Section_31
Well-known member
So, I thought id start a thread for this.
This has to be, by far, the most annoying, frustrating, and at times emotionally upsetting, crappy stupid thing ive ever dealt with. And its such a basic thing you don't think twice about. I never used to until it got really bad the last year and a half.
whats stupid is I don't even have any anxiety when im trying to go. It just doesn't happen. I can be relaxed as ever, not even thinking about anything, and be really full and have to go, and still nothing.
Whenever my father is home, its impossible pretty much. I deliberately drink as little as possible to avoid having to. Ill set my alarm for 1:30 am, then 4 am, and if I can tiptoe into the bathroom and know for sure hes not awake, then I can reluctantly go after a few minutes with no problem. I do this so I wont have to go first thing in the morning when hes awake, because I wont be able to.
At work its not so much a problem. My bathroom right now is very far away from anyone else. But that's soon to change. There have been times where ive had to go so so bad at home but physically could not. So id drive to work at any hour of the day or night to have a "safe" bathroom with no one around to go in -.-.
I didn't used to be this way.
I always have hated public bathrooms. Always. And usually I couldn't go in them. But at home even if someone else were around, I could no problem. But then starting in the last two years, as I progressively spent more and more time alone, I was gradually having further and further difficulty in being able to, until finally I cant anymore.
This isn't a long term acceptable situation.
Ive tried everything, and I mean everything, on my own to try to overcome this Ive tried gradual exposure by myself, drinking as much as I possibly freaking can until im in physical pain from having to go and STILL couldn't, running the faucet, trying to trick myself into thinking im alone, relaxation breathing, the pelvic floor drop technique induced by breathing, and unfortunately it just isn't happening. There have been times where ive been reduced to tears out of sheer frustration and self anger, you feel like a freak because you cant go like a normal person. You feel isolated because you feel you cant talk to anyone about this. And I mean really who wants to discuss bathroom functions?. You feel anger at yourself for something so simple that you used to be able to do without even a thought. And now, suddenly, you cant.
MikeyC has been my constant sounding board (thanks mate!). He knows about all this. Not really on the advice side, which I cant fault him for because unless you deal with it you really don't know what its like. But as a constant bff online and the only one id trust with this, im glad hes been there as an ear.
With my new job coming up, I don't know what im going to do or how im going to cope. You cant think about that what ifs though. You'll drive yourself crazy. And hype up your anxiety over something that hasn't even happened yet and over which you have no control. I don't know what the building layout is like or where the bathrooms are there. Maybe they'll have soundproof doors and it wont be a problem. Who knows.
All I do know though, is im tired of living this way. Of the self loathing. of WANTING to and not being able to. Its NOT a simple matter of "when you have go bad enough, you will!". Believe me, an 18 hour road trip holding it in all the way while desperately having the urge and not being able to is so embarrassing.
Once my benefits kick in, im going to actively seek therapy help for this. This is a little bit difficult, as its not a very well known condition in Canada. In fact not even in the US as my research says, but t he UK. I actually DID get in touch with a therapist here from the UK who's had experience dealing with this and thought he could for sure help me, but then I found out my job was ending and I had to postpone that.
But I wont give up. And im going to try again.
I don't know if anyone else struggles with paruresis, but I thought I would create a thread for it here.
This has to be, by far, the most annoying, frustrating, and at times emotionally upsetting, crappy stupid thing ive ever dealt with. And its such a basic thing you don't think twice about. I never used to until it got really bad the last year and a half.
whats stupid is I don't even have any anxiety when im trying to go. It just doesn't happen. I can be relaxed as ever, not even thinking about anything, and be really full and have to go, and still nothing.
Whenever my father is home, its impossible pretty much. I deliberately drink as little as possible to avoid having to. Ill set my alarm for 1:30 am, then 4 am, and if I can tiptoe into the bathroom and know for sure hes not awake, then I can reluctantly go after a few minutes with no problem. I do this so I wont have to go first thing in the morning when hes awake, because I wont be able to.
At work its not so much a problem. My bathroom right now is very far away from anyone else. But that's soon to change. There have been times where ive had to go so so bad at home but physically could not. So id drive to work at any hour of the day or night to have a "safe" bathroom with no one around to go in -.-.
I didn't used to be this way.
I always have hated public bathrooms. Always. And usually I couldn't go in them. But at home even if someone else were around, I could no problem. But then starting in the last two years, as I progressively spent more and more time alone, I was gradually having further and further difficulty in being able to, until finally I cant anymore.
This isn't a long term acceptable situation.
Ive tried everything, and I mean everything, on my own to try to overcome this Ive tried gradual exposure by myself, drinking as much as I possibly freaking can until im in physical pain from having to go and STILL couldn't, running the faucet, trying to trick myself into thinking im alone, relaxation breathing, the pelvic floor drop technique induced by breathing, and unfortunately it just isn't happening. There have been times where ive been reduced to tears out of sheer frustration and self anger, you feel like a freak because you cant go like a normal person. You feel isolated because you feel you cant talk to anyone about this. And I mean really who wants to discuss bathroom functions?. You feel anger at yourself for something so simple that you used to be able to do without even a thought. And now, suddenly, you cant.
MikeyC has been my constant sounding board (thanks mate!). He knows about all this. Not really on the advice side, which I cant fault him for because unless you deal with it you really don't know what its like. But as a constant bff online and the only one id trust with this, im glad hes been there as an ear.
With my new job coming up, I don't know what im going to do or how im going to cope. You cant think about that what ifs though. You'll drive yourself crazy. And hype up your anxiety over something that hasn't even happened yet and over which you have no control. I don't know what the building layout is like or where the bathrooms are there. Maybe they'll have soundproof doors and it wont be a problem. Who knows.
All I do know though, is im tired of living this way. Of the self loathing. of WANTING to and not being able to. Its NOT a simple matter of "when you have go bad enough, you will!". Believe me, an 18 hour road trip holding it in all the way while desperately having the urge and not being able to is so embarrassing.
Once my benefits kick in, im going to actively seek therapy help for this. This is a little bit difficult, as its not a very well known condition in Canada. In fact not even in the US as my research says, but t he UK. I actually DID get in touch with a therapist here from the UK who's had experience dealing with this and thought he could for sure help me, but then I found out my job was ending and I had to postpone that.
But I wont give up. And im going to try again.
I don't know if anyone else struggles with paruresis, but I thought I would create a thread for it here.
