my current struggle

[defiance]

This post is going to be a bit weird for me to write but it is one that is constantly on my mind. If anyone has read some of my previous posts you'll know I struggle with anxiety,depression, and suicidal thoughts almost on a daily basis. Lately I have been feeling that if it weren't for my parents, I'd probably be gone by now. By that i mean i don't want to hurt them because they aren't bad parents. But here is the kicker, and also an insight as to how my mind works a bit. I wish sometimes they were bad parents because if they were then nothing would be holding me back. I am grateful for them please don't get the wrong idea but when your mind is messed up you think of messed up things like this. If they hated me, or were abusive for example I could just let go and be done and not have to suffer anymore. I know, there is no way to say this without sounding ungrateful and loony. They deserved a better son. Someone that could offer FAR more than what I can. Because to be quite honest I can't offer much of anything. I don't know.... just the way my crazy mind is working these days. I guess it is looking for a way out and so it is looking at the one thing that keeps me here and it starts messing with it so maybe I can change my tune on that issue as wellmg:. Can anyone relate to this? I'd love to hear your comments. Maybe there could be some insight someone could give me and that would be greatly appreciated.

 

[kihira]

I can relate to the constant depression, suicidal thoughts and feelings of being inadequate in the eyes of someone important.

What I have learned so far is to not trust your thoughts at all when you're depressed. And don't try to think your way out of the depression. Depressive thoughts seem to make sense at the time, but they can be very, very wrong.

What I'm currently trying to do is to release myself from feeling as though I'm somehow obliged to be a better person in the eyes of those close to me and that I'm worthless until I am. This is wrong, it only feeds the depression and weighs me down.

I didn't ask for this depression. I wasn't given the greatest start in life, the environment I grew up in did not bring out the best in me. I have struggled in life and I am where I am. Not all trees in an orchard grow big and bountiful, but it doesn't mean they don't produce at least some nice fruit.

I don't have clear enough thinking right now to word this any better, but I hope there's something of help there for you.

 

[DanielLewis]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, but you have to realize life isn't over for you. You talk like it is though. No matter how deep you think you're in the hole, you can start digging yourself out. Create positive momentum for your life for a more positive future. You're either making progress towards something greater each day, or your remaining stagnant. It's your choice.