RansomedRogue
Member
Is anyone else terrified of getting better? Its so hard for me to seek therapy because the thought of living, of BEING different then I am is so scary. I may be terribly messed up, but at least I know this messed up person. I am familiar with this tragedy. What would be left if I was okay? I honestly can't even imagine.
I can see all the potential in my life and I long for the fulfillment of my dreams but the thought of the in-between, that big long period before success, its terrifying. Even when I think of success there's always the same me, just hiding behind it.
I feel guilty about not trying harder to get better, but I can't help it. And I do make myself do little things occasionally. The other day I took the mail to the post box by myself. I really don't know what to do. Whenever I see a therapist they want to put me on medication and I hate meds, they just make things worse. Or even worse, I had one that worked great for a week....that was awful.
Though to be perfectly honest its the side effects that scare me. Mostly the possibility of weight gain and acne. I often think that God cursed me with the way I look, its caused me nothing but trouble and pain, but I protect it because I often feel its the only thing I have. That self esteem test that's on this forum, I got a 17. Logically I know I tend to be thought of as attractive but I feel ugly. I see behind the curtains. Its horrible but I often think that if I were this messed up and ugly my husband wouldn't stick around.
I didn't mean for this to be a whole, big rant or anything. But its not like I have anyone else to talk to. The man doesn't understand, though he's doing better then last time I completely lost it. Anyway, that's all from me for now, if I can even actually post this...
I can see all the potential in my life and I long for the fulfillment of my dreams but the thought of the in-between, that big long period before success, its terrifying. Even when I think of success there's always the same me, just hiding behind it.
I feel guilty about not trying harder to get better, but I can't help it. And I do make myself do little things occasionally. The other day I took the mail to the post box by myself. I really don't know what to do. Whenever I see a therapist they want to put me on medication and I hate meds, they just make things worse. Or even worse, I had one that worked great for a week....that was awful.
Though to be perfectly honest its the side effects that scare me. Mostly the possibility of weight gain and acne. I often think that God cursed me with the way I look, its caused me nothing but trouble and pain, but I protect it because I often feel its the only thing I have. That self esteem test that's on this forum, I got a 17. Logically I know I tend to be thought of as attractive but I feel ugly. I see behind the curtains. Its horrible but I often think that if I were this messed up and ugly my husband wouldn't stick around.
I didn't mean for this to be a whole, big rant or anything. But its not like I have anyone else to talk to. The man doesn't understand, though he's doing better then last time I completely lost it. Anyway, that's all from me for now, if I can even actually post this...
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