Nothing really dazzling about me, but here goes...

[razzle dazzle rose]

I really need a place like this. Skimming some posts, I can relate so much. This is such a huge forum though. Kinda overwhelming! Seems like a great place though, so I am excited to be here.

So, what brings me here? Horrible loneliness. I don’t want to be too much of a downer (not in my introduction anyway), so I will keep this brief. Never been much of a social person. I always figured things would get better for me in that area somehow. That has not been the case, and instead, things have gotten much worse, to the point where it is unbearable. I know what I need/want, don’t know how to get it. Now I doubt I will ever get relief from this anxiety.

I am in my late twenties, a girl…live in one of the biggest cities in the world, but you guessed it, I have a hard time meeting others…and those I do meet are big flakes. There are several things working against me, such as being unemployed and being car-less. That is what has made this year especially difficult (that, and getting facebook a few months back…what a bummer that was!!!) I have a boyfriend, but he is miles and miles away, and only get to see him a couple times a year; it is typical me to be involved with someone long distance.

Sometimes I feel like I only live when I dream. Sometimes I don’t want to wake up ‘cause of that. I want to forever be in that world. I notice that my anxieties creep into that world too…ha. It is inescapable!

So, hello everyone

 

[twiggle]

Welcome to the forum! I can definitely relate to a lot of the things you speak of (I'm unemployed and don't have a car either)
Your username is the name of one of my favourite ever songs btw. Are you a Camera Obscura fan?

 

[Predacon]

Hi welcome to the site. So which of the world's biggest cities do you live in?

 

[Nanita]

Hi and welcome
I relate to what you wrote... because;

I don´t have a job or a car either...
I also have a boyfriend who lives miles away, in another country.

I used to always say that I feel mostly alive when I dream.

I have very few friends. The friends I feel a great connection with, live far away. And then there are a couple of friends that live close to where I live, but I don´t really feel connected to them.

 

[upndwn]

Hi razzle dazzle rose, welcome to SPW

I came to these forums for many of the same reasons as you. I don't have a car or a job and I'm 33

I have kind of a semi-girlfriend who can't decide between me and her ex (which she lives with). I'm a pretty social person though and have a lot of friends, although it seems they are all slowly drifting away as the years go by. despite all this I'm pretty lonely, I really don't seem to connect with people in any meaningful way. Maybe it's because I'm to afraid of sharing my feelings. Anyway, enough about me. You said you lived in one of the largest cities in the world? May I ask where that is?

 

[BlueDays]

Hello Rose welcome to the site.

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

Thanks for the welcomes We all seem to have a lot in common. The not having a car really sucks 'cause it means I am mostly stuck at home. I hate public transportation; takes too long to get anywhere...by the time I arrive I just wanna go back home. The thought of it is just causes too much anxiety actually.

Ah, and city...nothing fancy, sorry for making it sound that way, just Los Angeles, ha. Lived here all my life so I have no excuses for not having friends.

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

Your username is the name of one of my favourite ever songs btw. Are you a Camera Obscura fan?

Yes, I am! It is one of my favorite songs too. Was listening to it when I created my account here. I was gonna go for plain Rose but that was taken, so yeah.

 

[coyote]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

 

[Kiwong]

My next door neighbour, a lovely lady who had agoraphobia it tuned out, once said I would get over my shyness. I never did, it turned into social anxiety. Poor lady once had me climb into her window and open the front door ang get her mail, because she was afraid to go outside. The things you realise later on, the pain they go through all alone.

I live a waking dream, my running and racing. It is hard someone times to keep going out into the world, but weel worth the pain in the end.

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

My next door neighbour, a lovely lady who had agoraphobia it tuned out, once said I would get over my shyness. I never did, it turned into social anxiety. Poor lady once had me climb into her window and open the front door ang get her mail, because she was afraid to go outside. The things you realise later on, the pain they go through all alone.

I live a waking dream, my running and racing. It is hard someone times to keep going out into the world, but weel worth the pain in the end.

That is like my biggest fear. Right there. To be lonely and caged. Like I am now...only to have it go on and on. And I wouldn't be a lovely lady. I'd be bitter and mean. Like I am now. Ha...

If only I could go back, I say. Back when I was young and I would change things, yes, I would. But I know it isn't true because I can change things right now and I don't. i.just.can't. I am waiting for my that life changing moment. I am fully aware that it may never come.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Welcome to the forum~!
I was just thinking awhile ago; "this forum could use a little more razzle dazzle..."
haha

 

[DeadmanWalking]

That is like my biggest fear. Right there. To be lonely and caged. Like I am now...only to have it go on and on. And I wouldn't be a lovely lady. I'd be bitter and mean. Like I am now. Ha...

If only I could go back, I say. Back when I was young and I would change things, yes, I would. But I know it isn't true because I can change things right now and I don't. i.just.can't. I am waiting for my that life changing moment. I am fully aware that it may never come.

The only way you can erase that future you fear is by facing your social fears now and getting acclimated to the world. Your life-changing moment is there, it's just waiting for you to grasp it. So, what are you waiting for? Come on, it's time to get up and shape your future!

Anyway, welcome to the forum!

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

The only way you can erase that future you fear is by facing your social fears now and getting acclimated to the world. Your life-changing moment is there, it's just waiting for you to grasp it. So, what are you waiting for? Come on, it's time to get up and shape your future!

Anyway, welcome to the forum!

Thanks, ha, I got really down for a moment there, didn't I? It's just the weekend. Things seem harder during the weekend for some reason. That fear is really real of course. It makes me sad thinking of what has become of me.

I need a reason to get out of the house (other than my sister asking me to run errands with her...why do we only run errands and not do fun stuff I ask...because you am boring she tells me...and my heart breaks. We used to be best friends. I guess she got tired of my lameness :: )

I am full of excuses and will talk myself out of doing anything on my own outdoors. I have been wanting to head to a section of the city I like and feel comfortable in...just to Starbucks, for coffee and a book. Would take two buses to get there though...almost seems not worth it? When I could be home and make my own coffee and have TV and internet to keep me occupied. But that is not the point, right? If I could do that, go out on my own, take those two buses and hang out with myself for an hour or two, that would be great. If I could make small talk with a stranger that would be grand. It almost makes me feel silly what a big deal I make out of this, but it really is a big deal for me. At this point it is. If I do it, I will post about it here. It could be like an exposure therapy exercise or something. I always feel better when I get out of the house.

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

Welcome to the forum~!
I was just thinking awhile ago; "this forum could use a little more razzle dazzle..."
haha

Thank you! You are so sweet

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

Hey there Rose. Welcome to SPW
I can also relate to a lot of what you said. Mainly the loneliness, unemployment, and car-lessness (since I don't have my license yet -__-)
But alas, yes, this is a great place indeed. You'll meet plenty of people here who you can relate to and certainly make friends with. Hope you enjoy your stay here

 

[Kiwong]

If I could do that, go out on my own, take those two buses and hang out with myself for an hour or two, that would be great. If I could make small talk with a stranger that would be grand. It almost makes me feel silly what a big deal I make out of this, but it really is a big deal for me. At this point it is. If I do it, I will post about it here. It could be like an exposure therapy exercise or something. I always feel better when I get out of the house.

Push through what ever pain you can I reckon, take baby steps, it'll be worth it. Whatever happens up down or inbetween will be a story you can make for yourself.

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

Push through what ever pain you can I reckon, take baby steps, it'll be worth it. Whatever happens up down or inbetween will be a story you can make for yourself.

I spent the whole day out, by myself, and it has done me a world of good: I feel human. Got to feel the wind tousle my hair, and felt the heat of the sun...got that much needed vitamin d! I kept thinking "baby steps". The last time I had gone out on my own was in early August, and only 'cause I had to (jury duty); before that it must have been months and months... I did a little shopping, eating, reading...even went to the beach for a bit. Seven hours total out.

The most stressful parts of the day were getting out of the house, walking through busy parts of the city, and waiting for the bus; I hate being seen if that makes sense. Like, maybe someone I know sees me, and that stresses me out I don't know why. Wearing sunglasses outdoors (never indoors!) makes me feel better so they are a must. The noise of cars also agitates me. Those are things I have to get over/work on.

Overall, great day. I am so happy I did it. I just hope I can keep doing it. Twice a week or something. There are so many museums here, and I have been wanting to visit them for years but have never had anyone interested in going with me. Maybe I can finally go on my own? I don't know if I can manage that but I will try. And perhaps find a volunteering gig and later a job. Save up for that much needed car. Maybe I am thinking too far ahead, haha. Glad I found this site...it makes me accountable? The feedback here encouraged me to to take this step. Thanks guys

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

I had been doing well.

My goal was to go out twice a week on my own. On the first week I was able to do this. On the second week I only did it once. And this third week, I stayed home 5 days straight. Not a good feeling at all; you know those headaches you get, where your head feels so heavy and what you need is not pills but a breath of fresh air? Yes, I had major "bloat" head. It just felt like it weighed a ton.

This happens to me all the time. I go through this cycle where I start at the top feeling great and motivated and ready to make a change, and I am full of ideas and I feel so excited I could just burst. And then I come crashing down. I always say I won't let it happen. I will control myself, I will take deep breaths, but I forget and I fall.

Reading my last post here, wow. I need that again. I am so glad I wrote about it or else I would have forgotten.

My SA is debilitating. I have no semblance of a normal life anymore. I have been so negative here the last couple of days. I wish I could be a ray of sunshine, but I just can't sometimes. I don't really don't know what to do.

 

[MikeyC]

Razzle, you've made good progress in even deciding you want to go out more often. I say you should keep at it! Don't make massive trips cross-country. Just go to the shops, or for a lazy walk/drive anywhere. It'll get you out and it'll clear your "bloat head" somewhat.

I'm the same as you, where I make plans to change and never, ever follow them trough, so I'm a bad teacher right now. But if you take small steps along the way, you will be fine and going out won't be such a massive issue anymore.

Don't be negative. Be strong. I'm available for a chat if you need it.