more to it? Thoughts of any sort?
-Jen
