Please Help Me

Ok, First of I have always had sometype of OCD when I was a kid. It would usually just be minor and go along the lines of me doing something repeatedly. But as of recent I have been having these Intrusive thoughts. It first began when I started to have intrusive thoughts towards younger females which I found extremely disturbing because I wasn't ever attracted to them and would get to the point that just being around them would drive me insane because the thoughts would not quit killing me. I was still attracted to women and I could still get an erection but it wasn't the type of erection I was used to having before that even happened. Then that subsided for a bit.. Until I saw full metal alchemist and I started having thoughts about harming my mother which I very much love. That I would avoid her and avoid being next to harmful things but that just brought me back to the POCD. But one day I smoked some marijuana that I got from a friend mostly because I wanted to impress a girl I wanted to be with (I was dumb). But as soon as I smoked the first puff my mind began to tell me I was a homosexual. Everyday my mind would constantly tell me I was a homosexual even though I knew I was not. I have never been attracted to men nor have I ever want to have sex with them ever in my life. I always just wanted to be with women different types of women. As I kid I was so infatuated with them that I would at least masturbate 5 to 10 times a day eve just by looking at the ad for the genie bra. But it been almost a year since I had these homosexual thoughts But I was still very able to have an attraction to women. But Through out this past week. My mind has been telling I have always been a homo which I have not ever and now My penis does get semi aroused I say semi because I stop myself and I am constantly thinking about homo **** and my mind keeps saying accept it. I have never masturbated to gay porn or even want to watch it in my life. I also have never been with men. I have always loved being with women. My first sexual encounter with a women was amazing. I got to eat her out she sucked me off. I love eating a female out it just feels right. But as of the past year or almost a year my mind has not let me live I was able to cope with this because I knew deep down that I was going to get over this. The last couple of months I have been catching myself checking out dudes not because I like them but because I want to test myself but as of now every time I am with a dude hanging out I can't stop getting some what wood. (my **** doesn't get hard it just has some sort of tingling homo sensation) and I immediately start thinking gay ****. I was fine up until a few days ago when my mind pretty much said **** you your gay now. I haven't been able to get aroused when I see a female I even try to avoid them for some god damn reason and I catch myself checking out dudes to prove myself that I am not gay but as I do I realize that I get semi wood and my mind thinks they are attractive. When I have never in my life been attracted to another mail. This week has been so hard on me that I have lost ten pounds haven't been able to eat or get these thoughts out of my head. I have never been attracted to another male until now or at least I think I am since I have never jacked it to a male or tried to watch homo porn but my mind now is telling me to do it and its trying to convince me that I have always been like this which I haven't. Its even harder for me to fully accept this because I have not been able to get a full erection towards women since my first set of intrusive thoughts came in.

Side note every once In a while during this week I was able to forget about it like yesterday when I went to the gym the site of a man was not arousing me at all and I was getting my confidence up again towards women. But I went home and my mother and sister found some writing that I wrote in my journal about how these thoughts have been consuming me and they immediately thought I was a homo. Now mind is telling me to accept it which I can't.
And also today for a quick minute the site of a penis was not giving me any thought when I was watching regular porn but out of nowhere mind tells me that no you are gay and I lose all train of thought and focus on that.

I just want to know what the hell is going on with me and why me ? I never wanted to be a homo nor have I ever masturbated to gay porn or been aroused to a men in my 19 years of life. Now every time I see a show on tv with a male I have to avoid it because I get that penis tingle and my mind starts thinking I'm attracted to them which I have never been. I just want to be the normal confident me.


Side note, I wasn't able to get it up to a woman in the past year and a half I thought I had a limp **** but My **** would easily get up to the sight of a younger female. But now, I can't get it up towards anything even if I try my hardest I feel as if I want to by something in my mind does not want me to. I have gotten have chubs towards males only in the past week but I never want to have sex with them Its just mind that forces me to look at them at find something remotely arousing to get a chub from. When I mean half chub I mean that my penis isn't erect or fully erect its just feels like it is going to get erect.

Am I a homo now? I can not deal with life any longer. I have not been able to go to school because every sight of a male my mind forces me to look at them get a penis tingle from them.

I just don't want live like this.

Please if anyone could kindly help me I know this is a bit long but typing this has let my thoughts subside a bit.

I'm 19 and in my third and final year of community college and I just want to be able to get on with my life without being sexually attracted to men...Since I never was to begin with.
 
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I'm terribly sorry about that. But I am extremely distraught and have been for the past week or so I did not mean to offend any one but I just do not know what happened in my head that caused this. I am just a broken man now a shell of what I used to be.
And No, I am not promoting Homophobic ideals I am just looking for some help.
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
I think it would be best if you found a licensed professional to talk to about these things. You might find some real help, really fast that way. Is that possible for you to do?
 
Yes, I already made an appointment with a professional this week but his only available time was for next month. I was virtually somewhat ok with these thoughts up until last week were they just out of nowhere started to attack me seriously. To the point that now I am just questioning why god did this to me. When I first got my first set of intrusive thoughts I was able to block them very well in fact I blocked them so well thqat my confidence was up and I was able to get with chicks well not just chicks Really Hot chicks. My life was great but I still had those debilitating thoughts going through my mind. I thought I was just going to have to live all my life with those thoughts. But out of nowhere my mind began to bombard me with homosexual thought every time I tried to masturbate to a female my mind would block it and picture a male instead. To this day it is still doing it every time I do get my interest in women back my mind starts messing with me and I am back to square one.

I am not trying to say I do not want to be gay because I hate them. That is not it at al.
I do not want to have these thoughts because I feel my OCD tricked me into this state.
 
I also spoke to the suicide prevention hotline and a mental health counselor in my area. But I don't think they understand what is going on in my head. They just pretty much asked me if I was suicidal or not and If I thought about harming others. Which I responded no to and they just let me go. I do not know if I should just lie and tell them yes to get help but as they put it "Your problem is not that important to us if you are not in the verge of suicide."
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
I also spoke to the suicide prevention hotline and a mental health counselor in my area. But I don't think they understand what is going on in my head. They just pretty much asked me if I was suicidal or not and If I thought about harming others. Which I responded no to and they just let me go. I do not know if I should just lie and tell them yes to get help but as they put it "Your problem is not that important to us if you are not in the verge of suicide."

Yeah isn't that great you have to have a gun to your head or no one give a crap. Same thing with domestic violence help lines. There isn't a lot of help when you need it.

For me oCD intrusive thoughts go hand in hand with stress. I have to be really careful and not put myself under too much stress or I get them too.
 
I really just want to be me again. I have been battling with tears these past couple of days. Up until recently I was able to masturbate to women I would not get aroused instantly like I used to but I would work my way there. But it has been a couple of weeks that ever time I try to masturbate I just get this homosexual sensation.
I have always hated my mind since it always seems to hate me viciously but now my mind has taken it too far.
 

PhillipJFry

Well-known member
Why is it so important whether or not you're gay? Many fantastic people are, such as Harvey Milk, Pyotr Tchaikovsky, Michael Angelo (ostensibly, although no absolute evidence exists), George Takei, Ian Mckellen, Tennessee Williams, Violette Leduc (lesbian), This guy that gave me a $15 tip for delivering his Chinese food last night, Oscar Wilde, Albus Dumbledore (fictionally), Elton John, and those are just people I can name off the top of my head.

I’m sure that when you become older you’ll understand that it is not sexual orientation which defines a person, but what they accomplish with their lives.
 
I have but it just seems to make it worse. Know I can't even sleep because I am afraid of having a gay dream.
Its been a week were I think I am having gay dreams. I wake up in a cold sweat and anxious. I really do believe this is just a extremely severe case of HOCD. Because before I ever had hocd I had POCD and those thoughts would also debilitate me. To the point that I kept asking my self " Am I going to have to get it up to my Girlfriend by thinking about this disturbing shit?"
I just want to know if there is a technique to get rid of these agonizing thoughts ???
 

emptybench

Well-known member
Since you've never had these thoughts before, I think you aren't gay, but see a professional as soon as you can. My layperson advice: if you try to push the thoughts away they probably get worse. Recognize what thoughts you are having and remember they don't define who you are. They are not there because you want and you are not acting upon them, so don't feel guilty about it. Do you remember any villain that feeds on fear? That's how I think intrusive thoughts work. When you assume an 'I don't care' posture they go away.
 
I've just been thinking about suicide alot lately. Well, in the past week.
I think I've turned myself into a homosexual somehow. I never in my life had a sexual thought about another man in my life nor have I ever masturbated or watched gay porn. But these thoughts have consumed me to the point that my checking is actually bringing real arousal which is scaring me too death.

I do not know what is going on with me but my mind has convinced me that I am gay and I don't like it this past week every time I don't get aroused by a man my mind fights it and every time I get aroused by a woman my mind fights it. I never thought this would happen to me. No, I'm not sad over the fact of the stigma that brings about homosexuality at all. I am afraid of what has happened in my head.I went from completely Hetero to POCD to Harm OCD to HOCD too actually believing this is me. Every time I try to masturbate to a women my mind gets blocked by homo thoughts.
 

Supernova

Well-known member
Its just OCD, don't worry about it. You seem to be thinking like sexuality is black and white, either you are or you aren't, but really it is fluid (no pun intended!). People sleep with their own sex sometimes just to experiment but don't think of themselves as gay. Why even worry if you are gay or not? Its not like its a crime (well maybe some parts of the world). You are over analysing, if you get a semi thinking about a man so what it doesn't matter to anyone else. There are some books you can read on this subject and you can get therapy if you think you need it.
 
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I really just want to be the old me. These past couple of days I have come to hate life. I cannot sleep eat drink or even poop. I've been nowhere near my usual self.
 

RegalSin

Well-known member
It is okay to admire men and just be straight...

OP I think I know what you mean. Whatca going to do? I am not going to join them but I WILL JUST HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THEM. I do not want to see any mass production of "them" and would rather have "it" stick to the clubs ( where it belongs ) but guess what? The internet is the "clubs" now and because parents are just too lazy to moderate their children and keeping the internet to the living room. People pretty much live in the internet. The reality is that kids will go against their parents; and when they become young adults with enough enforcement just carry out that nature because of the surrounding people who help advance that as well. We all these looney ideas all over the place and their are many roots to this "problem"

I will admit, I had to overcome adversary. Whatever it is called. I do not care I have found peace with my whatever. I am telling you right now. You do not like them then stop supporting them. It is like radiation from r-tard phones. It is like when you purchase goods and services; their is an variety of people to get these things from. Sometimes you just have to deal with it. Take the internet service. For me I am disdained towards my providers because of the kind of people I see working behind the counter. Somewhere down the grape vine my ( that word ) is sucking of my hard earn cash.

Their is only one thing to do? Find people who shares your ideas, make as many children as possible. That is it. Their is more I could say but you could guess. I mean a peaceful resolution to an problem that is pure human weather.

To make things worst is the pyramid scheme of life. You eat from the same pile as the people who are against you. However they actually make income from that pile. I am not saying to join them but to understand their nature.

Instead of hating try to promote youth to being heterosexual. The worst thing a person can do is use a term. See how I am avoiding using certain words.

About that feeling in your pants. That is the idea of that itself. For me I prefer an certain kind of woman. In WW2 the Germans used "mannish looking women", as their "sex dolls" because they did not want to promote the motherly image as being "hoar-like" ( keep in mind the original term of hoar is an women/person who takes money for sex, and was looked down because of the obvious unfair work ethics. The slang term for hoar is an "dirty midget who doesnt' bathe or something along those lines". ) You should research about that WW2 doll stuff ). Chance is your going through a phase like me.

Nowadays I starting missing the extra round breasts. You know the ones that look unatural but can be natural. Then again I have an obsession with over-sized breasted women. I could careless about the world throws at me if I was lost in those waves.

For me I just do not care about body shape anymore. Ideas in my mind I have locked out and become immune to all discomforts of the flesh.

have you seen an girl with breasts bigger then her head. I mean it just blows away almost anything else in my mind-set. That would keep me occupied for an long long time. ( among other joys ) Then again the list of my fancies go on? Does it not with you my brother??? I don't know your religion but again a saying of avoid the fetish. Meaning sex associated with non-sexual items. I am not going too far as I am talking about body shapes and sizes but again that feeling ( which one it might be, physical, spiritual, philosophical, Biblical, etc ) is something that crossed your mind from time to time.

Here is something to make you smile ( in the heterosexual way ).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcHrUBisFJw
That is our competition? Imagine if one of your ten heterosexual ( straight ) kids could grow up to get paid flopping around like fools??? Imagine that indeed....

What about the lawyers, judges, and people taking space within the confines of our lawful institutions. Life is just like that god forsaken maze..

Find your peace
Just keep moving forward
 
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Earthcircle

Well-known member
Perhaps I sound like a broken record, since I've made the same point in other threads, but have you looked at Edna Foa's book Stop Obsessing? If not, I recommend that you do so.

All the talk about homosexuality is really beside the point. A person with OCD can obsess about *anything*.
 
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