Tempus35
1
So I thought I would post my story, I am not saying it is anything that is exceptional.
So I have social phobia and depression, at least those are the things I know I have, I might also have some OCD.
My story starts somewhere around 5th/6th grade, my memory of events isn't super great anymore, but what happened is sometime in about 5th or 6th grade my dad moved out of the house. There was no explanation that I can remember for it at the time, this came later. I really don't know how this leaving of my dad made me feel but it was the start of issues. It was about a year or so later that the explanation came. We were all sat down and were told that my dad found out that he was gay. At the time I don't even think I understood the concept of gay. I remember my family crying, not me, and then having it sweeped out of the way.
It was later that in 7th grade that for about a month or so I developed these awful stomach issues. I was taken to multiple doctors, with multiple tests, for them to find nothing. And in time they all ended. This might have been the first sign but only seen in hindsight.
Then in 8th grade is where the real trouble started. This was an awkward year for me, since I was just coming into my shell, and had a crush on a girl in one of my classes. About 1/3 of the way through the school year, I was apart of a "smarter student" group and I was in a little room with like 5 others, at one point I had to go to the bathroom and as school policy needed a hall pass. Well I thought I could wait till the end of class and go, well I was wrong. At one point I really had to go, so I went to get a pass and well needless to say it took a while to get, by the time I was heading to the bathroom, I lost control. I was beyond embarrassed and did what I could to dry the pants so I didn't look I did that. I then went back to the room, though in a horribly panicked state, thinking everyone would know. When class ended, it was the last one of the day. I ran out of the school, and took the long secluded route home, I walked that is. I believe this event to be a major turning point in my issue.
It was the next day while in class that I suddenly had to run to the bathroom again, I went and seemed fine, till I got back to the room and within minutes had to go again. This happened 3 times before I was sent home. It was a long couple of months after that in which doctors did many tests to figure out what was wrong. The whole time I refused to leave the house. In time I was told I had social phobia, and was sent to a psychiatrist. They tired working with me. I was also recommended to take meds, which turned into taking Paxil. Needless to say, this is a time in which many memories are faded. I know that I told I had to go to school in some capacity to move on to 9th grade. Plans were drawn up for me to do independent study etc, and to stay in the counselors office at school. Though this worked to a degree. Any social connections I might have had were lost, my grades slipped for the first time in a long time, and any hope of getting closer to the girl I had a crush on was out the window.
In time I was able to get out more, but it never was the same, I became depressed, withdrawn. Had few friends, and not great ones. The one time the girl I had a crush on tried talking to me, I ran, as I have been doing. Any time I have a panic attack, the first issue I get is the uncontrollable urge to go to the bathroom, and it wont end. I did move on to the 9th grade, but by that time, I had gained wright, and became super withdrawn. Throughout highschool the withdrawn state stayed, I was a loner in many aspects. Memories of high school are also very fragmented. My grades slipped more, though I passed school with a decent gpa. Interests I had before the issues were lowered, I lost all motivation.
It has been 10 some years since that time and I still have many unresolved issues. I can't remember many things that happened in those years, it is like I don't care to remember. I still can't talk to many people and when I do I can't stay in the room more then 10-30 minutes at a time before I have to run to the bathroom. Forget about talking to girls, that wont happen. I just run away. Due to this I have never had a girlfriend, I havent even kissed a girl. And it feeds the depression. I am still on paxil, though I have lowered the dose to 10mg, in hopes of gaining some more emotion back.
Needless to say everyday I fight to be normal. I sit in class and figit and hope no one sees. I have to use disabilities to allow me to leave rooms when I need to etc, though even that isn't great, since I cant leave if there is a test, and those can last 2 hours, and well within 30 minutes I lose concentration. And I fight the urge to want to socialize to want to met people, only to have that urge be pushed back by my fears. It is a never-ending loop.
I wont make this much longer, but I am at one of those cusps in life, I have to pass this college to get a degree or my chances to try again are beyond slim. My family is to poor to help in any aspect there, and they all have their own issues now. I am afraid I will fail, and my ability to care or get motivated isnt really there.
Thank you for reading this, if you did. And sorry it was so long, this is really the first time I have talked about some of this to anyone.
---Tim Wright
So I have social phobia and depression, at least those are the things I know I have, I might also have some OCD.
My story starts somewhere around 5th/6th grade, my memory of events isn't super great anymore, but what happened is sometime in about 5th or 6th grade my dad moved out of the house. There was no explanation that I can remember for it at the time, this came later. I really don't know how this leaving of my dad made me feel but it was the start of issues. It was about a year or so later that the explanation came. We were all sat down and were told that my dad found out that he was gay. At the time I don't even think I understood the concept of gay. I remember my family crying, not me, and then having it sweeped out of the way.
It was later that in 7th grade that for about a month or so I developed these awful stomach issues. I was taken to multiple doctors, with multiple tests, for them to find nothing. And in time they all ended. This might have been the first sign but only seen in hindsight.
Then in 8th grade is where the real trouble started. This was an awkward year for me, since I was just coming into my shell, and had a crush on a girl in one of my classes. About 1/3 of the way through the school year, I was apart of a "smarter student" group and I was in a little room with like 5 others, at one point I had to go to the bathroom and as school policy needed a hall pass. Well I thought I could wait till the end of class and go, well I was wrong. At one point I really had to go, so I went to get a pass and well needless to say it took a while to get, by the time I was heading to the bathroom, I lost control. I was beyond embarrassed and did what I could to dry the pants so I didn't look I did that. I then went back to the room, though in a horribly panicked state, thinking everyone would know. When class ended, it was the last one of the day. I ran out of the school, and took the long secluded route home, I walked that is. I believe this event to be a major turning point in my issue.
It was the next day while in class that I suddenly had to run to the bathroom again, I went and seemed fine, till I got back to the room and within minutes had to go again. This happened 3 times before I was sent home. It was a long couple of months after that in which doctors did many tests to figure out what was wrong. The whole time I refused to leave the house. In time I was told I had social phobia, and was sent to a psychiatrist. They tired working with me. I was also recommended to take meds, which turned into taking Paxil. Needless to say, this is a time in which many memories are faded. I know that I told I had to go to school in some capacity to move on to 9th grade. Plans were drawn up for me to do independent study etc, and to stay in the counselors office at school. Though this worked to a degree. Any social connections I might have had were lost, my grades slipped for the first time in a long time, and any hope of getting closer to the girl I had a crush on was out the window.
In time I was able to get out more, but it never was the same, I became depressed, withdrawn. Had few friends, and not great ones. The one time the girl I had a crush on tried talking to me, I ran, as I have been doing. Any time I have a panic attack, the first issue I get is the uncontrollable urge to go to the bathroom, and it wont end. I did move on to the 9th grade, but by that time, I had gained wright, and became super withdrawn. Throughout highschool the withdrawn state stayed, I was a loner in many aspects. Memories of high school are also very fragmented. My grades slipped more, though I passed school with a decent gpa. Interests I had before the issues were lowered, I lost all motivation.
It has been 10 some years since that time and I still have many unresolved issues. I can't remember many things that happened in those years, it is like I don't care to remember. I still can't talk to many people and when I do I can't stay in the room more then 10-30 minutes at a time before I have to run to the bathroom. Forget about talking to girls, that wont happen. I just run away. Due to this I have never had a girlfriend, I havent even kissed a girl. And it feeds the depression. I am still on paxil, though I have lowered the dose to 10mg, in hopes of gaining some more emotion back.
Needless to say everyday I fight to be normal. I sit in class and figit and hope no one sees. I have to use disabilities to allow me to leave rooms when I need to etc, though even that isn't great, since I cant leave if there is a test, and those can last 2 hours, and well within 30 minutes I lose concentration. And I fight the urge to want to socialize to want to met people, only to have that urge be pushed back by my fears. It is a never-ending loop.
I wont make this much longer, but I am at one of those cusps in life, I have to pass this college to get a degree or my chances to try again are beyond slim. My family is to poor to help in any aspect there, and they all have their own issues now. I am afraid I will fail, and my ability to care or get motivated isnt really there.
Thank you for reading this, if you did. And sorry it was so long, this is really the first time I have talked about some of this to anyone.
---Tim Wright
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I have never had a b. friend, nor kissed, it's hard to believe because i'm what u'd call uncoventially beautiful... but whatever ... still sucks!
