Looking for asnwers for my love-story

[maria76]

Hi all,

I am new around here. And I am here as I am looking for answers in my delicate situation.

I think - I am not absolutely sure - that I am in love with a love-shy guy and I am a love-shy person myself. It is like a never-ending race of losing and gaining confidence on both sides, but never in sync.

This love-story goes on for more than a year now.

We work in the same office but we do not work together - do not share the same project and never will (thank God!).

This guy I am talking about is not a shy guy. Actually he is the kind of alpha male that charms both genders equally. He is incredibly smart, funny, friendly.

Me on the other hand am confident and pleasant, I can see in people's eyes I am good looking and charming as well. English is not my first language, but I can hold lengthy conversations on various subjects with anyone. I can make jokes and can make anyone lough. That doesn't mean I am not shy. I am actually very shy; I used to be shy all my life.

[...]

 

[maria76]

We spy on each other like wild animals while in the office. We sometimes look into each other’s eyes from across the room for what looks like a long time. We can't talk to each other unless there are people around us and we do not face each other. Otherwise we are completely blocked.

I must say, the sexual tension between us is huge.

After we feel comfy enough and lock eyes for a few days in a row, he then shuts me out. It happened so many times that now I am able to predict when his "retreat" will happen.

[...]

 

[maria76]

He knows I like him a lot. At some point I told myself he likes me to feel in love with him as it boosts his self-esteem. I decided then to move on, but before that I needed to know for sure he doesn't have a different kind of problem; I know he is dating, but that he is single for a long time. So I safely asked a person who knows him for more than 7 years. She confirmed he never had a girlfriend these 7 years. This matched my intuition. He looked to me that he is having dates just to show the world that he is not completely odd in this matter, but he is actually not interested, he doesn't take them seriously (the dates), or even he sabotage them - consciously or unconsciously.

He is in his 30's now.

 

[maria76]

I would love to understand what goes on in his head, or his heart. Why he shuts me down when we get a bit closer. And what can I do to get a bit closer together.


I found this site google-ing for my problem. I read all about the love-shyness. I understand so much more now. But I cannot give up on him. I need to know... to understand. My confidence goes up and down all the time depending on his behaviour. It is not easy to keep positive considering I am a mom, I am separated but not divorced yet (hopefully will be done in a month's time), I am a foreign and I am a bit older than him - because of all these details I know my chance for love is a small. Because even if he likes me (and I know he does), he may just be overwhelmed by the responsibility of the kids, or by the cultural differences, or by the age difference.


Any thoughts? Any ideas? Any questions?

Thank you for reading - I tried to keep it as short as possible.

 

[Bronson99]

I would say there's a lack of ability to answer here, because no guys here are alpha males, super smart, funny, and confident. You're looking in the wrong place for ideas.

Or try placating us by saying you like shy guys who aren't smart or confident, I think that will get us all to come out of the woodwork and help!

 

[jc972]

Sounds like he's not confident enough to make the next move. Almost as if the alpha male thing is just a show. Sounds like he is definitely interested in you though.

 

[SoScared]

I don’t want to burst your bubble but it might just be a game of peek a boo.

 

[Kiwong]

This sort of situation seems to occur frequently on these forums. A kind of obsession, by someone creating an untested mythology about a love-shy object of desire. Some go for years, without anything ever eventuating.

Your thoughts will remain just that thoughts until such time as you test them by approaching this man, or moving on.

 

[SoScared]

^ Wise words. I’ve had a few of those in the past. I think I’ve learnt how not to get involved in any more.

 

[BlueDays]

........ It is not easy to keep positive considering I am a mom, I am separated but not divorced yet (hopefully will be done in a month's time), I am a foreign and I am a bit older than him - because of all these details I know my chance for love is a small. Because even if he likes me (and I know he does), he may just be overwhelmed by the responsibility of the kids, or by the cultural differences, or by the age difference.

^It seems as if you just answered your own question right there.

I would say there's a lack of ability to answer here, because no guys here are alpha males, super smart, funny, and confident. You're looking in the wrong place for ideas.

^Well there are some super smart and funny guys in here, so two out of four ain't bad. :bigsmile::thumbup:

 

[maria76]

I would say there's a lack of ability to answer here, because no guys here are alpha males, super smart, funny, and confident. You're looking in the wrong place for ideas.

Or try placating us by saying you like shy guys who aren't smart or confident, I think that will get us all to come out of the woodwork and help!

Hi, Bronson99.

See, that's the thing - I particulary like the fact that he is shy, even though he is so confident in general. Being shy shows me he is well aware of what is going one with him and that he can get emotional. I find it absolutely charming that he can get emotional - a man showing emotions, a man who is so delicate that he reacts to any little impuls is extremely attractive to me. I have my reasons to believe that such a guy's love is one to be taken seriously.

Thank you for your replay.

 

[maria76]

Sounds like he's not confident enough to make the next move. Almost as if the alpha male thing is just a show. Sounds like he is definitely interested in you though.

Thank you jc for your replay.

Have you ever been in such a situation yourself?

 

[maria76]

I don’t want to burst your bubble but it might just be a game of peek a boo.

Thank you SoScared.

I know for sure it's not a game.
I am sure he is attracted and intrigued by me. I am sure he wants to come closer but he doesn't know how. Anytime he comes closer, I know he loses it - his emotions are overwhelming. It happens to me as well.

Did it ever happen to you?

 

[maria76]

This sort of situation seems to occur
Your thoughts will remain just that thoughts until such time as you test them by approaching this man, or moving on.

Kiwong, thank you for your replay.

I agree with you.

Approaching or moving on.

Tell me more about approaching. How do you see it happen? When, where, how? Anything that crosses your mind will be more than appreciated!

 

[maria76]

^ Wise words. I’ve had a few of those in the past. I think I’ve learnt how not to get involved in any more.

SoScared, please can you tell me more from your experience? Where do you think it went wrong? Any details will help. Thank you.

 

[maria76]

^It seems as if you just answered your own question right there.

Yes, but there is a BUT in there as well.

Considering I do not need a babysitter, or money, or any kind of pappers/documents as I am completely independent, he has nothing to worry about. But he doesn't know all these little details about me. So to this point, if this is the reason he doesn't make a move, then it's not fair on me.

I do intend to write a letter (or a few) about me and drop it on his desk - do you think would be a bad move?

I would not ask for anything, just talk about my past of which he knows nothing, while I know a lot about him.

 

[jc972]

Thank you jc for your replay.

Have you ever been in such a situation yourself?

No. If i liked a girl i'd make the next move unless i wanted her to chase me. He might enjoy you pursuing him.

 

[Gieky]

If he is a confident, alpha male and he is interested in you, he WILL make the first move, especially if he knows you want him too. If he does like you, but other circumstances prevent him from going through with it, there's nothing you can or really should do to try and change it. There's lots of possibilities. Maybe he likes flirting but doesn't want to be involved with someone at work, maybe he is gay and also attracted to women but not for sexual relationships (I know guys like this), maybe he doesn't want anything serious and gets the vibe that you do, etc, etc.

"If I can only make him see we are perfect for each other" only works in movies. It rarely ends well in real life.

 

[Kiwong]

You need to talk to him. Shared glances across an office no not equate to the "story" you have created.

 

[maria76]

You need to talk to him. Shared glances across an office no not equate to the "story" you have created.

If he is a confident, alpha male and he is interested in you, he WILL make the first move, especially if he knows you want him too. If he does like you, but other circumstances prevent him from going through with it, there's nothing you can or really should do to try and change it. There's lots of possibilities. Maybe he likes flirting but doesn't want to be involved with someone at work, maybe he is gay and also attracted to women but not for sexual relationships (I know guys like this), maybe he doesn't want anything serious and gets the vibe that you do, etc, etc.

"If I can only make him see we are perfect for each other" only works in movies. It rarely ends well in real life.

No. If i liked a girl i'd make the next move unless i wanted her to chase me. He might enjoy you pursuing him.

He might. Then again he could have devoured me and discard me by now many times. but he didn’t. I don't understand.

At the beginning we used to chat, go for lunch together and we even went for a group date. That's where he found out I am separated. He didn't know and he felt I am only playing him. He became cold after that and even angry in some occasions. I was upset myself of the confusion and I didn't know what to do. I tried to just move on and find somebody else. I didn't know him that much back then. In time though I got to know more and more about him and everything was good, I felt like I am falling in love so I tried as much as possible to keep distant and to avoid him. Him on the other hand started to pursue me again. I was so caught in my feelings of rejection that I just could not understand his moves as pursuing me. We started to avoid being just two of us alone. We would chat when in groups, but never alone. At some point I started to notice he was as uncomfortable as I was when we would meet each other walking in the office. That's when I started to think I might be actually wrong. So I went to his desk to ask about a problem of his and he reacted like an wild animal caught in a cage, while trying to act polite. He was scratching his arms like mad and was totally fidgeting, the look on his face was hard to describe... That's another part of the story.


He told me that I am only being nice because I want something from him. I was in shock. Latter when I went back to my office I sent him a short message via messenger saying only that he is wrong about me. He never answered but from that day he totally changed his attitude towards me. I would find him around me chatting and joking - it was brill. It was actually so good that it felt overwhelming. And I had to sabotage it once more...