I believe it's enough

[MsWho]

It's been two years and a couple of months since the last time I stepped beyond my garden. I haven't gone out since the day I finished high school, and every time someone passes in front of my house I hide so there is no possible way I can be seen from outside.
I'm all but happy about this. This isn't who I am. I've always had some anxiety inside me, sure, but nothing like this. I used to be known by everyone and they wanted me involved in their conversations, but now my neighbors think I left the country or something of the kind. ''And how is MsWho?'' they ask my mother. ''Ah! She's fine, doing great. Thanks for asking''. It can't be good having such a loser for a daughter. I don't answer the phone nor I go see who the heck is ringing the bell. The bathroom becomes my hiding cave when someone comes visit, and I usually take a book or a jigsaw puzzle with me because I know I'll be there for an hour or two.
Living in a third world country where there are no good professional psychiatrists and everybody speaks really (REALLY) bad spanish reducing the possibility for me to be properly understood when trying to explain each one of my demons, does not help much.
I've had Dengue, a sprained ankle, serious asthma attacks and food poisoning, and none of those would make me go out, not even to see a doctor. I'm surprised i'm still alive (and stupid, apparently).:kickingmyself:

Here's the thing:

I'm tired.
I'm barely 19 and I can't work from home forever. That would drive me nuts (even more nuts), I don't wanna work as a translator for the rest of my life. Being inactive for so long makes me feel sick. My body's craving sun and lots of exercise. I want to go out. I want to study and learn more languages. I want to write and I want to meet the person that'll teach me how to do it properly. Back in high school I had so many plans for my life. I was going to be great if not mighty. Back then I wanted to become the best version of myself there was to be, but now I'm housebound and earning money with the bit of english I know.

Leaving this problem behind me is something I MUST do. I don't recognise the girl I see in the mirror. All I wish to do is slap her the hardest I can. The hatred I feel precludes me from sleeping. I wasn't able to have a peaceful childhood and it's clear I'm not the most sane teenager. My adulthood can't be this f**ked up too. :no:

NO MEDS, NO BABY STEPS. I'm doing this at once and I need advice from people who overcame their problems by building up confidence. I want to learn how to shake off panic when it holds tight to my mind.

Please, anyone?

 

[DeadmanWalking]

While I personally wouldn't recommend doing everything at once, if you really want to, then the only advice I can give is to just do it. Look for some jobs that require you to go out and apply for them. Go out for walks to get you used to being outside. When someone comes over, go out instead of hiding.

Use those emotions and regrets you have as fuel to push you forward when you feel that you can't. Ask your mom if she can help you through this and to support you. And don't overload yourself. Don't try to take on so many of the problems and don't wear yourself out. Take breaks if you need to. As you overcome your difficulties, you'll gain the confidence to take on the others and it'll build upon itself.

Other than that, all I can say is "Good luck" and welcome to the forum.

 

[blue_eyes]

Your post reminds me a lot of myself.
I didn't leave the house for almost 3 years, only now am i starting to go out more. It's odd, one day i just suddenly woke up and thought to myself "I'M GOING TO GO OUT TODAY" and i did. My mum was shocked. I still have really bad anxiety when i go out but I keep forcing myself to go out and each time it's getting easier. I started off going for dog walks in the forest (which was really easy because i didn't see anyone in the forest) & slowly i've been going other places too, like shopping. (shopping is the hardest for me). When i'm out and feeling anxious, i look at the floor/block out everyone around me and only acknowledge the person i'm out with, which is usually my mum and/or sister. (i find it impossible to go out alone atm)
I used to think that there's no way i'll start going out & i'll end up a hermit for the rest of my life & i'd just die alone.
but now my future is starting to look a bit better & hopefully, yours will too.
My advice would be, go for it. Just force yourself to go out & you could end up finding it so much more easier than you thought you would. I'd suggest going somewhere that isn't busy first of all (you don't want to rush into going somewhere busy because it could end up a negative/anxious experience) but then work towards going out to places where more people are around.
Hope this helps. Good luck MsWho

 

[MikeyC]

Welcome to the forum, MsWho.

I don't have agoraphobia, but I'm glad you are at this point: so fed up with who you are that not changing is not an option. You have dreams, you have plans, so it's possible to pursue them.

From your post, you don't know "a little English" - you seem to be quite fluent with it.

Good luck with everything. If you have the drive, you can overcome your agoraphobia.

 

[jaim38]

I have agoraphobia too, haven't been out much ever since I moved back home. I also try to avoid my neighbors as much as possible because I know many don't like my family especially my mom. I don't want to get involved in any quarrels or whatver. Plus it's embarassing if they ask about my family and I have to lie that my family's doing well and all. I don't want to talk about myself either, especially if people ask me if I have a job and how old I am (embarassing!)

I also don't recommend doing everything at once because a single failure can bring you back to square one, if you are very easily disillusioned. Take it step by step. If your family goes shopping once a week, try to go with them. Go out once a week, then twice a week, and work up from that.

 

[THeCARS1979]

It's been two years and a couple of months since the last time I stepped beyond my garden. I haven't gone out since the day I finished high school, and every time someone passes in front of my house I hide so there is no possible way I can be seen from outside.
I'm all but happy about this. This isn't who I am. I've always had some anxiety inside me, sure, but nothing like this. I used to be known by everyone and they wanted me involved in their conversations, but now my neighbors think I left the country or something of the kind. ''And how is MsWho?'' they ask my mother. ''Ah! She's fine, doing great. Thanks for asking''. It can't be good having such a loser for a daughter. I don't answer the phone nor I go see who the heck is ringing the bell. The bathroom becomes my hiding cave when someone comes visit, and I usually take a book or a jigsaw puzzle with me because I know I'll be there for an hour or two.
Living in a third world country where there are no good professional psychiatrists and everybody speaks really (REALLY) bad spanish reducing the possibility for me to be properly understood when trying to explain each one of my demons, does not help much.
I've had Dengue, a sprained ankle, serious asthma attacks and food poisoning, and none of those would make me go out, not even to see a doctor. I'm surprised i'm still alive (and stupid, apparently).:kickingmyself:

Here's the thing:

I'm tired.
I'm barely 19 and I can't work from home forever. That would drive me nuts (even more nuts), I don't wanna work as a translator for the rest of my life. Being inactive for so long makes me feel sick. My body's craving sun and lots of exercise. I want to go out. I want to study and learn more languages. I want to write and I want to meet the person that'll teach me how to do it properly. Back in high school I had so many plans for my life. I was going to be great if not mighty. Back then I wanted to become the best version of myself there was to be, but now I'm housebound and earning money with the bit of english I know.

Leaving this problem behind me is something I MUST do. I don't recognise the girl I see in the mirror. All I wish to do is slap her the hardest I can. The hatred I feel precludes me from sleeping. I wasn't able to have a peaceful childhood and it's clear I'm not the most sane teenager. My adulthood can't be this f**ked up too. :no:

NO MEDS, NO BABY STEPS. I'm doing this at once and I need advice from people who overcame their problems by building up confidence. I want to learn how to shake off panic when it holds tight to my mind.

Please, anyone?

hey , you can do it, just start by going to the store and even if you dont stay to long . Its better then nothing. Even going for a small walk is good

 

[Flanscho]

My SA was worst in my late teens and early twenties. I realized that I especially had to get away from my parents flat, since it's just too easy to stay at home if people care for you there. So I then moved out, 400km away into a large city (the larger the better, since it's easier to find people there with whom you have something in common), and shared there a flat with three people who seemed nice (since I assumed that this would be the fastest way to make friends, and it's also the cheapest way to get a place to live).

It worked.