doubleM
Well-known member
ive noticed that everything i say in a social situation is all like an act. i am completely incapable of expressing my true emotions to people. ive been told that before by a few people who noticed it.
im the type of SA person who puts up a farce of being ok. i was probably worse about it when i was a teenager cuz i was so nervous at school i could never say what i really thought. i had a really pretentious nature. i would try to show off, say stupid stuff, break rules just to seem cool. i still do that to some degree but not as bad. i will do something silly and then feel dumb later for doing it. part of that is my nature becuz i like to irritate people. but i always do it becuz i think it will impress someone...which usually doesnt work.
im just a total loner and thinker by nature. im not a talker. when someone approaches me to socialize, i get extremely nervous, but i put up that act of being nice to them...all while in my mind im like "please for the love of god go away and leave me alone!" there have been few people that really made me feel comfortable.
i think part of this stems from my relationship with my parents. my dad would always respond with negativity to everything i said. and a big part of it was at school as a kid i was tortured and made fun of everyday for years by a group of kids. then i just shut real self up inside and began to put on a face for people.
there were also times when people were slam dunking me/putting me down....and i did not fight back. i just said something like "uh ok sorry". when the real me inside would have said "**** off and get outta my way". im always looking back wishing i had stood up to certain people. but the actor took over.
the world does not even know the real me. the real me only exists here in my room when im alone. does anybody else notice that about their anxiety?
im the type of SA person who puts up a farce of being ok. i was probably worse about it when i was a teenager cuz i was so nervous at school i could never say what i really thought. i had a really pretentious nature. i would try to show off, say stupid stuff, break rules just to seem cool. i still do that to some degree but not as bad. i will do something silly and then feel dumb later for doing it. part of that is my nature becuz i like to irritate people. but i always do it becuz i think it will impress someone...which usually doesnt work.
im just a total loner and thinker by nature. im not a talker. when someone approaches me to socialize, i get extremely nervous, but i put up that act of being nice to them...all while in my mind im like "please for the love of god go away and leave me alone!" there have been few people that really made me feel comfortable.
i think part of this stems from my relationship with my parents. my dad would always respond with negativity to everything i said. and a big part of it was at school as a kid i was tortured and made fun of everyday for years by a group of kids. then i just shut real self up inside and began to put on a face for people.
there were also times when people were slam dunking me/putting me down....and i did not fight back. i just said something like "uh ok sorry". when the real me inside would have said "**** off and get outta my way". im always looking back wishing i had stood up to certain people. but the actor took over.
the world does not even know the real me. the real me only exists here in my room when im alone. does anybody else notice that about their anxiety?
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