No_nickname_for_me
New member
I guess the only way to introduce myself to the forum is by describing a bit about me, if anyone cares to read. I found the forum not so long ago and I thought it can be helpful to share my problems. I’m not sure if it’s social phobia, depression low self esteem or anything else what I have, but I might feel better sharing it with someone.
Up until now, I haven’t properly talked about my problems with anyone, not family, not friends nor any professional help (I just can’t afford it). Basically I have no friends, and I spend most of the time alone. Right now I’m taking a free language course and that’s about all the social contact I have. Most of my classmates are married with children and a bit older than me. I get along quite fine with them, but I can’t seem to make a more friendly contact with them, even after almost a year of taking the course. I guess I don’t seem depressed when I’m in school, but once I’m back home I just can’t help to feel so sad. I used to feel good some days, but lately the sad and lonely feeling has been present every single day, every single time. I just can’t enjoy life anymore. It doesn’t help being unemployed and almost broke. I’ve been looking for a job and I have sent applications to quite a few places, but the only response I’ve gotten is negative. It’s quite hard to take for me. Even though I’m in my mid-twenties and I have college education, I can’t get a job in a fast food restaurant or a supermarket, where even underage high school teenagers are working. In that sense, I can’t help to feel absolutely useless. A lot of people my age are already starting with careers, relationships, family… and that puts a huge amount of extra pressure on me.
When it comes to relationships, I have just encountered rejection. I’ve been able to ask girls out 3 times in my entire life. The first time she accepted and stood me up. We went out one more time and but she was obviously not interested. The second one I tried (4 years later) just blew me off with an unashamed bad excuse and the third one (a year later) started talking about another guy she was interested, and dating at the same time, in the middle of the date. After those experiences, I got a huge fear of being rejected again that I have just avoided trying. I just don’t have the strength to be rejected again. Nowadays, I feel bad and even angry when I see a loving couple out in the street; sometimes it takes just a group of friends hanging out and having fun to make me feel down, I just can’t stand to feel so awfully jealous about those things. Yesterday I saw a group of friends (not my friends... of course...) saying hi and hugging each other, and the first thing that came to my mind was that I just can’t remember when the last time anyone gave me a hug. It’s just a horrible feeling and I don’t think I can keep on living like this. It is not normal and it is not healthy.
I don’t even have the will to do things I used to enjoy, like writing and playing music, going to concerts or going out to eat. Everywhere I see happy people, while I don’t have anyone to talk to. It has gotten so painful. The only thing that I can say I enjoy is sleeping, and I try to do it as much as I can.
I don’t want to keep wasting my youth like this, hating myself for not being able to live life like a human being, but I just can’t seem to find a way out.
Up until now, I haven’t properly talked about my problems with anyone, not family, not friends nor any professional help (I just can’t afford it). Basically I have no friends, and I spend most of the time alone. Right now I’m taking a free language course and that’s about all the social contact I have. Most of my classmates are married with children and a bit older than me. I get along quite fine with them, but I can’t seem to make a more friendly contact with them, even after almost a year of taking the course. I guess I don’t seem depressed when I’m in school, but once I’m back home I just can’t help to feel so sad. I used to feel good some days, but lately the sad and lonely feeling has been present every single day, every single time. I just can’t enjoy life anymore. It doesn’t help being unemployed and almost broke. I’ve been looking for a job and I have sent applications to quite a few places, but the only response I’ve gotten is negative. It’s quite hard to take for me. Even though I’m in my mid-twenties and I have college education, I can’t get a job in a fast food restaurant or a supermarket, where even underage high school teenagers are working. In that sense, I can’t help to feel absolutely useless. A lot of people my age are already starting with careers, relationships, family… and that puts a huge amount of extra pressure on me.
When it comes to relationships, I have just encountered rejection. I’ve been able to ask girls out 3 times in my entire life. The first time she accepted and stood me up. We went out one more time and but she was obviously not interested. The second one I tried (4 years later) just blew me off with an unashamed bad excuse and the third one (a year later) started talking about another guy she was interested, and dating at the same time, in the middle of the date. After those experiences, I got a huge fear of being rejected again that I have just avoided trying. I just don’t have the strength to be rejected again. Nowadays, I feel bad and even angry when I see a loving couple out in the street; sometimes it takes just a group of friends hanging out and having fun to make me feel down, I just can’t stand to feel so awfully jealous about those things. Yesterday I saw a group of friends (not my friends... of course...) saying hi and hugging each other, and the first thing that came to my mind was that I just can’t remember when the last time anyone gave me a hug. It’s just a horrible feeling and I don’t think I can keep on living like this. It is not normal and it is not healthy.
I don’t even have the will to do things I used to enjoy, like writing and playing music, going to concerts or going out to eat. Everywhere I see happy people, while I don’t have anyone to talk to. It has gotten so painful. The only thing that I can say I enjoy is sleeping, and I try to do it as much as I can.
I don’t want to keep wasting my youth like this, hating myself for not being able to live life like a human being, but I just can’t seem to find a way out.
