Perfectionism and OCD

[lunarla]

Is currently ruining my life right now. Sounds dramatic, but it's really not an over exaggeration. At least, not to me. Everything that has ever really been important to me is just falling through.

My perfection causes me to underachieve. My view on things is very "all or nothing." If it can't be perfect, exactly how I want it, why do it at all. Just last year I graduated, and what was once my best subject turned into my worst because I wouldn't hand in essays. I just wouldn't write them because I knew they wouldn't be good, I felt. And even though I would consciously choose not to write them, not doing so caused me a lot of stress, anxiety and depression.

What I wouldn't give now to be just going through that though. My perfectionism and "all or nothing" attitude has now attacked something that is really, really important to me. A little over a month ago, I started seeing someone who I've known for about 3 years and was very close to at a point. That relationship didn't work out at the time, but I immensely want it to now. Basically, for the first week or so I was very excited about it and him and being together. I then had the worst panic attack I'd ever experienced which led me to going to the hospital. After that, nothing has been the same. The onset of the panic attack was caused by me thinking in my mind that "it wasn't going to work out." All or nothing says - well, if it isn't going to work out how you want it to, why try at all? With that, all my excitement and hope was gone. I didn't even give it permission to, it just left.

I can make a parallel from that situation to my underachieving in the previous school year. Early on when I get an assignment, I'm somewhat excited about it, thinking of all it can be and what I might be able to achieve. Then, the huge expectations I put out for myself cause me great anxiety and procrastination. I lose hope and excitement and believe that it's not going to be good so I just don't turn in anything at all. I don't even try and I let myself be okay with not trying.

Right now, I am not okay with that. I won't let myself be, but I don't know how to change my beliefs and perceptions of this not working out. It doesn't seem to be as easy as someone telling you "well, nothing's ever perfect." My perfectionism is deeply engraved in me. But I need it to stop.

After the panic attack, right after, all I did was obsess. I was in a near constant state of anxiety for another week. I acquired what I've come to know now as "relationship OCD." My mind, obsessing about any way to run away from the relationship, really. But I can't. With anyone else I would, but I care about him far too much to do that. But my feelings have been greatly dulled, and I know it's extremely hard on him and on myself. I had a period of numbness, but the obsessing still carries on. Just jumping from one thing to another. I've been pretty good at just turning off my brain and sleeping sometimes until last night. I'm sure I slept some, but it felt like I was always still conscious about all the buzzing in my mind all the way through the night.

I am depressed and anxious and very self sabotaging. I can now see that perfectionism has caused this. I just want to be able to fix it. I so badly want to salvage this relationship.

Has anyone overcome it? How did you go about doing this? What are the treatments, etc. Any help is appreciated.

 

[lunarla]

I know it's a long post, but really input would be wonderrrrrrrful

 

[vj288]

I read through it, and can relate with the perfectionism and having an "all-or-nothing" attitude, not sure how much I can help though.

One thing I guess that has helped me though is to try to make myself adaptable to situations. When something goes wrong, rather than dwelling on that imperfection and how it messes everything up, I try to adapt and change my original plan to make a new "perfect" to strive for. A lot of times this easier said then done, but it does help me when I can execute it.

That can help with the loss of interest too, but definitely not always. I know what you mean so much when you say you lose excitement and hope. At the onset of things everything is new and exciting, and the potential is at it's highest. In school I had a teacher who would say that when a semester started everyone would have a 100%, and would try to hold on to it as long as they could. That's what it's like, and when you let go that feeling of perfection is gone. This could have been great, but now it's blah.

I haven't really found anything to help with this, trying to be less excited at the beginning or taking it part by part instead of as a whole thing do help a little but not as much as I'd like. Thing about taking things in parts is it's easier to come close to meeting you expectations. Try not to focus on that one thing that ruins everything, look at each part individually. It'll help "keep the dream alive" hopefully.