Kindness=Weakness

[Megaten]

I would have at one time been the first person to argue against such a claim, but if anything the last few months and now my new job has taught me is that it's dangerous to be nice to someone at first meeting. Being nice tells people they can find a way to either screw you around or not take you seriously. Eventually you're going to either have to put them in their place or cut them off. Very few people respond in kind to a genuinely nice attitude. If history has taught us anything its that people that are feared for what they might do were much more powerful than those coming in with open arms. What do you think? Im hoping for someone to convince me otherwise because Im very close to being jaded by humanity and ready to treat them how they deserve to be.

 

[Jungle]

The world we live in is full of opportunists and egoists, they'll try to screw you over whenever they have the chance, not all people are like that though, certain people will treat you the same way you treat them.

As a matter of fact it all depends on how the common mentality in your town/country is.

I know from experience that certain people will even take you for a fool, and will try everything they got to rip you off.

When someone is kind to me I get extremely suspicious, because I don't know if it's genuine or pure hypocrisy.

Don't assume that people won't do something (that you deem immoral or inconceivable) just because you won't, there are evil persons everywhere.

Bottom line, being kind to people in this rotten society is like carrying a placard with "You are welcome to screw me over" on it.

 

[SCP-087-1]

I agree. But I think it's possible to be kind and not be seen as weak. You just have to be able to say "no" and stick to it. The kindness is on my terms.

Always be aware that people will try to screw you over.

Choose when you're kind. Being kind in the workplace is generally a bad idea. You will be taken advantage of. But outside of work there are plenty of non competitive environments where you can be kind.

 

[Opaline]

I disagree. I think kindness is only equated with weakness when the person clearly lacks confidence. It's not the kindness that is being taken for weakness, it is the insecurity, which actually is a weakness.

You can be kind and assertive, but anxious/insecure people are often overly "kind" because they are afraid to assert their boundaries. I can think of a number of people I know who are kind people but would never stand for anyone taking advantage of them or mistreating them.

 

[Megaten]

I disagree. I think kindness is only equated with weakness when the person clearly lacks confidence. It's not the kindness that is being taken for weakness, it is the insecurity, which actually is a weakness.

You can be kind and assertive, but anxious/insecure people are often overly "kind" because they are afraid to assert their boundaries. I can think of a number of people I know who are kind people but would never stand for anyone taking advantage of them or mistreating them.

Well thats the thing, I didnt stand for it. What spurned this was how people started treating me at my new job. It was getting under my skin so bad it was affecting my performance. So I went to management on some of them. Unfortunately now, no one wants to so much as look/interact with me so Im thinking it would have saved me a lot of grief just to be an *** to them right out the door. Like some have said, maybe the workplace just isnt the place to try and make friends.

 

[ONline87_15793]

I would have at one time been the first person to argue against such a claim, but if anything the last few months and now my new job has taught me is that it's dangerous to be nice to someone at first meeting. Being nice tells people they can find a way to either screw you around or not take you seriously. Eventually you're going to either have to put them in their place or cut them off. Very few people respond in kind to a genuinely nice attitude. If history has taught us anything its that people that are feared for what they might do were much more powerful than those coming in with open arms. What do you think? Im hoping for someone to convince me otherwise because Im very close to being jaded by humanity and ready to treat them how they deserve to be.

how a personal-grown said "is maybe an assertivity problem?" did you can't able to get respect or to say your personal opinion in a neutral and clean mode?

 

[Megaten]

how a personal-grown said "is maybe an assertivity problem?" did you can't able to get respect or to say your personal opinion in a neutral and clean mode?

Well I wont lie I could be more assertive in life. I mean I DO have a social phobia and tend to be very laid back with people until they turn ugly. But every time I find myself having to do that I feel like Im a hair trigger away from exploding or something. Thats why I went over their heads in this last situation because I dont know how to be calm and set boundaries.

 

[Opaline]

But every time I find myself having to do that I feel like Im a hair trigger away from exploding or something. Thats why I went over their heads in this last situation because I dont know how to be calm and set boundaries.

I'm the same. It's all or nothing. I either don't speak up or I do but I overreact because of nerves and then I feel guilty. But I prefer that over gnawing bitterness at having been mistreated. Loss of dignity is worse than a little shame at having OVER-defended myself because I still defended myself and protected my sense of worth, know what I mean?

 

[AlienGeranium]

I think kindness is a good thing, but it is easy to be taken advantage of as well, since kind people generally see the good in things and want to help others. While one solution would be just to not be kind, that would make you sort of jaded as well as maybe make you less likable to others (and yourself).

I say just keep being kind. They may screw around with you or not take you seriously, but you know what? At the end of the day you're being a good person and it's probably appropriated by more people than you think. In the work place, if you do your job well you'll get respect whether or not you're nice. I don't know all of life's answers, but I feel like being kind is better than migrating to the land of the bitter and jaded.

 

[BlackPuma]

I disagree with that.

Kindness and generosity cause people to test your strength and try to exploit it, but actual weakness/strength lies in how stern you stand against that challenge. It may emphasize weakness in people, but it is not not one in the same.

I'd even go as far to say that kindness in an unkind world shows greater strength than being stoic, careless and/or aggressive does.

 

[Megaten]

Sorry if I dont respond to everyone here. You guys do make some good points though. Being mean to everyone just because is an easy way out and probably cant be considered strong. I just need to learn how to set boundaries for people that might seem to be trying to bully me without letting my emotions cloud my judgement or ruin my day. I have a history of getting bullied as a kid so Im thinking thats why I get so indignant instead of just neutralizing the situation.

 

[gustavofring]

I've found this to be the case too. Be nice, timid and respectful and people will treat you like a fool. Be gossipy, sarcastic, trashy, arrogant, "cool" and a bit of a **** and people will treat you with respect. It's sickening. There is such a thing as being too nice though, and I agree with another poster that it may be a result of low confidence that people can pick up on. I've noticed myself at times being a bit turned off when people are overly nice. It can be a bit creepy. But I can't really stand overly arrogant "confident" people either, who bully or ridicule overly nice people. That happens a lot sadly.

At work I've learned to sort of put on a mask and try to act a bit confident and assertive to keep people at bay and treat me normally. I really hate that, because I am a naturally introverted person who would rather not deal with people at all, but it's a necessary defensive mechanism. The dualism of being a certain way and acting a certain way is definitely very stressful.

 

[PugofCrydee]

I disagree. Although I understand where you are coming from.

If you are secure in who you are, and don't give a rat's behind whether they like you or not, there is no harm in being nice. It won't be a loss if they decide they don't like you.

But you never know the unintended positive spin offs of just.. being polite.
Just don't be overly nice.

I suppose it also depends on the culture of your place of living. Some places are worse than others.

 

[Megaten]

I saw this vid just now and figured it related to some of the things said here and was interesting. Though I wont claim to be a genuinely nice guy lol.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rr6lsTgZKAQ

 

[kilojoule]

^really interesting. I like Richard Dawkins, I think I'll get that book, thanks for sharing that.

 

[Megaten]

I was thinking the same thing actually. :thumbup:

 

[The Observer]

So sad to read that. Being nice tells people they can find a way to either screw you around or not take you seriously....if you allow them...you always have a choice. Having have no control over your thoughts will allow such circumstances to manifest. Embrace others with open arms always, love unconditionally even those who hurt you. They need it the most.