I'm so ****ing pathetic.

[SweetCupcake]

I really am. I'm nearly 20 and I can't even go see the doctor by myself or sit in the waiting room or make an appointment.
The receptionist called my name in front of everyone because I needed an emergency prescription, then I had to talk to her at the desk in front of everyone. When she asked me a question, all I could do was whisper a pathetic 'yes', so she asked me to repeat what I just said. So on the way home, my mums bf says he will take me to the next appointment and I can go in by myself because I'm not a baby nor a halfwit and that I'm an adult.(which I'm aware of).
I just want to cry and slit my throat, if i cant even do a simple thing like that how the **** am i ever going to get a job or get married.

 

[SweetCupcake]

Oh and to top it all off the receptionist looked at me like I was stupid when I told her my date of birth because I'm aware I look/act 12.

 

[Kinetik]

I had this same problem for so many years - going to the doctor's, having to phone companies, going into banks to sort things out, etc. There was never a clear cut moment where I improved, it was just a gradual shift whereby people weren't around to do these things for me anymore. I think that's what will happen to you too. Eventually you'll be able to do all this without thinking much of it - it just takes time and practice. It's all a case of baby steps though, and you'll never be thrown into the deep end unexpectedly; you'll just slowly start taking initiative as you mature into your 20s.

At the formative level, I think it comes down to parents not letting kids do enough themselves. It's all "oh come here, I'll do it for you" which leaves children with no life skills and no confidence. We develop into terrified adults because of it.

 

[DespairSoul]

Oh and to top it all off the receptionist looked at me like I was stupid when I told her my date of birth because I'm aware I look/act 12.

Hello, well i do the same in front of people im patethic and get on my nervs if i will be some day not pathetic i will be propably in heaven By the way im tomorrow 26. And i cant do nothing by my self if i do im happy i survive that and later think yet long time what i again **** it with my acting in public..::

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

You're not pathetic. You're someone who suffers from anxiety and is uncomfortable in certain situations. Neither of those things are pathetic, nor are they your fault.

 

[planemo]

I can understand why you would feel pathetic, because I have been in similar situations and just hated myself afterwards and thought of myself as a "freak", "joke" and the word "pathetic" too. I think a lot of it has to do with our beliefs. We label ourselves with negative words in order to show ourselves that we are not happy with being ourselves. We find our nerves and self consciousness around people as unacceptable or even disgraceful. That's certainly how I feel about it. We have this belief that our natural behaviour is so wrong and inappropriate that we hate ourselves for being that way.

I think you should ask yourself the question "if I were an onlooker and I witnessed someone behave the exact way I did at the doctors, how would I react or think about that person?" Would I think of her/him as pathetic? I'm sure you would answer "no", so you have to wonder why you don't show that same sympathy towards yourself. I am the same, but we have to start realising that our shyness and anxiety is not as bad as we make it out to be. Yes, we would prefer to be as social and confident as everyone else, but is being awkward really that bad? To us yes, it is. But to others I don't think so. So try to understand that, and don't label yourself with harsh words. Being the way we are, is not "bad" or "unacceptable". It's just different, not better or worse.

Hope you feel better soon...

 

[Lionheart]

Im happy that im not alone.I have the same problem.Today in school I was working for 8 hours and sure the teacher ask you somethimes thinks like "do you need help"? or "does it works"?Everytime the teacher ask me questions I always say only "yes" or few words.Its always awkward because i just dont know what to say or I just get to nervouse.I have no idea how i want get a job because i cant hide from the job interviews.

 

[PurpleOne]

I hate speaking out in front of others.

 

[Pookah]

I avoid calling doctors, the bank, anyone really. I haven't been to a doctor in over 2 years. I do have a job/car and stuff but the SA still controls me most of the time. I know you feel pathetic but the people who would judge you for it have never felt the way you do, so they have no right.

 

[kj7]

I can't do alot of things on my own in public. For example buying groceries, getting a haircut, going to the DR's etc, getting my license. It sure does suck not being able to feel like I can do those on my own. Don't feel too bad, you certainly aren't pathetic

 

[xxdotxx]

I hate when I have to talk loud sometimes I say never mind

 

[Fighter86]

At the formative level, I think it comes down to parents not letting kids do enough themselves. It's all "oh come here, I'll do it for you" which leaves children with no life skills and no confidence. We develop into terrified adults because of it.

I agree, a too sheltered life creates more problems than giving any real protection, children/teenagers should be allowed to explore and granted certain freedom to learn and do things on their own. Otherwise, when the time comes for them to be independent, they are left cold out in the wind and have no means of doing it since they have never been allowed to do anything on their own, they just aren't equip with the skills.

 

[Falkor]

I understand what you go through. I have exactly the same.
When i'm sitting in a waiting line I feel so nervous and awkward.
I get aware of my actions and I feel so uncomfortable.
And when I have to speak loud, I just say ''Yeah.. oh.. yeah.. yeah. XD''
Because It feels like holding a speech ::
I cannot cope with those situations.
But sometimes, I have times that my anxiety is controle-able.
Today in the supermarket, I tried to smile to people at the cashier.
They were very friendly to me, and I tried to look confident.
I guess it worked.
And I was looking at the place where people come in, they all look down to the ground or a little shocked when they see the huge amount of people standing there.. So I guess everyone deals with a little anxiety because of people around you, but we tend to let it control us, people with sa let the feelings in to much, and we are losing control, because the anxiety is the control and not our will power and our own abilities to feel relaxed.
Be relaxed...... I hope eventually you can control the anxiety , instead of the anxiiety taking power over you

good luck :-*

Flowery

 

[da_illest101]

I was like that a few years ago, but I go better at it. still sometimes i have that problem but most of the time i can manage it

what i do is during the whole waiting time I keep preparing myself mentally for it and it works

 

[mictsekk]

i avoid going to public places too.. I tell myself and others its because i'm lazy but i think subconcsiously i'm just scared :/

 

[LovelyAmor]

I agree, a too sheltered life creates more problems than giving any real protection, children/teenagers should be allowed to explore and granted certain freedom to learn and do things on their own. Otherwise, when the time comes for them to be independent, they are left cold out in the wind and have no means of doing it since they have never been allowed to do anything on their own, they just aren't equip with the skills.

This is SO true. SO true. Now that I am 19 and a sophomore in college, people expect me to be developed completely and I should be able to do certain things and interact in certain ways. That's not true..If you did not receive the proper emotional development when you were a child then it is going to hard for you to deal with certain things in the real world. I don't feel connect with other people my age.

I feel awkward around them. I was an only child and my dad was never around. My mom never showed me any affection. My grandmother did everything for me. She didn't really show that much affection but she was a positive person and I always knew that she cared. My mom mentally and emotionally abused me throughout my childhood. It didn't help that when I went to school I faced the same abuse.

My grandmother and grandfather passed away unexpectedly. Our house was repossessed because my mom couldn't afford to keep it because she never worked and now she CAN'T work because she has a disability. My grandmother was the only person I was close to. I feel so alone now that she is gone. My uncle blaming my mom for her death didn't help. :'( He was very negative and rude and cursed me out one day for no reason. That was emotional abuse in itself...

She is in California now with my Aunt while I am stuck here alone. I am not close to any of my other family members. It sucks. I have such a hard time in college interacting with people. I stay in my room on Friday's and weekends unless I wanna go to the mall and window-shop. I feel uncomfortable when my roommate is in the room and I have a hard time talking to her, even though she is A LOT better than my last roommate. The only time I feel comfortable is when i'm sleeping lol.

When I talk to my mom on the phone and tell her about how I have a hard time interacting with people, she gets mad and tells me i'll never make it in life "with that attitude". She acts like she's ashamed and looks down on me. That really hurt and infuriated me that she said that because she is the one that caused it. When I was going through my severe SA in high school she teased me about it. My major is Criminal Justice and I wanna be a Lawyer so I know I can't be like this forever. Anyway it's just frustrating.

Sorry I wrote so much....too much ranting...::

 

[Tiercel]

SweetCupcake, you're not ****ing pathetic. Right now I'm keeping myself warm at night, so unless you're getting friendly with an imposter....

Try not to let your problems get you down. Just do your best to overcome them as best you can. Here are two things that might not help you too much, but at least they will show that you're not alone in your struggles. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday. Mom is taking me. She's even the one who scheduled it. And I turned 30 a few weeks ago.

And there is a running joke about my twin sister being 16 years old. She sounds and looks young, and absolutely hates people always treating her like she's just a dumb young girl. The good thing is when you two get older, you'll be the envy of every woman who looks her true age. The promise of future esteem seems rather hollow at times, but just think how good you'll feel to still be radiant when your peers are wrinkly, saggy, and old.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

It is frustrating, and a lot of times it seems like “one step up and two steps back” in terms of the progress you make.

I think a lot of us know exactly what you’re talking about concerning your feelings of disappointment, and the fear you have about the future.

 

[Locke]

It’s natural to hate yourself for not giving off the best impression that you or others have defined. Being 20, in other words “an adult”, you have a feeling of what is expected, and it is making you miserable that you aren’t capable of pulling it off yet. I’ve been there. Heck, at 29 I still have to confront my own shortcomings. I’m sorry Miss Cupcake, but this type of self reflection does not end.

Failures tend to smack us in the face and leave us scared about the next round. Here’s a funny thing about doing things that scare us—the more we do them, the better we get. It sounds trite, but it’s the naked truth. It may take repeated visits to the doctor on your own to get there, but you, too, will be able to walk up to that crummy receptionist and complete the transaction of goods and services to the standard of how OTHERS respond to YOU.

Don’t sell yourself short that you can’t get a job or married or get help from a receptionist. It takes time to see this. Yes, you are 20 years old, but you are far too young to have life figured out just yet. Don’t worry too much about feeling immature (It’s okay to worry a little bit—it’ll keep you honest).

You may have to endure more unreflective uninteresting mockers in your life, but you will absolutely get better at it. Dig in and good luck.

By the way, you absolutely do not get a free pass to mention suicide idly. If you’ve put any serious thought into actual suicide, get professional help. Please seek help. Find a hotline or a doctor. An online forum will not be enough.

 

[Kiwong]

I find doctors surgeries hard too.

Once I saw a doctor and my anxiety must've pissed him off. He said next time we are going to send you to a psychiatrist. I felt like saying to the patronising man, talk to me about it, does my anxiety worry you? How about us talk about other options like conselling or CBT? I do have a brain. I left and never returned, I took to the pills he prescribed with a hammer, and flushed them down the toilet.

Because of my anxiety people assume I am less intelligent than them.