MY SOCIAL LIFE UNDER OCD. or is it PURE O? or SIMPLY ANXIETY

[blessmysoul]

HELLO EVERYONE.. I AM NEW TO POSTING.. I have OCD i believe its probably PURE O..i am suffering from.. but now my problem is mainly HOCD, IRONICALLY PEDOPHILIA THOUGHTS FLARED UP SIMULTANEOUSLY WITH MY HOCD - websites like this have flared up my OCD several times before so i have avoided coming on them i.I think SENSORIMOTOR-OCD is what i had as a child day dreaming excessively. I once told a friend of mine I have felt like "I Did NOT EVEN EXIST," because of my day dreaming i suppose i was an illusion. my 1st real experience of depression at age 18 made me feel like i was going crazy & it probably flared up my OCD a yr later [ i visited a psychiatrist exactly a year ago.. i was given fluvoxamine meds.. i believed naively that i can overcome my problems without meds, i intend to visit my doctor soon though..

1st major experience happened when i found myself day dreaming about heaven INSTANTLY blasphemous thoughts was directed to God himself- that was 1997 so hearing Gods name spoken or by reading it made me repeat that bad word INSTANTLY. SO READING THE BIBLE WAS IMPOSSIBLE.. that happened just before i got baptized even while in the pool i was trying to avoid it and it happened i felt God hated me or would never forgive me.. IT was intense in the 1st yr & less in the next 2 yrs . DURING that time i remember my blasphemous thoughts took on a new role when one night i was drinking a glass of water & the compulsion to think of it flared up & continued everytime i drank liquids afterwards i would gobble drinks QUICKLY to avoid these bad blasphemous thoughts or voice in my head and saying words out loud like [ God is good ] OR I would tap the wall or my body with my hand several times a second many times daily as it was relentless..

I have always been attracted to women sexually & i have found their bosom/breast my central focus & fav. body part throughout my years.. 6 yrs ago i found myself watching a few male friends lips and ESP their chests especially when they were shirtless on occasions such as playing football on the beach,playground, at their private homes making them feel very uncomfortable which i def would understand and act the same way in their stead-- having HOCD really made me feel insecure,doubtful,fearful , my confidence plummet, low self esteem. before my HOCD spiked 2 yrs ago, perhaps 3 weeks before [[ i was extra conscious of germs & washing my hands & when I use to be on crowded sidewalks, i felt an uncontrollable compulsion to watch women chest area and also their groins ]]

Then i began watching my male co-workers groins, lips & even involunteerily looking at men in an inappropriate way NOT that i felt attracted to them BUT those around me most likely thought i was gay .. I Didnt know at the time but i had panick attacks with my heart throbbing and i had tingling sensations in my chest area at times when i felt anxious. I have had sleep issues as well for several yrs periodically ESP when my ANXIETIES IS HIGH.. and i find myself thinking excessively esp in the last 6 yrs if my memory serves me right .. speaking of MEMORY i have felt i have SIGNIFICANT MEMORY LOSS in my mid 20's ..CAN ANYONE SUGGEST A REASON BEHIND THAT..???

HIV intrusive thoughts, fear of germs, worry over diseases & my sanity, heart attacks & any illness i read about made me feel very worried and .. my FEARS would RISE which made me feel i might have these symptoms. i believe its called HYPERCHRONDRIASIS I also read about G.A.D.-generalized anxiety disorder, my search online tells me i might have this as well & believe when ocd subsides G.A.D takes over.FOR EXAMPLE in early feb. 2012 I was hearing music in my head left region [ this was distinct alternative rock music to be exact ] Once i heard a loud increasing voice , also i have heard other fainter single voices speaking AND faint group voices speaking & singing. perhaps this occured about 7 times in a 3 week period.. IT WOULD BE NICE TO HEAR SOME FEED BACK OR ENCOURAGEMENT ABOUT MY CURRENT PROBLEMS THAT HAS WRECKED MY SOCIAL LIFE, WHAT DOES ANYONE THINK OF ST JOHNS WORT ??

I might soon use it.. right now i am taking men's vitamin/mineral sups & melatonin sleep sups..I truly prefer to weather the storm as TIME passes without the use of medication... I AM PREPARED TO GO ON MEDS THOUGH IF I HAVE TO EVEN IF IT IS FOR A FEW YEARS ..

 

[ohheybbyitscorixx]

Sometimes memory loss can be dissociation. A lot of people who experienced traumas that they can't, or barely can remember have that. I can tell you that thinking about pedophilia is actually a common obsessive thought with some OCD sufferers. It does NOT mean you would do it, but rather you are afraid you would do something horrible like that, and do compulsions to "prevent" yourself from doing it. There are many people who are afraid if they don't do compulsions they will kill someone, or rape someone, or do something absolutely horrible (which in reality, they would never do anyways). I will tell you I used to have obsessive thoughts about pedophilia and NOT know why, and it stressed me out. I eventually remembered I was molested. I believe sometimes your obsessions can be related to your past more than you think. It sounds like watching your coworkers private areas is a compulsions, especially because you are not gay and watch the males. I would really recommend having a therapist. Talking to someone, and maybe figuring out what your specific symptoms are sounds like a must in your case. That way, you can work on specific ways to cope with them. I also recommend one because if you go on St Johns Wart, you will want to be monitored. If you have any type of depression, it can make it way worse. It would be worth it to have someone like that keep in touch at least. OCD, especially combined with generalized anxiety, can wreak havoc on your social life. It's hard to be close to someone. Working with a therapist to at least talk about some of these issues could open up a part of you that is better able to handle personal relationships. Some therapists even have groups with other people with anxiety, and maybe you could meet a friend who understands you. Also, I just looked up what HOCD was...and since you aren't gay and this is very specific, I still think it's possible that something in your past may have triggered these obsessions. If you have any more questions or want to elaborate on your story any more, please ask/do.

 

[blessmysoul]

well you certainly made an analytical observation.. to be honest .. i had probably 2 or 3 repressed memories in my 2times adulthood perhaps once in my childhood 1time.. if my memory serves me right.. i think when i did have that memory in my adultlife perhaps 5 yrs ago was the 1st and the 2nd maybe 3 yrs ago..it took the FORM OF dreams or while sleeping i had this repressed memory and wondered if this happened ..it seem so real... that i felt i was molested as a child by a neigbourhood child perhaps a yr older than me.. i remember hearing stuff like that happening to other kids in the area where children boys in particular did it a couple times..this seem so vague now.. and i dont know if its real or not real... so many yrs ago.. i must have been between ages -5-10 .. this memory seemed so real.. and i wondered if i am gay cause i dont think kids do that at those ages.. and not aware that they did these things does that happened.. ??? its real been hard for me.. esp when u hear ppl coming out the closet..

right now my compulsions spikes up esp or mainly in social atmospheres.. when i feel either whoever i am around with is watching me thinking of me as such or wondering if she or he heard such gossip.. and i worry esp if i am seating in the front seating areas of church esp where those rumours had spread ... i FEEL ANXIOUS in places like that where i think ppl think of me as such.. i feel i have made much progress def.. and with GODS WILL AND BLESSING I WILL OVERCOME.. not beat OCD BUT OVERCOME.. " when swimming in rough waters its best to swim ashore.. even the best swimmers can drown ... " I HAVE SEEN A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM all of this i have posted now and above.. and i was on fluvoxamine.. I know what life God wants for me ..i know from childhood my spiritual perspective and moral stance on homosexual things although i dont hate them i know in my heart thats not the life i wish to live