Is it ok to not care?

[nothingmuch]

A few years ago I went to a therapist and she seemed very concerned that I was so isolated. She made various suggestions such as volunteering that I never tried. (I was seeking therapy for a different problem.)

I'm in my mid 40's. I used to have a couple of friends, but I moved away from them 10 years ago. I talk to people at work, and I visit my mother several times per week. (She is very isolated too.) I talk to my cat too.

I've been a weird loner for so long that I no longer have any hope of changing and I no longer care.

 

[Srijita52]

Well it depends, are you okay with it? If you are then its perfectly fine.

 

[nothingmuch]

Well it depends, are you okay with it? If you are then its perfectly fine.

I guess so. :idontknow: I'm sure it would bother me more if I didn't have my mother and coworkers. The few times in my life when I have had absolutely nobody to talk to were hard psychologically. It's hard to care when I've been this way so long.

 

[Bobcat]

Live your life the way that makes you happy. Just make sure you don't lie to yourself thinking you prefer loneliness when you really dont.

 

[Kiwong]

If you are OK with being on your own, I think it is fine. You care for your mother and your cat so you care about the important things.

 

[Scandic123]

Well, you don't have to be social if you don't want to. But if you want to, then it is a problem that you need to overcome somehow.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

I can definitely relate.

But I suspect it's depression talking when you say it doesn't bother you. I'm guessing that's why you asked in the first place, you probably know that deep down it's not great to be isolated like this.

 

[Srijita52]

I guess so. :idontknow: I'm sure it would bother me more if I didn't have my mother and coworkers. The few times in my life when I have had absolutely nobody to talk to were hard psychologically. It's hard to care when I've been this way so long.

If you get along with your coworkers, maybe you can see them more often? Maybe outside your work? I think unless someone is an extreme loner its hard being completely alone. The thing about people is you can't control them, because the have minds of their own haha. So if you don't want to be lonely, you have to take the measures.

 

[nothingmuch]

Live your life the way that makes you happy. Just make sure you don't lie to yourself thinking you prefer loneliness when you really dont.

I wouldn't say I lie to myself, but by I am very good at avoiding uncomfortable situations. But not entirely - last night I watched a DVD about astronauts with my mother and it left me very depressed. The astronauts were such cheerful, cool, well-adjusted people and it reminded me that I've always wanted to be like that but can't. :sad:

If you are OK with being on your own, I think it is fine. You care for your mother and your cat so you care about the important things.

Thanks. Probably it's the best I can do, so I might as well be happy with it.

Well, you don't have to be social if you don't want to. But if you want to, then it is a problem that you need to overcome somehow.

Yep. I wonder if I want to change or not. I know I don't have hope of changing. I remember being very hopeful that I could fit-in at college because it was a small nerdy place. But I was still an outcast - even among nerds.

I can definitely relate.

But I suspect it's depression talking when you say it doesn't bother you. I'm guessing that's why you asked in the first place, you probably know that deep down it's not great to be isolated like this.

Depression is also a big problem for me. I try to do some cardio exercise every day to improve my mood, but it's hard to be that disciplined.

If you get along with your coworkers, maybe you can see them more often? Maybe outside your work? I think unless someone is an extreme loner its hard being completely alone. The thing about people is you can't control them, because the have minds of their own haha. So if you don't want to be lonely, you have to take the measures.

I always feel so awkward in social situations. I've thought about volunteering at the animal shelter, but I'm afraid I would have a dozen cats instead of one cat.

 

[jaim38]

I think each person has his/her own social needs. Some people need lots of friends to be happy while others are ok with just a few. You're not completely isolated because you interact with your coworkers, your mother, and your cat so by definition you are not a hermit. You should ask your therapist why she's so concerned because having a large social circle doesn't necessarily mean a happy life.

 

[nothingmuch]

I think each person has his/her own social needs. Some people need lots of friends to be happy while others are ok with just a few. You're not completely isolated because you interact with your coworkers, your mother, and your cat so by definition you are not a hermit. You should ask your therapist why she's so concerned because having a large social circle doesn't necessarily mean a happy life.

thanks, that is a good suggestion. I quit seeing that therapist a couple of years ago, because it wasn't helping me and the therapist seemed to be very condescending and overbearing in her attempt to convince me that I had problems that I didn't see. In retrospect I think she was correct on some things.

 

[Tian_Tian]

I feel like you do.
I don’t care.

My thing is I don’t like most people. I mean, humans have great capacity to love and even greater capacity to hate. I can’t deal with mean, ugly spirited people. I can't stand hypocrisy, people who are negative, ruthlessly ambitious, that lie or who are insecure due to vanity or materialism. So it pretty much counts everyone out in my circle of people I know. I can’t deal with gossipy people. I do have one friend who is just “normal” but I don’t see her or speak to her often because I don’t want to. I don’t want attachments, or expectations from people. I very much enjoy the world I’ve created and come out of my cave every once in awhile because, let’s face it, I’m human and need human contact so as not to go cuckoo.

I treat others the way I want to be treated and can’t abide rudeness. I’ve seen too much and experienced too much betrayal, and lies from “loved ones and friends” to ever really trust.

I am not a well adjusted person; I’ve gone to years of psychotherapy and am very in tune with myself and how people “feel”. I’m too deep for most people and come across as weird. Whatever.

I had a co-worker comment to me, “You don’t get out much do you?” No, I purposely don’t.

“All the world is indeed a stage and we are merely players, performers and portrayers, each another’s audience inside the gilded cage”.

No thanks. I want truth, realism, sincerity…or I will have nothing.

I have all my life been looking “in” from the outside.

YOU have to understand why you do the things you do in order for YOU to be ok with caring or not:thumbup:

 

[ReclusiveGirl22]

I love my cat. ... even though she claws and chews and sleeps on my stuff.

 

[nothingmuch]

I love my cat. ... even though she claws and chews and sleeps on my stuff.

yep, I am typing with one finger because my cat decided to use my other hand for his pillow.

 

[nothingmuch]

I feel like you do.
I don’t care.

My thing is I don’t like most people. I mean, humans have great capacity to love and even greater capacity to hate. I can’t deal with mean, ugly spirited people. I can't stand hypocrisy, people who are negative, ruthlessly ambitious, that lie or who are insecure due to vanity or materialism. So it pretty much counts everyone out in my circle of people I know. I can’t deal with gossipy people. I do have one friend who is just “normal” but I don’t see her or speak to her often because I don’t want to. I don’t want attachments, or expectations from people. I very much enjoy the world I’ve created and come out of my cave every once in awhile because, let’s face it, I’m human and need human contact so as not to go cuckoo.

I treat others the way I want to be treated and can’t abide rudeness. I’ve seen too much and experienced too much betrayal, and lies from “loved ones and friends” to ever really trust.

I am not a well adjusted person; I’ve gone to years of psychotherapy and am very in tune with myself and how people “feel”. I’m too deep for most people and come across as weird. Whatever.

I had a co-worker comment to me, “You don’t get out much do you?” No, I purposely don’t.

“All the world is indeed a stage and we are merely players, performers and portrayers, each another’s audience inside the gilded cage”.

No thanks. I want truth, realism, sincerity…or I will have nothing.

I have all my life been looking “in” from the outside.

YOU have to understand why you do the things you do in order for YOU to be ok with caring or not:thumbup:

I think for me it's not so much that I have requirements for friends other than I don't want them to get too close or familiar. Like some people will put their hand on my shoulder to be friendly and I cringe. Or some family member wants a hug (ugh!). I'm so bad I don't even like personal messages when I join forums, so I turn off that feature. Also I don't like when people address me by name. I prefer "hey you". Something is obviously wrong in my brain.

EDIT: Actually I wonder if I'm protecting myself from being hurt. It's hard for me to display emotions and I feel uncomfortable when people around me display emotions. I don't even like to be praised or praise other people for good work. When I give raises I usually call people on the phone so I can keep it short and avoid any displays of gratitude.

 

[Anxy]

It's fine not to care if you feel it's good for you. It's fine as long and nobody is hurt.

 

[BlueWeepingRose]

If you're perfectly content with how you are, than there's nothing to worry about. However if it bothers you than you should look into things around you're area. Maybe you should talk to you're therapist a little more about it.

 

[nothingmuch]

It's fine not to care if you feel it's good for you. It's fine as long and nobody is hurt.

:thinking: Sometimes I think I'm hurting myself by not trying for more. I'm not sure.

If you're perfectly content with how you are, than there's nothing to worry about. However if it bothers you than you should look into things around you're area. Maybe you should talk to you're therapist a little more about it.

thanks. Right now I'm not seeing a therapist, but maybe I should try again. Sometimes I learn things that help a little bit.

 

[Tian_Tian]

I think for me it's not so much that I have requirements for friends other than I don't want them to get too close or familiar. Like some people will put their hand on my shoulder to be friendly and I cringe. Or some family member wants a hug (ugh!). I'm so bad I don't even like personal messages when I join forums, so I turn off that feature. Also I don't like when people address me by name. I prefer "hey you". Something is obviously wrong in my brain.

EDIT: Actually I wonder if I'm protecting myself from being hurt. It's hard for me to display emotions and I feel uncomfortable when people around me display emotions. I don't even like to be praised or praise other people for good work. When I give raises I usually call people on the phone so I can keep it short and avoid any displays of gratitude.

Hmmmm. So you don’t mind having friends, hanging out, doing social things but you don’t want them to get too close. I know why I’m on this site. Question: Do you know why you’re on this site?

 

[nothingmuch]

Hmmmm. So you don’t mind having friends, hanging out, doing social things but you don’t want them to get too close. I know why I’m on this site. Question: Do you know why you’re on this site?

What I said apparently gives a distorted picture. I tend to have one or two very close friends and do nothing socially except with them. The last 15 years I have had no friends at all, because I moved away from them. I visit my mother several times per week, and that is my social life. I can't even make myself go to holiday meals with the extended family, because I feel so uncomfortable.

So hopefully that gives a more accurate picture. What I was trying to say in the earlier post is that I feel uncomfortable with emotions. It's like I am turtle pulled into my shell emotionally.