I could use some proof readers please

Confuseddd

Well-known member
#1
(I posted this in off topic forum but i recieved little to no traffick and i really could use some constructive critism and help)

Hi, I am currently writing up a persuasive <-- (is that spelled wrong)
essay on the topic of theology. Im attempting to make an argument for our world being relative and for immaterial "knowledge" to be unattainable. It does not have to be overly long although I would like for it to be as persuasive <---(again, is this correct? lol) as possible. If any of you could read it over and find some holes that I may have missed or maybe strengthen my argument further it would be appreciated.
sinse I have to copy and paste it the sentences are going to look weird.. please disregard.

Our life is relative.
In theology this is a problem, because there is an exponential number
of different theory on which to ponder. We as human beings are shaped
by our experience in life, and I believe to be intelligent one must
view the world objectively. The problem in theology is objective thinking
leads to only one conclusion: the immaterial is and always will be seperate
from our material world(unless science or by some other chance of fate we discover
what is beyond the material in regards to theology). This problem is evident if one were to read
christian theology that dates back 2000 years. The question is how can anyone
know what is more right in our relative world. Knowledge is power? Sure it is
as long as your knowledge can be proven as is one of the laws to define something
as true knowledge. Logic tells us that there is a chance of an afterlife that involves
god or whatever you might believe in your theology. What logic does not identify is
what that afterlife may possess for us. This to some may be unacceptable and begs the
question "what is the point of searching for truth" as Is expected. To search for a truth
in this relative world seems like a fairly daunting task and it is my believe that the first
step is "knowing" that you know nothing at all. A basis for your knowledge to start. By recognising
varying viewpoints it is possible for one to familiarise him/herself with different theologys. Sense
the world is relative to individual experiences that make up as said before an exponential number of
world views or theorys the objective mind cannot logically deduce what is actual truth. You can however
logically choose what makes the most sense to you, but this too is relative.
 

3lefts

Well-known member
#2
You spelt persuasive correctly. A after U.


Ohk ohk, I'm relatively <(hah, get it?) tired.
Never-mind. really not top-notch thinking right now ;)
However I read it. I started to pay mind better when it came to about the 3rd sentence? one must view the world objectively I like the idea of objectivity.
The thing is, reading it, you said it is persuasive. But what are you persuading? That everything is relative? First off the bat, regardless of what you are saying, it lacks persuasion! It needs a stronger ending and a stronger hook. Give it some passion, some cause. Something.
the writing makes it seem like even you are not convinced.
This problem is evident if one were to read christian theology that dates back 2000 years. The question is how can anyone know what is more right in our relative world. Knowledge is power?"
You went from Christianity to believing in right and wrong and knowledge being power. The connection is there but not tied together well enough.
The problem in theology is objective thinking
leads to only one conclusion: the immaterial is and always will be seperate
from our material world

Is it really? Describe immaterial? Such as belief and where is this about life after death coming into play? Everything needs to be focused. It doesn't feel focused on a point, the end seems to have a bit of one though.
You are thinking of everything, which is good. Thinking of all the options, but if you want it placed in writing it has to be tied together and smooth.

So what I got. It doesn't matter even if one is objective because everything is relative no matter what? This isn't new to me, but you have me interested about immaterial and material.
Forgive me, these are only my opinions. It's got me thinking when I thought I didn't have the energy to do so.
 

Confuseddd

Well-known member
#3
You spelt persuasive correctly. A after U.


Ohk ohk, I'm relatively <(hah, get it?) tired.
Never-mind. really not top-notch thinking right now ;)
However I read it. I started to pay mind better when it came to about the 3rd sentence? one must view the world objectively I like the idea of objectivity..
ok phew, thanks A after U. I will remember that :) yes viewing worldly experience objectively rather then with a biased or subjective mind I believe would be more accurate when interpreting your own reality.
Oh and I got it lol !
The thing is, reading it, you said it is persuasive. But what are you persuading? That everything is relative? First off the bat, regardless of what you are saying, it lacks persuasion! It needs a stronger ending and a stronger hook. Give it some passion, some cause. Something.
the writing makes it seem like even you are not convinced.
Okay so reading it over I see where you are coming from. I fail to exemplify any of my points using facts... Woops lol :)
This problem is evident if one were to read christian theology that dates back 2000 years. The question is how can anyone know what is more right in our relative world. Knowledge is power?"
You went from Christianity to believing in right and wrong and knowledge being power. The connection is there but not tied together well enough...
The main topic, (which again i failed to mention because my target audience will already know but I should not expect the audience here to know) is religion versus material logic for example material(tangible) knowledge: knowledge proven by fact and immaterial(intangible) knowledge: Is The theory of god. The question this presents is how can one be sure what immaterial theory is more accurate then another. I used christianity because in theology the bible is as immaterial as a theory can really get, yet many people are christian.
The problem in theology is objective thinking
leads to only one conclusion: the immaterial is and always will be seperate
from our material world

Is it really? Describe immaterial? Such as belief and where is this about life after death coming into play? Everything needs to be focused. It doesn't feel focused on a point, the end seems to have a bit of one though.
You are thinking of everything, which is good. Thinking of all the options, but if you want it placed in writing it has to be tied together and smooth....
Mhm again I forgot to back up what I said with any sort of factual information or definitive knowledge... woops heh
The focus was intended to be religion. Im trying to write an argument showing that religion is immaterial therefore that knowledge is unattainable in our world. I use relativity to try and explain why there is different theorys on religion in our world. The conclusion I wanted my audience to come to is that sense we live in a relative world of course peoples theology of the immaterial(I bet that word sounds redundent by now:p) is likewise going to be relative. (Maybe I should add examples of differing religions around the world and point out the different relative opinions they all have?)

So what I got. It doesn't matter even if one is objective because everything is relative no matter what? This isn't new to me, but you have me interested about immaterial and material.
Forgive me, these are only my opinions. It's got me thinking when I thought I didn't have the energy to do so.
I really appreciate the response and it's definitly got me thinking of how I can strengthen my argument. I probably would have sounded stupid because I had not thought of any examples that could help my case! Sorry about not making the topic too clear, I probably should have done that too. I guess im not thinking too well either right now.
 
#4
A reason why I have little friends. We live in our own worlds, see life a certain way, and want another person to come play with us in our world.
Not an easy thing to find, especially for one who can't even speak to let others have an idea to build on.
Enjoyed it.

"The only thing I know is I know nothing at all."
-Socrates
 

scoobycrawler

Well-known member
#5
I think you need a thesis explaining from the beginning that you are writing a persuasive.
I think you need to be very clear and direct about what you are trying to persuade your reader to think because of something like maybe you want the reader to think that there are too many beliefs and because of that it is important to believe one thing, or that there are too many beliefs so it is important to understand that one must be ambiguous in their beliefs because there is no thing that is exactly and with all precision the truth.
Seriously make strong thesis then the rest will fall into place. Thesis should be your strongest point of persuasion.
 

Kiwong

Well-known member
#6
(I posted this in off topic forum but i recieved little to no traffick and i really could use some constructive critism and help)

Hi, I am currently writing up a persuasive <-- (is that spelled wrong)
essay on the topic of theology. Im attempting to make an argument for our world being relative and for immaterial "knowledge" to be unattainable. It does not have to be overly long although I would like for it to be as persuasive <---(again, is this correct? lol) as possible. If any of you could read it over and find some holes that I may have missed or maybe strengthen my argument further it would be appreciated.
sinse I have to copy and paste it the sentences are going to look weird.. please disregard.

Our life is relative.
In theology this is a problem, because there is an exponential number
of different theory on which to ponder. We as human beings are shaped
by our experience in life, and I believe to be intelligent one must
view the world objectively. The problem in theology is objective thinking
leads to only one conclusion: the immaterial is and always will be seperate
from our material world(unless science or by some other chance of fate we discover
what is beyond the material in regards to theology). This problem is evident if one were to read
christian theology that dates back 2000 years. The question is how can anyone
know what is more right in our relative world. Knowledge is power? Sure it is
as long as your knowledge can be proven as is one of the laws to define something
as true knowledge. Logic tells us that there is a chance of an afterlife that involves
god or whatever you might believe in your theology. What logic does not identify is
what that afterlife may possess for us. This to some may be unacceptable and begs the
question "what is the point of searching for truth" as Is expected. To search for a truth
in this relative world seems like a fairly daunting task and it is my believe that the first
step is "knowing" that you know nothing at all. A basis for your knowledge to start. By recognising
varying viewpoints it is possible for one to familiarise him/herself with different theologys. Sense
the world is relative to individual experiences that make up as said before an exponential number of
world views or theorys the objective mind cannot logically deduce what is actual truth. You can however
logically choose what makes the most sense to you, but this too is relative.
We as human beings are shaped by our experience in life. shaped by our life experience.

theorys=theories
theologys=theologies

christian theology that dates back 2000 years. Christian.

different theory on which to ponder. Theories?

and it is my believe that the first. Belief.

Sense
the world is relative to individual experiences that make up as said before an exponential number of
world views or theorys the objective mind cannot logically deduce what is actual truth.

This sentence could do with restructuring. It doesn't make much sense to me.

For an essay this is rather short, more of an abstract than a complete essay. Some of the wording seemed a little bit awkward to me, and more drafts of this are required.
 

Confuseddd

Well-known member
#7
I think you need a thesis explaining from the beginning that you are writing a persuasive.
I think you need to be very clear and direct about what you are trying to persuade your reader to think because of something like maybe you want the reader to think that there are too many beliefs and because of that it is important to believe one thing, or that there are too many beliefs so it is important to understand that one must be ambiguous in their beliefs because there is no thing that is exactly and with all precision the truth.
Seriously make strong thesis then the rest will fall into place. Thesis should be your strongest point of persuasion.
Mhm I have been tirelessly working on making revisions as I see them :)
this is good anything and everything people have to offer me is appreciated.
A thesis would help make my topic resonate more through out the writing.
Thanks man!




We as human beings are shaped by our experience in life. shaped by our life experience.

theorys=theories
theologys=theologies

christian theology that dates back 2000 years. Christian.

different theory on which to ponder. Theories?

and it is my believe that the first. Belief.

Sense
the world is relative to individual experiences that make up as said before an exponential number of
world views or theorys the objective mind cannot logically deduce what is actual truth.

This sentence could do with restructuring. It doesn't make much sense to me.

For an essay this is rather short, more of an abstract than a complete essay. Some of the wording seemed a little bit awkward to me, and more drafts of this are required.
thank you as well, spelling and grammar is not a strength I have unfortunately..
Yeah this is more of a free writing then anything I suppose.
 

3lefts

Well-known member
#8
I really appreciate the response and it's definitly got me thinking of how I can strengthen my argument. I probably would have sounded stupid because I had not thought of any examples that could help my case! Sorry about not making the topic too clear, I probably should have done that too. I guess im not thinking too well either right now.
I have to think more before I can properly continue, but I had to, absolutely had to say as of now, you would never sound stupid to me. I like your ideas, and understanding it, I very much agree.
You are a very capable thinker with much potential ;)
 

Confuseddd

Well-known member
#9
I have to think more before I can properly continue, but I had to, absolutely had to say as of now, you would never sound stupid to me. I like your ideas, and understanding it, I very much agree.
You are a very capable thinker with much potential ;)
wow really? thank you so much :)
I need some confidence in my writing because I am going against the grain here with what the people im trying to persuade think.
Do you really agree?!? Im so worried I left this giant hole in my argument and when I go to present it im going to get shut down.
 

3lefts

Well-known member
#10
wow really? thank you so much :)
I need some confidence in my writing because I am going against the grain here with what the people im trying to persuade think.
Do you really agree?!? Im so worried I left this giant hole in my argument and when I go to present it im going to get shut down.
Oh I certainly agree.
However, if you're going against the grain here, I'm easy, because it already goes with everything I think..
Definitely be confident, build on the point, think persuasion while you are writing it, what helps me is listening to motivating music, always used to when writing essays.
Look this up on youtube: or something like it, either way, (whatever works for you): E.S. Posthumus - Pompeii
 
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StandingJelly

Well-known member
#11
As a reader, I found it interesting, and I do believe it.

The advises above would enhance it, especially being more direct + to the point. Maybe the relationship between "life is relative" and the topic theology should be made clearer. From experience, once you get the thesis clearer and understand it yourself, the rest will flow easier.

Its an essay right? So it would be much more reader friendly if you can split every supporting point you got into seperate paragraphs. So we can read what evidence you support the points with. This way each point gets strengthened and ultimately your argument as a whole which can also be enhanced with introduction and conclusion :eek:

I couldn't seem to get at what your argument is. Is it:?
-In theology, life is still relative.
-Life is relative is a problem in theology

Hope to be able to read the final version :)

My advise may be wrong and my English maybe less than you, so don't take it for granted :p
 
#12
(I posted this in off topic forum but i recieved little to no traffick and i really could use some constructive critism and help)

Hi, I am currently writing up a persuasive <-- (is that spelled wrong)
essay on the topic of theology. Im attempting to make an argument for our world being relative and for immaterial "knowledge" to be unattainable. It does not have to be overly long although I would like for it to be as persuasive <---(again, is this correct? lol) as possible. If any of you could read it over and find some holes that I may have missed or maybe strengthen my argument further it would be appreciated.
sinse I have to copy and paste it the sentences are going to look weird.. please disregard.

Our life is relative.
In theology this is a problem, because there is an exponential number
of different theory on which to ponder. We as human beings are shaped
by our experience in life, and I believe to be intelligent one must
view the world objectively. The problem in theology is objective thinking
leads to only one conclusion: the immaterial is and always will be seperate
from our material world(unless science or by some other chance of fate we discover
what is beyond the material in regards to theology). This problem is evident if one were to read
christian theology that dates back 2000 years. The question is how can anyone
know what is more right in our relative world. Knowledge is power? Sure it is
as long as your knowledge can be proven as is one of the laws to define something
as true knowledge. Logic tells us that there is a chance of an afterlife that involves
god or whatever you might believe in your theology. What logic does not identify is
what that afterlife may possess for us. This to some may be unacceptable and begs the
question "what is the point of searching for truth" as Is expected. To search for a truth
in this relative world seems like a fairly daunting task and it is my believe that the first
step is "knowing" that you know nothing at all. A basis for your knowledge to start. By recognising
varying viewpoints it is possible for one to familiarise him/herself with different theologys. Sense
the world is relative to individual experiences that make up as said before an exponential number of
world views or theorys the objective mind cannot logically deduce what is actual truth. You can however
logically choose what makes the most sense to you, but this too is relative.
Not bad. Like other people said, you need to make connections with you statements, and not just state them. And I would recommend explaining your statements a little more. Your audience may have background knowledge but that doesn't mean they can read your mind, or have the strain of thinking as you do on the subject (examples are always very good). I also think it would be a good idea to consider how someone who thinks life is objective and/or immaterial knowledge is possible would respond and make sure to address it in your writing. There are 2 ways to support a point in philosophy; identify the strong points of you arguments, and point out the errors in the opposing view.

Oh, and if I were you I wouldn't say "or whatever." Makes the reader think it's informal and something you just threw together, and may not take you very seriously.
 
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Confuseddd

Well-known member
#13
As a reader, I found it interesting, and I do believe it.

The advises above would enhance it, especially being more direct + to the point. Maybe the relationship between "life is relative" and the topic theology should be made clearer. From experience, once you get the thesis clearer and understand it yourself, the rest will flow easier.

Its an essay right? So it would be much more reader friendly if you can split every supporting point you got into seperate paragraphs. So we can read what evidence you support the points with. This way each point gets strengthened and ultimately your argument as a whole which can also be enhanced with introduction and conclusion :eek:

I couldn't seem to get at what your argument is. Is it:?
-In theology, life is still relative.
-Life is relative is a problem in theology

Hope to be able to read the final version :)

My advise may be wrong and my English maybe less than you, so don't take it for granted :p
Thanks man yeah, that seems to be a general consensus here that I need to make my points connect clearer and exemplify everything that I am saying!
Sure I will post the final copy when it is done!

Not bad. Like other people said, you need to make connections with you statements, and not just state them. And I would recommend explaining your statements a little more. Your audience may have background knowledge but that doesn't mean they can read your mind, or have the strain of thinking as you do on the subject (examples are always very good). I also think it would be a good idea to consider how someone who thinks life is objective and/or immaterial knowledge is possible would respond and make sure to address it in your writing. There are 2 ways to support a point in philosophy; identify the strong points of you arguments, and point out the errors in the opposing view.

Oh, and if I were you I wouldn't say "or whatever." Makes the reader think it's informal and something you just threw together, and may not take you very seriously.
yeah it seems I got carried away with all my thoughts that I had I forgot to support everything I said :/ yeah thats what i've been trying to do, is think like my opponents... To think about any possible argument they would have and then make counters for it. I believe I did that but im still worried I over looked something. I have another day or two so by then I should have a copy I am happy with! Thanks for the help man. (I changed the "or whatever" part , lol it did sound pretty informal.)
 
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