Api
Active member
I tried to figure out how to explain this in detail, but it ended up being just too ridiculously long. Let's see if I can make it a little less detailed without missing too much...
I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember, so during my early years I talked exclusively to people online. It didn't bother me as long as no one could see me. I met my best friend, T, like this when I was 12 and he was 14. At that time, he only liked boys, but eventually we both kind of realized we liked each other as more than friends.
Every time I tried to date anyone online, they would eventually stop talking to me. So...I got a major fear of abandonment to go with my other issues. In the end, I flat out refused to date T because I was absolutely terrified he'd leave me after a while too. He pretty much said he'd wait however long, and I pretty much told him I wasn't worth the effort.
A few years later, I ran away from home (another story) with a boyfriend who was willing to let me stay with him. T and I lost touch within a year for reasons beyond our control, and I ended up regretting never giving him the chance. We couldn't talk again for about five years after due to an abusive relationship I had gotten myself into. By now he had, reasonably, believed I wasn't ever coming back.
So... At that point, he was married to another girl, M. I was a little upset, but I tried to bury it since I had no real right to be. I figured he had lost his feelings for me years ago so I just talked to him as a friend for a while. Old stuff came up, and it ended up with us both admitting we were still in love. Obviously, he's not going to leave M over it (I knew without asking, it's just the way he is), so I just kind of dropped it again. M knew and came to the same conclusion I did, so wasn't worried about our continued friendship.
I talked to them both pretty actively for the next few months. They shared a computer, plus M knew a lot about me anyway because she lived at Ts house even before I ran away. (They didn't start dating til a few years after I disappeared) I ended up getting a bit of a crush on her but not mentioning it because I thought it was really weird. Plus I still resented her a little bit since she had gotten him while I was gone, and I think she kind of knew... Which, of course, made it more interesting when she told me she had kind of fallen for me too.
This resulted in them offering me a polygamous relationship. I thought about it for a while but turned them down. My fear of abandoned had turned into possessiveness, I was afraid to share a partner with anyone else like that. Added onto the fact I didn't want to hurt M which I worried I would with the resentment still there. I did keep talking to them both as friends though.
And skip forward almost a year, I had a lot of issues finding a place to live and eventually got myself knocked up by someone who was letting me stay with them rent-free. After I moved away from there, I briefly dated another boy (online), who I'd had a crush on for about a year, but he lost interest very quickly when he learned I was keeping my child. (Primarily relevant due to it giving me the fear of never being able to find a permanent partner)
When I told T that we had broken up, he offered the same relationship again, despite the fact he had just had his first biological child with M and my own pregnancy, and he knows why I'm afraid of the relationship.
I didn't really give an answer this time, but overall I feel very... jumbled up. I kind of just want input from someone who's not involved.
I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember, so during my early years I talked exclusively to people online. It didn't bother me as long as no one could see me. I met my best friend, T, like this when I was 12 and he was 14. At that time, he only liked boys, but eventually we both kind of realized we liked each other as more than friends.
Every time I tried to date anyone online, they would eventually stop talking to me. So...I got a major fear of abandonment to go with my other issues. In the end, I flat out refused to date T because I was absolutely terrified he'd leave me after a while too. He pretty much said he'd wait however long, and I pretty much told him I wasn't worth the effort.
A few years later, I ran away from home (another story) with a boyfriend who was willing to let me stay with him. T and I lost touch within a year for reasons beyond our control, and I ended up regretting never giving him the chance. We couldn't talk again for about five years after due to an abusive relationship I had gotten myself into. By now he had, reasonably, believed I wasn't ever coming back.
So... At that point, he was married to another girl, M. I was a little upset, but I tried to bury it since I had no real right to be. I figured he had lost his feelings for me years ago so I just talked to him as a friend for a while. Old stuff came up, and it ended up with us both admitting we were still in love. Obviously, he's not going to leave M over it (I knew without asking, it's just the way he is), so I just kind of dropped it again. M knew and came to the same conclusion I did, so wasn't worried about our continued friendship.
I talked to them both pretty actively for the next few months. They shared a computer, plus M knew a lot about me anyway because she lived at Ts house even before I ran away. (They didn't start dating til a few years after I disappeared) I ended up getting a bit of a crush on her but not mentioning it because I thought it was really weird. Plus I still resented her a little bit since she had gotten him while I was gone, and I think she kind of knew... Which, of course, made it more interesting when she told me she had kind of fallen for me too.
This resulted in them offering me a polygamous relationship. I thought about it for a while but turned them down. My fear of abandoned had turned into possessiveness, I was afraid to share a partner with anyone else like that. Added onto the fact I didn't want to hurt M which I worried I would with the resentment still there. I did keep talking to them both as friends though.
And skip forward almost a year, I had a lot of issues finding a place to live and eventually got myself knocked up by someone who was letting me stay with them rent-free. After I moved away from there, I briefly dated another boy (online), who I'd had a crush on for about a year, but he lost interest very quickly when he learned I was keeping my child. (Primarily relevant due to it giving me the fear of never being able to find a permanent partner)
When I told T that we had broken up, he offered the same relationship again, despite the fact he had just had his first biological child with M and my own pregnancy, and he knows why I'm afraid of the relationship.
I didn't really give an answer this time, but overall I feel very... jumbled up. I kind of just want input from someone who's not involved.
