I need to know if I was wrong

[MNM322]

Hi. First...I know I posted about this before... and you can read that thread too if you want... I am not trying to OBSESS over this... but I usually do over everything anyway and since we had our misunderstanding but now are on our way to "talking" again, with simple greetings, I feel I may have a second chance at this... I don't wanna blow it or make it worse so I need advice.

This is about the neighbor guy. I apologize this can be long. Thanks for reading if you do.... He is older than me, but nearly 20 years. We got along well though, and he does not look even older than 40 so it never really phased me. Yes somewhere along the way I started to get "feelings" for him but out of my massive fear of rejection and losing people, I never did anything about it...including flirting (at least not intentional) however I DID think we were becoming friends and neighbors can be friends, heck he told me he was "good friends" with this woman who used to be a neighbor, granted she is closer in age than me to him but still, age should not matter with friends.

Anyway... when we had our misunderstanding he said "We are just neighbors. we are not friends or friends for years to come" and while some speculate he might be upset I "Friend-zoned" him, I doubt it, he either just was having a bad day and said it or he really didn't see me as a friend and it bothered him... so I need to know, based on the following things, was I crazy to think we were "Friends"? How can I keep things "just neighborly" in the future but still have it the way we were (if he is willing to, since he thought that was neighborly anyway)

**He told me all kinds of personal things and usually, just randomly telling me. Not because I "Asked" things like... about his father's death, his mom's illness and how they would have fights and how she was hard to live with, his birthday/place (almost right away I knew this), about the issues he had with his brother, the illnesses his niece was going through, tons of details on his surgery including where and when, places/times of events he was going to, how he cried over things (like his pets death and certain movies)

** He offered to help me with things like getting my dogs into new places for therapy visits, picking out a car, giving me rides (and my dogs) before we had a car, helping me think of places my disabled brother could apply for jobs etc

** He invited me to his 50th birthday... with my dogs.. and he was not having a party. It was just me and them, dropping by to hang with him. He CLAIMED he "loved" my birthday card and was gonna frame it (but during his rant last month he said he was sick of cutsey cards and I assume he meant this one as well, so IDK)

**We would sit in the grass most of the time we talked, not stand in the yard or driveway, sit, close by, and alot of times he would interact so sweetly with my dogs playing with them, getting them to do tricks etc...

** He randomly decided to "walk the dogs" home with me one day and to look at my new car

** He happily looked at the photos I took in England of wildlife and ASKED questions about them. Thanked me for bringing them over

** He was willing to help me with my foster dog who hates men and he even ended up petting her (no man outside my house has done that)

** MOST of the times we talked, he would initiate the chat and alot of those times he was "busy" with something but stopped to walk over and talk to me.

** He never once asked to meet or get to know my parents or brothers, my parents own this house. They had been outside alot, and even when he was but nothing... he only ever talked to me, which to this day still baffles me.

Now... I know he has stopped talking to me basically other than "Greetings" but as I said, I am hopeful, in time we may talk again and I CANT mess it up. So were those listed things, neighborly ONLY or was I right in assuming we were at least becoming friends? I am very confused and don't wanna upset him again in the future so I need help. I am horrible at reading people.

Thanks for your time

 

[MikeyC]

I still think you've done nothing wrong. There's really nothing more you can do except wait for him to come around and hopefully he'll be talking to you as normal again.

You said he has OCD, so maybe that's got something to do with it. Maybe he's just a jerk in disguise. Or maybe he did have feelings for you, too, and didn't want to act upon them due to 1. You two are neighbours, and 2. He's much older than you.

Try not to obsess; you'll only do more harm to yourself that way.

 

[jaim38]

I agree. You did nothing wrong; you were just being nice and he went all angry at you. Hey, think of it this way: at least your neighbors don't hate you, because where I live, my neighbors hate my family because my mom keeps trying to sue them.

 

[MNM322]

Mikey, his mom has OCD He is the one who sits alone in his room all the time though, ha... no I am asking if I was wrong about assuming we were friends, or was this just stuff neighbors do? I dont really talk to neighbors beyond hi... and I dont wanna get myself to that place again and be like oh, we are friends... and then, realize I messed up. Thats why I am asking and I try not to obsess but its hard, I obsess over many things. I guess for me, even though he has made an effort to talk to me now I am still trying to figure out, where my place is... is it ok to talk to him? Is it not? Etc... I am a patient person, I hold out hope but if things get worse and not better, I will have to find a way to move, its already seriously hard to live next door and not talk anymore. I always wonder how he is doing, and his mom

 

[coyote]

he sounds like he has social anxiety or Avoidant Personality Disorder

those people are always doing inexplicable things

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I do not think that the lesson to take from this is that thinking someone likes you is stupid, or that trying to make friends is a bad idea, or anything along the lines of you being too hopelessly socially inept.

I think the lesson you should take from this is that this particular person can be counted on to be inconsistent and confusing in his behavior in the future.

 

[MNM322]

Coyote,,, how ironic if we both have social anxiety haha!

Not sure much on the other thing you listed, never heard of it. Is there any easy way to "deal" with people like this so if we do talk again, i dont mess it up? Like how can I get him to be honest about if annoy him or what boundries to set etc

 

[MNM322]

I do not think that the lesson to take from this is that thinking someone likes you is stupid, or that trying to make friends is a bad idea, or anything along the lines of you being too hopelessly socially inept.

I think the lesson you should take from this is that this particular person can be counted on to be inconsistent and confusing in his behavior in the future.

He probably will but that doesn't mean I don't wanna have civil/friendly thing with my neighbor. I already know he doesn't wanna be friends etc... so thats been stuck in my mind. Just trying to see if I was "wrong" in reading friendship or what... so it doesn't happen again. Hey if all this is "normal" just nice neighbor stuff, fine but like I said, not experienced in that, so no idea.

 

[coyote]

Coyote,,, how ironic if we both have social anxiety haha!

Not sure much on the other thing you listed, never heard of it. Is there any easy way to "deal" with people like this so if we do talk again, i dont mess it up? Like how can I get him to be honest about if annoy him or what boundries to set etc

it's really all about fear

let him know he has nothing to be afraid of

no demands, no expectations, no judgment, no pressure

treat him like a rescue dog that has been badly abused

let him know you're there, but let him come to you

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Normal is a pretty gray area.

Try not to focus on what you might be doing wrong and what the precisely right actions would be given any particular set of circumstances--you'll drive yourself crazy going that direction.

Just do your best to be nice. If he doesn't respond well, that doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong--and even if you did you may never know what. As a rule, people are not rational, logical beings.

If your best effort to be nice isn't enough, then perhaps he isn't worth it.

 

[MNM322]

it's really all about fear

let him know he has nothing to be afraid of

no demands, no expectations, no judgment, no pressure

treat him like a rescue dog that has been badly abused

let him know you're there, but let him come to you

Ahh a dog analogy, you know my language! Totally makes sense, for real.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

All the things you highlighted sound like more than just regular neighbourly behaviour to me. It sounds like two people who really get along well. I never saw your original post, so I went and found it, and I have to say that his reaction to your "cutesy" card actually made me pretty angry, and it takes quite a lot to do that.

I don't know what this guy's problem is, but he clearly has some issues, and the problem is definitely not with you, and you did absolutely nothing wrong. You did something very thoughtful for someone that you clearly like. You have nothing to feel bad about.

I tend to agree with Nathaniel, that this guy's behaviour is likely to be inconsistent in the future, but if you do want to pursue this friendship with him it sounds as though you'll need to take things pretty slowly so that he doesn't get freaked out again. Just remember that his behaviour is something outside of your control, and not a reflection on you.

 

[truffleshuffle]

Hi. First...I know I posted about this before... and you can read that thread too if you want... I am not trying to OBSESS over this... but I usually do over everything anyway and since we had our misunderstanding but now are on our way to "talking" again, with simple greetings, I feel I may have a second chance at this... I don't wanna blow it or make it worse so I need advice.

This is about the neighbor guy. I apologize this can be long. Thanks for reading if you do.... He is older than me, but nearly 20 years. We got along well though, and he does not look even older than 40 so it never really phased me. Yes somewhere along the way I started to get "feelings" for him but out of my massive fear of rejection and losing people, I never did anything about it...including flirting (at least not intentional) however I DID think we were becoming friends and neighbors can be friends, heck he told me he was "good friends" with this woman who used to be a neighbor, granted she is closer in age than me to him but still, age should not matter with friends.

Anyway... when we had our misunderstanding he said "We are just neighbors. we are not friends or friends for years to come" and while some speculate he might be upset I "Friend-zoned" him, I doubt it, he either just was having a bad day and said it or he really didn't see me as a friend and it bothered him... so I need to know, based on the following things, was I crazy to think we were "Friends"? How can I keep things "just neighborly" in the future but still have it the way we were (if he is willing to, since he thought that was neighborly anyway)

**He told me all kinds of personal things and usually, just randomly telling me. Not because I "Asked" things like... about his father's death, his mom's illness and how they would have fights and how she was hard to live with, his birthday/place (almost right away I knew this), about the issues he had with his brother, the illnesses his niece was going through, tons of details on his surgery including where and when, places/times of events he was going to, how he cried over things (like his pets death and certain movies)

** He offered to help me with things like getting my dogs into new places for therapy visits, picking out a car, giving me rides (and my dogs) before we had a car, helping me think of places my disabled brother could apply for jobs etc

** He invited me to his 50th birthday... with my dogs.. and he was not having a party. It was just me and them, dropping by to hang with him. He CLAIMED he "loved" my birthday card and was gonna frame it (but during his rant last month he said he was sick of cutsey cards and I assume he meant this one as well, so IDK)

**We would sit in the grass most of the time we talked, not stand in the yard or driveway, sit, close by, and alot of times he would interact so sweetly with my dogs playing with them, getting them to do tricks etc...

** He randomly decided to "walk the dogs" home with me one day and to look at my new car

** He happily looked at the photos I took in England of wildlife and ASKED questions about them. Thanked me for bringing them over

** He was willing to help me with my foster dog who hates men and he even ended up petting her (no man outside my house has done that)

** MOST of the times we talked, he would initiate the chat and alot of those times he was "busy" with something but stopped to walk over and talk to me.

** He never once asked to meet or get to know my parents or brothers, my parents own this house. They had been outside alot, and even when he was but nothing... he only ever talked to me, which to this day still baffles me.

Now... I know he has stopped talking to me basically other than "Greetings" but as I said, I am hopeful, in time we may talk again and I CANT mess it up. So were those listed things, neighborly ONLY or was I right in assuming we were at least becoming friends? I am very confused and don't wanna upset him again in the future so I need help. I am horrible at reading people.

Thanks for your time

I somewhat know where you are coming from. I also suffer from the can never tell if being nice or actualy interested in either friends or other..and I have made the same kind of mistake although the person didn;t blow up at me like that but it didn;t stop me from obsessing over how i misunderstood the situation. Because of that I dont ever usualy let my guard down which sometimes ends up biting me because I won;t let my feelings be know and come to find out later down the road the other person had feelings for me but since I never made a move or let them know they moved on. What I have gathered from what you posted I think the person was sending alot of mixed signales. It seems to me he was using u to blow off steam and stress before the whole blow up. and He may have had feelings for you but felt creeped out at him self for being atracted to a younger person and desided to push you away. I feel bad for how that ended for you specialy since u somewhat had fallen for him and got hurt. I very much obssess like you when something dosen;t go wright evern years after I can be sitting thinking about something or watching tv and boom out of nowhere a thought pops into my head about something that happend years ago and I will stress about it even though i should not. What I have to do is take time and do something and get out of my own head so I don't stress my self. Go for a walk with your dogs and try and think about something just totaly random. I like to either watch a good comedy movie or go for a drive and play my radio loud and roll down my windows.

 

[Facethefear]

Whatever is going on has something to do with his mother. Was he using you to escape from that situation? Does his mother like you? Just play it cool and things will happen in their own time.

 

[MNM322]

Ya his mom likes me, she waves and smiles/says hi almost daily... which ALSO makes it hard to forget him.... Its really not a possible thing to do, at all, while I live here. He was outside all this week so far and I saw him every day when I was on my walk, and everything just flooded back. I was hoping to try and talk to him if he say hi or something but he was so busy in his project he never noticed me....

Its just been hell too, he was talking to another neighbor the other day and I just cried. I am hating myself so much for not being smart enough to see this and ruin things...

@truffleshuffle that is the MOST common "theory" people are throwing at me, that he liked me but the age scares him. Its very weird though, why not just talk nicely to me? Yelling at a neighbor you share a fence/yard with makes **** way akward.... I have to hope that we talk again, because this akwardness is gonna be hell come spring when he is always out. Even if I move... my folks still live here..... so Ill still visit....ugh.. such a nightmare that I cant escape. I WISH I could find out if he did like me but I know in reality he wont ever admit it but if we do discuss this all again at some point, I'll ask him why the age bothers him as "just neighbors" or friends, when he knew my age the whole time? Or something like that.... just to see his reaction

My dog misses him so much still, its very heartbreaking but its good to know I am NOT the only one who was confused by his actions.... he was very mixed signal and it scared me because I never wanted to cross the neighbor boundries, but yet...I did

 

[truffleshuffle]

Ya his mom likes me, she waves and smiles/says hi almost daily... which ALSO makes it hard to forget him.... Its really not a possible thing to do, at all, while I live here. He was outside all this week so far and I saw him every day when I was on my walk, and everything just flooded back. I was hoping to try and talk to him if he say hi or something but he was so busy in his project he never noticed me....

Its just been hell too, he was talking to another neighbor the other day and I just cried. I am hating myself so much for not being smart enough to see this and ruin things...

@truffleshuffle that is the MOST common "theory" people are throwing at me, that he liked me but the age scares him. Its very weird though, why not just talk nicely to me? Yelling at a neighbor you share a fence/yard with makes **** way akward.... I have to hope that we talk again, because this akwardness is gonna be hell come spring when he is always out. Even if I move... my folks still live here..... so Ill still visit....ugh.. such a nightmare that I cant escape. I WISH I could find out if he did like me but I know in reality he wont ever admit it but if we do discuss this all again at some point, I'll ask him why the age bothers him as "just neighbors" or friends, when he knew my age the whole time? Or something like that.... just to see his reaction

My dog misses him so much still, its very heartbreaking but its good to know I am NOT the only one who was confused by his actions.... he was very mixed signal and it scared me because I never wanted to cross the neighbor boundries, but yet...I did

The blowing up at you may have been because of stress from his own situation at home with his mother and his operation and everyting. I have found on occasion I have blown up at people that didn;t deserver it because I was totaly stressed out and didn;t know how to cope. He may also feel ashamed for it as well and not now how to say sorry. I just wish you had some kind of closure so you didn;t have to obsess over why it ended and what you did wrong alothough I don;t think you did anything wrong I think it was just his own problems.

 

[MNM322]

I just wish you at least had some kind of closure as to why he acted that way at least instid of just cuting off comunication with you.

Ya exactly... otherwise It just messes with my head.... and stresses me out. Ya I asked him once if he had OCD too (honestly didnt know if he could from her) and he says "Ya I have OCD to not be OCD" and I was confused but he said basically, he does anything to not be like her.... idk...weirdness but yes she has OCD and dementia BUT her dementia is not horrible yet as she still drives a car....saw her driving around yesterday even.


As for "Friends" ya and thats exactly what I meant "neighbor friends" as I even outright said in person "My family calls you my friend next door, hope thats ok" and he smiled and said yes thats fine... I never meant the type of FRIEND I'd die for, I'd have to know someone a while before I felt that, right now, only my dogs have that standing

 

[truffleshuffle]

Ya exactly... otherwise It just messes with my head.... and stresses me out. Ya I asked him once if he had OCD too (honestly didnt know if he could from her) and he says "Ya I have OCD to not be OCD" and I was confused but he said basically, he does anything to not be like her.... idk...weirdness but yes she has OCD and dementia BUT her dementia is not horrible yet as she still drives a car....saw her driving around yesterday even.


As for "Friends" ya and thats exactly what I meant "neighbor friends" as I even outright said in person "My family calls you my friend next door, hope thats ok" and he smiled and said yes thats fine... I never meant the type of FRIEND I'd die for, I'd have to know someone a while before I felt that, right now, only my dogs have that standing

Im the same way I obsess over almost everything even with closure but if I had closure its not as bad. I do get where he is coming from about not wanting to be like his mother. My father was a horriable person that had some very bad issues We all though he may have been bi-polar or something he had the worst anger he could flip the switch on a drop of a dime and it was just being on egg shells anything you were around him and When i was very young I started noticing I was starting to have some of the same issues I worked hard on my self to be as diffren;t as I could from him.

 

[MNM322]

@truffleshuffle... ya the weird thing is, I TOTALLY get his POV and I dont hate him. I can see why he would be annoyed if he had things going on, esp since I walked up to him cleaning out his car to talk.... I think the fact that HE started saying "hello, how are you" and "good morning" to me AFTER all this, is a good sign... but its been 2 weeks since then so IDK

I just wonder, did he hate me the entire him and just put on a act to "be nice"? How long did I really annoy him for? Why would he start chats with me and talk with me for a long time if I was annoying? Ugh... I feel so stupid

 

[truffleshuffle]

@truffleshuffle... ya the weird thing is, I TOTALLY get his POV and I dont hate him. I can see why he would be annoyed if he had things going on, esp since I walked up to him cleaning out his car to talk.... I think the fact that HE started saying "hello, how are you" and "good morning" to me AFTER all this, is a good sign... but its been 2 weeks since then so IDK

I just wonder, did he hate me the entire him and just put on a act to "be nice"? How long did I really annoy him for? Why would he start chats with me and talk with me for a long time if I was annoying? Ugh... I feel so stupid

I don;t think he hated you at all because You can tell most of the time if somoene dosen;t really want to talk to you because they try and keep the convo short while talking to you and im sure he would have avoided you way before the blow-up. I know that I get figity and slowly try and distance my self from the person that I am haveing the convo with if I want it to end the convo im having and don;t spend along time talking.
You should not feel stupid.. At least your not like me I will obsess over conversation I have with total strangers that I only chat with for a minute. I play it over and over in my mind for hours