J
Jessica-
Guest
I am 27 years old and a young gay female. I live in Oregon , I moved out here when I was 19 from NH.
I grew up in a mentally and physically abusive household. My father, who is in law enforcement and a huge guy with red hair and a very intense personality, beat me up sometimes and generally said things to me that would make me feel bad about myself.
He made fun of me and escalated simple child mistakes like throwing a box of q-tips away that had spilled onto the floor into these catastrophic events (i figured they were dirty and threw them away). He stood with me over the trash can for like an hour and said things in this dramatic and sarcastic voice like "Jesus Christ Jess, why the hell did you do this!? Jess THINK about things before you do it. You're not stupid!? So why in the hell did you do this?" And I would stand there speachless and petrified with my knees weak fearing that a slap might come to the back of my head and I would say in a really low scared voice "I don't know". And he said "Well, get this, we're gonna sit here until you know why, so you better start comin up with somethin fast." And at 7 years old, I was confused and could only say "I don't know". He may have slapped me I don't remember. This type of situation happened a lot over different things, sometimes violent and sometimes just mental torture.
My mother never did anything, even with the beatings because she didn't know how to stand up for herself let alone me or my sister. One time when my father punched me she stood up and said "Michael stop!" but he told her to sit down and shut up...and she did. She was raised in an environment where love was ABSENT no hugs no kisses, just constant berating from my Japanese grandmother. At least she hugged and tried to love me the best way she could. I only see her about once every year and 1/2. We talk on Sundays but the conversation is pretty dry, and mirror the type of conversation you have with a stranger or neighbor. After my stepfather died last year of cancer my mother wrote me a letter introducing a new boyfriend. And along with the introduction was that she was going to commit suicide, but decided not to because the spirit of her dead husband (my stepfather) came to her and told her not to.
I don't speak to my father these days because he is ridden with guilt and hates himself and sabotages every relationship he has. I just don't owe him anything. I have heard from people "Well he's your father and you only have one of those" and that has urged me to try and have some sort of relationship, but just because of one sexual moment with my mother 27 years ago doesn't mean that I owe him any kind of relationship. He cheated on my mother, left us with nothing, didn't pay child support, beat his kids, has killed animals (cats), beats animals, he's a sad piece of shit in my eyes.
I used to laugh at his burps and farts and rude behavior, but it's not funny, it's sad. I mean, if he was good to me, I wouldn't care about the crass behavior, but paired with everything else, it repulses me. I see other peoples' dad's and they're normal and calm and it just doesn't seem real. Now not ALL dads are nice. I'm well aware of that. But some are. Some smile and kiss their kids if they find that they threw the q-tips away and teach the child a gentle lesson or say that they would have thrown them away too! Who knows!? Maybe they would say to the child, "Well hon, I see your logic, but honey we need to be conservative and the floor isn't that dirty anyway so we can just put these back, how's that? Here, help mom (or dad) put these back in here".
I tried to reconnect with him a few months ago but it ended with me crying on the phone when my father said that he was so used to not seeing me (i haven't seen him in 8 years) that he is getting used to not having daughters. He got scared and I cried and hung up and haven't talked to him since. He called me like a week after, well actually his fourth wife called my cell and they were both drunk and left a message and I could hear my father swearing in the backround and ordering his wife around. That call nausiated me and made me feel ashamed of him.
All growing up, I was a shy extrovert. I had this wild and energetic spirit, but shy on the outside. Scared. I didn't have faith in myself. I felt different. My parents were both in the military and we moved around everywhere and i was the new-girl so many times. I always lost the friends that I made. I was always nervous. I had to stand in front of the class and be introduced by the teacher so many times and hear "HIIII JEEEESSSIIICAAA" from the kids who were bored and staring at me. At one point I had been in 7 schools in three years. I smoked my first cigarette when I was 6, lost my virginity at 11 1/2, smoked my first joint when I was 12 with my best friend. I didn't CARE. I WENT MY OWN WAY. I WENT EXTREME. I'VE GONE EXTREME. I have done some crazy things and have scars and tattoos and piercings to remind me and all because I was trying to find SOMETHING. Sanity? Love? Something that matched the love and healthiness I felt inside? But I was angry too, and I related to kids who were angry too, and they liked drugs too, becuase drugs made us happy and forget the REALITY of our pain and sadness. Drugs were our link together. I no longer touch drugs and I've even quit smoking for the most part. I still might smoke one here and there, but not regularly.
I mourn the loss of my childhood from time to time. Now that I know who I am and what I'm capable of I wish I could somehow fly back in time and scoop my little body up in my arms and do what my parents failed to do for one reason or another: Love and nurture myself.
But for the longest time, I have turned my own back to myself. I have cut off the love for myself and left the little girl in me alone and cold. And for one reason or another I have only focused on negative thoughts. I went from the carefree positive thinking when I was a child and became a pessimist. I have focused on what i DON"T have or what I CAN"T DO, not what I DO HAVE and WHAT I CAN DO AND WHAT I CAN WORK WITH. But that's now changing. I'm trying to change, but it's hard work.
I may have had some disturbing things happen in my childhood, I may have barely a relationship with either of my parents, and I really don't have any close relationships with any family members, and I used to cry about it and still do sometimes, but my past has nothing to do with it anymore, no family has nothing to do with it anymore, I CAN"T CHANGE THOSE THINGS. I FINALLY REALIZED THAT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT. And I'm OK with it now. It happened, it makes me who I am today. I can finally say and KNOW what it means to say that I accept my past. It's been a hard journey, I didn't even know what it meant to "accept" your past. It's a mental journey. It takes THINKING ABOUT IT and making good with it in your head and then in your heart. Embrace it, love it, say "it's OK", it happened, what now? What matters now? ME, the PRESENT, and how I think and feel about it. How am I GOING TO CHOOSE TO THINK ABOUT?
I have a couple choices, ONE WAY IS RIGHT AND ONE WAY IS WRONG:
Think negatively? I have PLENTLY OF practice with this. But the difference is one way is RIGHT and one way is wrong and untrue. Here it goes: Ok my life has sucked, my father beat me, I am unlovable, I have done bad things, no one loves me, i'm all alone, i suck, i'm a loser, i'm nervous, I have nothing, I AM A VICTIM.
(ok, this is CHOICE, CHOOSING to be a victim. This is all perspective that you shoot at yourself so sneakily by YOU/your subconcious)
OR choice #2 - think positively and concentrate only on the positives(which this takes practice, I have to literally sit and THINK about this, where I shot things out easily in the paragraph above) : I accept my past, it made me aware of mean people, it taught me lessons on how i DON"T want to be as a parent, I had my saving grace wonderful grandparents who loved and adored me, at least I was kissed and hugged, at least I lived in 1st world country and had a full meal to eat every night, etc..see where I'm going with this?
You see when you CHOOSE to see it this way it becomes so much more positive and happy. yes you realize that there were unforunate things that happened but you can REGAIN control from thinking positively about it and not to mention you feel HAPPY , not sad and regretful.
Now, with telling my story, I'm not looking for a pity party, I only want to share what I've learned. To share my story and tell you the progress that I've made.
Right now I'm in the middle of making some serious progress. But I am still feeling social phobia. But the important thing is this: I have figured out why I get nervous talking to other people and why I get depressed. It's because I haven't quite mastered thinking positively and accepting and loving myself.
They say they don't know what the cause of social phobia is. I DO. It's from LOW SELF-ESTEEM and PESSIMISM. You think you're LOWER than other people. You may even think at your lowest point that YOUR CAT is better than you. You have 0 faith in yourself. You may feel that you can't depend on yourself.
I have learned the "cure" to social phobia and that's from dealing with it for 8 years and not giving up. I will try and overcome this with everything that I've got. But it's important to say that it's taken me this long to figure out what it is. You didn't see these kinds of forums when I was 19. In fact I didn't even have a computer back then. It has taken me time. It's a journey. I had no idea that I didn't love myself or HOW TO LOVE MYSELF. I thought i was an emotionless robot going day to day through life. It's a day to day , moment to moment process. It's an internal journey.
The serious reactions started when I was 19. One of the first times I remeber feeling the fight or flight feeling was when I was 19 and at work working with this high up guy, real nice gentelman, and he was rich and powerful, but laid back and we were all alone working on a saturday in the stock room and he was watching the football game on a mini tv and we were both sitting at a desk chatting a little. And he asked me a question and I answered it and he seemed surprised at my answer and it almost looked as if he didn't believe me or that's how I took it and I my face got so red and then I thought, "oh my god my face is red, he probably thinks i'm lying" and then my face got even redder after that thought and I freaked out inside and then I just dropped the subject and gave off this energy like I DON"T WANT TO TALK ANYMORE, and looked and acted nervous. I could no longer concentrate or have fun. I felt like a loser and a crazy person. Who KNOWS what he thought. He probably wondered why my face got so red and why I just stopped talking. maybe he thought I was lying!?
When I'm thinking negatively and doubting myself that is when I feel social phobia.
The point is social phobia comes from low self-esteem and self-doubt and thinking negatively. You feel it because you feel you are lower than other people. It's plain and simple.
If you are ever in a social situation, which inevitably you will, and you start to feel your SP, STOP and analyze your thoughts at that moment! What are you thinking? What are your thoughts? Write them down. Draw a little stick figure and a thought bubble and put the thoughts that were going threw your head at that moment in the bubble.
You'll probably see thoughts like "They are better than me", "Do I look OK?" "I'm ugly" "They're normal, I'm not" "I have to speak perfectly, or otherwise they'll see what a fool I am" "He sees through my eyes how ugly I am inside" "He sees that I have no self esteem" "He thinks I'm stupid because I have no self-esteem" Things like this. These are all clues that we don't ACCEPT and LOVE ourselves and our lives. Those are thoughts that I have in my head. I obsess about how other people think of me. BUT there's good news. When you start thinking positively and focusing only on the positive and having fun and being happy, all those thoughts DISAPPEAR, i'm not joking. EVEN WITHOUT MEDICATION. BUT IT TAKES BEING CONSISTENT with your thinking and focusing.
This is a journey that you will have make yourself. No psychologist can change you. That joke "how many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the lightbulb has to WANT to change", is true! No one can make you change your thinking patterns or how you think about yourself. Only YOU have the power to change your mind and perspecitives. "No one is coming to rescue you" - Pam Golden.
These are some books that I have been working with. I HIGHLY recommend "CHOOSE the Happiness Habit - from Pam Golden, it was featured on Oprah.
This is where I am today. I am working the Pam Golden's "habit builder" and it's WORKING...when I WORK IT MENTALLY. If I let myself sluff off back into my normal negative thinking habit, I feel the nervousness and social phobia, if I work Pam's program and FOCUS throughout my day and concentrate ONLY on the POSITIVES, I HAVE A GREAT DAY, I DON"T FEEL NERVOUS (bad thoughts creep in but i stomp them out), I FEEL CONFIDENT, I CAN HAVE CONVERSATIONS, I FEEL GREAT, and WHEN I FEEL THAT WAY I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I DON"T FEEL DEPRESSED, I FEEL BLISSFULL AND THE WORLD BECOMES A GLORIOUS PLACE I"M NOT JOKING! But within MINUTES I can change my focus and feel depressed again. It's my choice of thought patterns. And the point is, and Pam Golden hit it on the head, You have to make it a HABIT, so that it becuase a part of your everyday everyminute for the rest of your life. And all of this is without medication. I used to take meds, but stopped taking them a few months ago because I was sure I could do this without popping a pill from some corporation that was messing with the chemicals in my brain and body and no guarantee that it might have adverse affects on me later in life. But meds might work for you, they may very well be necessary.
Now, like I said, if I stop concentrating on the positives and get sidetracked, allll the sudden my thoughts start drifting back to the negative , including self doubting thoughts. It's almost like, picture me a train, I learned to ride this negative train track most of my life, I learned to ride that track, but then after feeling all the pain and TORMENT of that track, I finally after searching everywhere learned to forcefully push myself onto the RIGHT, smarter , healthier, happier track (THE TRACK I AM SUPPOSED TO BE ON) and ITS GREAT, but then it doesn't feel like THAT TRACK THAT I"M USED TO, and i start drifting back onto the NEGATIVE painful track again because it feels normal and before you know it I'm crying at home by myself because I just had a social phobia moment at the local grocery story where my voice and hands were shaking in front of the checker boy. Because of course I thought that the checker boy is better than me. Understand?
So, honestly, today is one of those days. And yesterday was one of those days and the day before. That's why I'm on this site. I've fallen from the program. And coincedently I haven't been following Pam's program for same amount of days. I just started my job last wednesday and I STUDIED and focused ONLY on the positives the night before my first day of training at work and the first day was AMAZING. I had a great day! It was fun. It started off where the class was all waiting around and I felt nervous and wanted to go sit by myself and this girl followed me and I felt scared like Go away, i don't want to get nervous, I can't talk. And she was just trying to be social! She was nervous and when you get around a bunch of people to alleviate that stress it feels good to talk to other people, when you're feeling good. And she started talking to me and thank god, because she really made me feel good and although i was nervous, I kept telling myself the tools that Pam golden gives you in her workbook/program. I kept telling myself to ONLY focus on positives. And it worked. And I felt happy and confident. And every moment or so the self dout would creep in and I would have to mentally stomp it out and get back on the right track! And I did that all day and had a great day and went home singing.
You can do this to.
ITS HARD WORK. AND YOU HAVE TO BE CONSISTENT!! BUT TRUST ME, IT WORKS.
The first day was good, and I got too confident and stopped working the program and focusing my thoughts. I am now back onto the old track and I'm feeling awful, I felt nervous and awful all day, but just writing this and realizing that I sluffed off has helped me and I already feel better. It is going to take me to get comfortable tonight and work Pam's program again and focus mythoughts. I have to sit down and almost stop my thoughts and put myself back onto the right track again.
Do you see? This is the only way. We are all the same! We are all humans and we react the same way. I'm willing to bet the farm that if you gathered 100 people with "social phobia" in a room and questioned them ,99.9999999999% of the people would finally admit that they have low self-esteem and thought negatively and were depressed.
The answer: you have to change your thinking patterns. Only then will your feelings of nervousness and self-doubt lift. You will feel so good.
But like i said, it's hard work and You have to keep at it. I lost my focus and look at me, my stomach is in knots, my back hurts, I'm cracking my neck and back, I was crying today, I studdered when talking to a neighbor and ended up having to give off that " IDON"T WANT TO TALK " energy so that I could slip away from the conversation.
I know this was long. But I wanted to help and actually see the words to help myself.
I wanted to share my journey.
Please believe me all, you can do this.
I recommend three books.
Only if you think this applies to you read "The 12 Steps to Self-Parenting"
Author:
Patricia O'Gorman
Philip Oliver-Diaz
Patricia O'Gormand
Diaz Philip Oliver
"The Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr. David Burns (that one is a little long and honestly I didn't finish the whole thing, I got what I needed out of it and lost interest, but it's worth reading believe me.
And last but certainly not least, "Choose the Happiness Habit" by Pam Golden.
Read the Feeling Good Handbook first, let that sink in and think about it. Take some time
Then Read Pam Golden's book which is actually a 90 day program. And WORK IT EVERYDAY. .. I sluffed off and look at me, i was nervous and crying. But i'm going back to it tonight and hopefully I will stick with it for the rest of my life!!
I am not a psychologist, although ehehe, I am studying to be one, this is just advice that has worked for me. But I hope it can work for you too.
DON"T GIVE UP...
because one day you might want to kill yourself and the next you wonder why in the hell you ever thought such an extreme thought. NEVER TAKE THAT ROUTE! EVER! NO MATTER HOW BAD IT GETS! IT CAN ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS GET BETTER!
I know, when I focus my thoughts on the positive and am feeling great I think "OH MY GOD, I'm so glad I didn't kill myself LIFE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL! IT CAN BE FUN AND EXCITING!"
Another thing that is helping me is to say to myself " I am a recovering pessimist"
There are two things I have to work on: Focusing my perspectives on ONLY the positive aspects of everything and working on my self-esteem and how I think and feel about myself.
I hope this helps. And one last thing that I would like to add. It doesn't matter whether you were abused and hurt as a child or wether you were teased at school by ignorant surface-level mal-adjusted kids who can't control themselves, or if you grew up in the perfect home, you see, it doesn't matter where we came from , it's how you CHOOSE to think about things TODAY.
Love,
Jessica, March 2004
I grew up in a mentally and physically abusive household. My father, who is in law enforcement and a huge guy with red hair and a very intense personality, beat me up sometimes and generally said things to me that would make me feel bad about myself.
He made fun of me and escalated simple child mistakes like throwing a box of q-tips away that had spilled onto the floor into these catastrophic events (i figured they were dirty and threw them away). He stood with me over the trash can for like an hour and said things in this dramatic and sarcastic voice like "Jesus Christ Jess, why the hell did you do this!? Jess THINK about things before you do it. You're not stupid!? So why in the hell did you do this?" And I would stand there speachless and petrified with my knees weak fearing that a slap might come to the back of my head and I would say in a really low scared voice "I don't know". And he said "Well, get this, we're gonna sit here until you know why, so you better start comin up with somethin fast." And at 7 years old, I was confused and could only say "I don't know". He may have slapped me I don't remember. This type of situation happened a lot over different things, sometimes violent and sometimes just mental torture.
My mother never did anything, even with the beatings because she didn't know how to stand up for herself let alone me or my sister. One time when my father punched me she stood up and said "Michael stop!" but he told her to sit down and shut up...and she did. She was raised in an environment where love was ABSENT no hugs no kisses, just constant berating from my Japanese grandmother. At least she hugged and tried to love me the best way she could. I only see her about once every year and 1/2. We talk on Sundays but the conversation is pretty dry, and mirror the type of conversation you have with a stranger or neighbor. After my stepfather died last year of cancer my mother wrote me a letter introducing a new boyfriend. And along with the introduction was that she was going to commit suicide, but decided not to because the spirit of her dead husband (my stepfather) came to her and told her not to.
I don't speak to my father these days because he is ridden with guilt and hates himself and sabotages every relationship he has. I just don't owe him anything. I have heard from people "Well he's your father and you only have one of those" and that has urged me to try and have some sort of relationship, but just because of one sexual moment with my mother 27 years ago doesn't mean that I owe him any kind of relationship. He cheated on my mother, left us with nothing, didn't pay child support, beat his kids, has killed animals (cats), beats animals, he's a sad piece of shit in my eyes.
I used to laugh at his burps and farts and rude behavior, but it's not funny, it's sad. I mean, if he was good to me, I wouldn't care about the crass behavior, but paired with everything else, it repulses me. I see other peoples' dad's and they're normal and calm and it just doesn't seem real. Now not ALL dads are nice. I'm well aware of that. But some are. Some smile and kiss their kids if they find that they threw the q-tips away and teach the child a gentle lesson or say that they would have thrown them away too! Who knows!? Maybe they would say to the child, "Well hon, I see your logic, but honey we need to be conservative and the floor isn't that dirty anyway so we can just put these back, how's that? Here, help mom (or dad) put these back in here".
I tried to reconnect with him a few months ago but it ended with me crying on the phone when my father said that he was so used to not seeing me (i haven't seen him in 8 years) that he is getting used to not having daughters. He got scared and I cried and hung up and haven't talked to him since. He called me like a week after, well actually his fourth wife called my cell and they were both drunk and left a message and I could hear my father swearing in the backround and ordering his wife around. That call nausiated me and made me feel ashamed of him.
All growing up, I was a shy extrovert. I had this wild and energetic spirit, but shy on the outside. Scared. I didn't have faith in myself. I felt different. My parents were both in the military and we moved around everywhere and i was the new-girl so many times. I always lost the friends that I made. I was always nervous. I had to stand in front of the class and be introduced by the teacher so many times and hear "HIIII JEEEESSSIIICAAA" from the kids who were bored and staring at me. At one point I had been in 7 schools in three years. I smoked my first cigarette when I was 6, lost my virginity at 11 1/2, smoked my first joint when I was 12 with my best friend. I didn't CARE. I WENT MY OWN WAY. I WENT EXTREME. I'VE GONE EXTREME. I have done some crazy things and have scars and tattoos and piercings to remind me and all because I was trying to find SOMETHING. Sanity? Love? Something that matched the love and healthiness I felt inside? But I was angry too, and I related to kids who were angry too, and they liked drugs too, becuase drugs made us happy and forget the REALITY of our pain and sadness. Drugs were our link together. I no longer touch drugs and I've even quit smoking for the most part. I still might smoke one here and there, but not regularly.
I mourn the loss of my childhood from time to time. Now that I know who I am and what I'm capable of I wish I could somehow fly back in time and scoop my little body up in my arms and do what my parents failed to do for one reason or another: Love and nurture myself.
But for the longest time, I have turned my own back to myself. I have cut off the love for myself and left the little girl in me alone and cold. And for one reason or another I have only focused on negative thoughts. I went from the carefree positive thinking when I was a child and became a pessimist. I have focused on what i DON"T have or what I CAN"T DO, not what I DO HAVE and WHAT I CAN DO AND WHAT I CAN WORK WITH. But that's now changing. I'm trying to change, but it's hard work.
I may have had some disturbing things happen in my childhood, I may have barely a relationship with either of my parents, and I really don't have any close relationships with any family members, and I used to cry about it and still do sometimes, but my past has nothing to do with it anymore, no family has nothing to do with it anymore, I CAN"T CHANGE THOSE THINGS. I FINALLY REALIZED THAT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT. And I'm OK with it now. It happened, it makes me who I am today. I can finally say and KNOW what it means to say that I accept my past. It's been a hard journey, I didn't even know what it meant to "accept" your past. It's a mental journey. It takes THINKING ABOUT IT and making good with it in your head and then in your heart. Embrace it, love it, say "it's OK", it happened, what now? What matters now? ME, the PRESENT, and how I think and feel about it. How am I GOING TO CHOOSE TO THINK ABOUT?
I have a couple choices, ONE WAY IS RIGHT AND ONE WAY IS WRONG:
Think negatively? I have PLENTLY OF practice with this. But the difference is one way is RIGHT and one way is wrong and untrue. Here it goes: Ok my life has sucked, my father beat me, I am unlovable, I have done bad things, no one loves me, i'm all alone, i suck, i'm a loser, i'm nervous, I have nothing, I AM A VICTIM.
(ok, this is CHOICE, CHOOSING to be a victim. This is all perspective that you shoot at yourself so sneakily by YOU/your subconcious)
OR choice #2 - think positively and concentrate only on the positives(which this takes practice, I have to literally sit and THINK about this, where I shot things out easily in the paragraph above) : I accept my past, it made me aware of mean people, it taught me lessons on how i DON"T want to be as a parent, I had my saving grace wonderful grandparents who loved and adored me, at least I was kissed and hugged, at least I lived in 1st world country and had a full meal to eat every night, etc..see where I'm going with this?
You see when you CHOOSE to see it this way it becomes so much more positive and happy. yes you realize that there were unforunate things that happened but you can REGAIN control from thinking positively about it and not to mention you feel HAPPY , not sad and regretful.
Now, with telling my story, I'm not looking for a pity party, I only want to share what I've learned. To share my story and tell you the progress that I've made.
Right now I'm in the middle of making some serious progress. But I am still feeling social phobia. But the important thing is this: I have figured out why I get nervous talking to other people and why I get depressed. It's because I haven't quite mastered thinking positively and accepting and loving myself.
They say they don't know what the cause of social phobia is. I DO. It's from LOW SELF-ESTEEM and PESSIMISM. You think you're LOWER than other people. You may even think at your lowest point that YOUR CAT is better than you. You have 0 faith in yourself. You may feel that you can't depend on yourself.
I have learned the "cure" to social phobia and that's from dealing with it for 8 years and not giving up. I will try and overcome this with everything that I've got. But it's important to say that it's taken me this long to figure out what it is. You didn't see these kinds of forums when I was 19. In fact I didn't even have a computer back then. It has taken me time. It's a journey. I had no idea that I didn't love myself or HOW TO LOVE MYSELF. I thought i was an emotionless robot going day to day through life. It's a day to day , moment to moment process. It's an internal journey.
The serious reactions started when I was 19. One of the first times I remeber feeling the fight or flight feeling was when I was 19 and at work working with this high up guy, real nice gentelman, and he was rich and powerful, but laid back and we were all alone working on a saturday in the stock room and he was watching the football game on a mini tv and we were both sitting at a desk chatting a little. And he asked me a question and I answered it and he seemed surprised at my answer and it almost looked as if he didn't believe me or that's how I took it and I my face got so red and then I thought, "oh my god my face is red, he probably thinks i'm lying" and then my face got even redder after that thought and I freaked out inside and then I just dropped the subject and gave off this energy like I DON"T WANT TO TALK ANYMORE, and looked and acted nervous. I could no longer concentrate or have fun. I felt like a loser and a crazy person. Who KNOWS what he thought. He probably wondered why my face got so red and why I just stopped talking. maybe he thought I was lying!?
When I'm thinking negatively and doubting myself that is when I feel social phobia.
The point is social phobia comes from low self-esteem and self-doubt and thinking negatively. You feel it because you feel you are lower than other people. It's plain and simple.
If you are ever in a social situation, which inevitably you will, and you start to feel your SP, STOP and analyze your thoughts at that moment! What are you thinking? What are your thoughts? Write them down. Draw a little stick figure and a thought bubble and put the thoughts that were going threw your head at that moment in the bubble.
You'll probably see thoughts like "They are better than me", "Do I look OK?" "I'm ugly" "They're normal, I'm not" "I have to speak perfectly, or otherwise they'll see what a fool I am" "He sees through my eyes how ugly I am inside" "He sees that I have no self esteem" "He thinks I'm stupid because I have no self-esteem" Things like this. These are all clues that we don't ACCEPT and LOVE ourselves and our lives. Those are thoughts that I have in my head. I obsess about how other people think of me. BUT there's good news. When you start thinking positively and focusing only on the positive and having fun and being happy, all those thoughts DISAPPEAR, i'm not joking. EVEN WITHOUT MEDICATION. BUT IT TAKES BEING CONSISTENT with your thinking and focusing.
This is a journey that you will have make yourself. No psychologist can change you. That joke "how many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the lightbulb has to WANT to change", is true! No one can make you change your thinking patterns or how you think about yourself. Only YOU have the power to change your mind and perspecitives. "No one is coming to rescue you" - Pam Golden.
These are some books that I have been working with. I HIGHLY recommend "CHOOSE the Happiness Habit - from Pam Golden, it was featured on Oprah.
This is where I am today. I am working the Pam Golden's "habit builder" and it's WORKING...when I WORK IT MENTALLY. If I let myself sluff off back into my normal negative thinking habit, I feel the nervousness and social phobia, if I work Pam's program and FOCUS throughout my day and concentrate ONLY on the POSITIVES, I HAVE A GREAT DAY, I DON"T FEEL NERVOUS (bad thoughts creep in but i stomp them out), I FEEL CONFIDENT, I CAN HAVE CONVERSATIONS, I FEEL GREAT, and WHEN I FEEL THAT WAY I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I DON"T FEEL DEPRESSED, I FEEL BLISSFULL AND THE WORLD BECOMES A GLORIOUS PLACE I"M NOT JOKING! But within MINUTES I can change my focus and feel depressed again. It's my choice of thought patterns. And the point is, and Pam Golden hit it on the head, You have to make it a HABIT, so that it becuase a part of your everyday everyminute for the rest of your life. And all of this is without medication. I used to take meds, but stopped taking them a few months ago because I was sure I could do this without popping a pill from some corporation that was messing with the chemicals in my brain and body and no guarantee that it might have adverse affects on me later in life. But meds might work for you, they may very well be necessary.
Now, like I said, if I stop concentrating on the positives and get sidetracked, allll the sudden my thoughts start drifting back to the negative , including self doubting thoughts. It's almost like, picture me a train, I learned to ride this negative train track most of my life, I learned to ride that track, but then after feeling all the pain and TORMENT of that track, I finally after searching everywhere learned to forcefully push myself onto the RIGHT, smarter , healthier, happier track (THE TRACK I AM SUPPOSED TO BE ON) and ITS GREAT, but then it doesn't feel like THAT TRACK THAT I"M USED TO, and i start drifting back onto the NEGATIVE painful track again because it feels normal and before you know it I'm crying at home by myself because I just had a social phobia moment at the local grocery story where my voice and hands were shaking in front of the checker boy. Because of course I thought that the checker boy is better than me. Understand?
So, honestly, today is one of those days. And yesterday was one of those days and the day before. That's why I'm on this site. I've fallen from the program. And coincedently I haven't been following Pam's program for same amount of days. I just started my job last wednesday and I STUDIED and focused ONLY on the positives the night before my first day of training at work and the first day was AMAZING. I had a great day! It was fun. It started off where the class was all waiting around and I felt nervous and wanted to go sit by myself and this girl followed me and I felt scared like Go away, i don't want to get nervous, I can't talk. And she was just trying to be social! She was nervous and when you get around a bunch of people to alleviate that stress it feels good to talk to other people, when you're feeling good. And she started talking to me and thank god, because she really made me feel good and although i was nervous, I kept telling myself the tools that Pam golden gives you in her workbook/program. I kept telling myself to ONLY focus on positives. And it worked. And I felt happy and confident. And every moment or so the self dout would creep in and I would have to mentally stomp it out and get back on the right track! And I did that all day and had a great day and went home singing.
You can do this to.
ITS HARD WORK. AND YOU HAVE TO BE CONSISTENT!! BUT TRUST ME, IT WORKS.
The first day was good, and I got too confident and stopped working the program and focusing my thoughts. I am now back onto the old track and I'm feeling awful, I felt nervous and awful all day, but just writing this and realizing that I sluffed off has helped me and I already feel better. It is going to take me to get comfortable tonight and work Pam's program again and focus mythoughts. I have to sit down and almost stop my thoughts and put myself back onto the right track again.
Do you see? This is the only way. We are all the same! We are all humans and we react the same way. I'm willing to bet the farm that if you gathered 100 people with "social phobia" in a room and questioned them ,99.9999999999% of the people would finally admit that they have low self-esteem and thought negatively and were depressed.
The answer: you have to change your thinking patterns. Only then will your feelings of nervousness and self-doubt lift. You will feel so good.
But like i said, it's hard work and You have to keep at it. I lost my focus and look at me, my stomach is in knots, my back hurts, I'm cracking my neck and back, I was crying today, I studdered when talking to a neighbor and ended up having to give off that " IDON"T WANT TO TALK " energy so that I could slip away from the conversation.
I know this was long. But I wanted to help and actually see the words to help myself.
I wanted to share my journey.
Please believe me all, you can do this.
I recommend three books.
Only if you think this applies to you read "The 12 Steps to Self-Parenting"
Author:
Patricia O'Gorman
Philip Oliver-Diaz
Patricia O'Gormand
Diaz Philip Oliver
"The Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr. David Burns (that one is a little long and honestly I didn't finish the whole thing, I got what I needed out of it and lost interest, but it's worth reading believe me.
And last but certainly not least, "Choose the Happiness Habit" by Pam Golden.
Read the Feeling Good Handbook first, let that sink in and think about it. Take some time
Then Read Pam Golden's book which is actually a 90 day program. And WORK IT EVERYDAY. .. I sluffed off and look at me, i was nervous and crying. But i'm going back to it tonight and hopefully I will stick with it for the rest of my life!!
I am not a psychologist, although ehehe, I am studying to be one, this is just advice that has worked for me. But I hope it can work for you too.
DON"T GIVE UP...
because one day you might want to kill yourself and the next you wonder why in the hell you ever thought such an extreme thought. NEVER TAKE THAT ROUTE! EVER! NO MATTER HOW BAD IT GETS! IT CAN ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS GET BETTER!
I know, when I focus my thoughts on the positive and am feeling great I think "OH MY GOD, I'm so glad I didn't kill myself LIFE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL! IT CAN BE FUN AND EXCITING!"
Another thing that is helping me is to say to myself " I am a recovering pessimist"
There are two things I have to work on: Focusing my perspectives on ONLY the positive aspects of everything and working on my self-esteem and how I think and feel about myself.
I hope this helps. And one last thing that I would like to add. It doesn't matter whether you were abused and hurt as a child or wether you were teased at school by ignorant surface-level mal-adjusted kids who can't control themselves, or if you grew up in the perfect home, you see, it doesn't matter where we came from , it's how you CHOOSE to think about things TODAY.
Love,
Jessica, March 2004
