I am losing hope...

catrin87

Member
Hi everyone. I'm new here but I'm hoping that maybe I can share a bit of my story and that maybe in doing so I will feel a little bit less lost and alone.

Basically, I have somehow allowed my SA to infiltrate and destroy every single part of my life now and I feel like it has gone so far that I am never going to recover, or feel even remotely 'normal' ever again.

I have always been quite a shy person, well actually just more of an introvert really. I would feel quite comfortable around people but I was just more of a 'background' type than someone who requires a lot of attention - which was perfectly fine. But somehow, particularly in the last 3/4 years, I have become so socially phobic and anxious and depressed that I, quite literally, do not know who I am anymore. I feel like I have about 7 different personalities depending on who I am with or what I am doing - which is a truly horrible way to live.

I am a university student, in my final year (I honestly do not know how I made it this far) doing a degree in Art. I have not attended a single one of my seminars since the first semester of my first year, so that was about 2 years ago. I never attend any of the workshops, and if I do go into the studio I choose the quietest times to go in, keep my head down, and then leave as quickly as possible. This has meant that the majority of people on my course don't know me or recognise me, and has led to some extremely awkward encounters when people who have been on the same course as me for nearly 3 years come over and ask me 'Oh are you new? when did you start?' etc, which in turn only makes me feel worse! I don't think the tutors even know who I am, or if they do they have given up trying to chase me to come to the seminars etc. Obviously this has meant that I have done really badly on my degree so far, and I highly doubt that I will graduate with anything more than a 3rd. I would have left the course ages ago but I can't face disappointing my parents and friends.

Which leads me to my next point - not even my closest friends, or my parents, have a clue that I have been suffering this excruciating social phobia. My parents know that I've had 'ups and downs' and they have been with me when I have had panic attacks in restaurants etc but they think it is just from the usual stresses, and in fact my mum almost won't accept that I could suffer from anxiety and depression. I think she sees it as a weakness and that maybe I just need to 'man up' a bit. If only it were that easy. And my friends know that I have always been the quiet one but they don't have any idea of the extent of what I am going through. So I have to lie and tell everyone that Uni is going fine, even though it really isn't. So the loneliness that I end up feeling is indescribable - I have lost sight of myself and in turn am pushing away those closest to me. I have been seeing a counsellor at Uni but I even struggle to tell her about my social phobia. I feel like its a pathetic thing to suffer from, and that I am weak and that I am just 'giving in' to the condition. But, and I'm sure many of you can empathise with this - it is nothing like that. It absolutely swamps me in misery.

What I really don't understand is that it seems inconsistent. I have days where I struggle to leave the house even just to go to the corner shop. In fact I have days where even getting out of bed can prove difficult. I have become mentally addicted to my beta blockers and I can't even think about going out without taking them for fear of having a panic attack. That is one of the worst aspects for me - I have always been against taking medication and drugs unless it is something very serious but now I have found myself relying on my propranalol so much so that I worry that one day the doctor will stop prescribing them to me and I will have to try and cope without them. Anyway as I was saying, I have terrible days where I can't get out of bed but then I seem to have almost OK days where I seem to have a little boost of confidence (albeit still needing to take my pills). And there are certain people I can talk to quite confidently but then others who I can't even look at, and there seems to be no rhyme or reason to this whatsoever.

I lost a boyfriend to this condition - he couldn't understand how it was for me and thought I was just being pathetic. And his parents started to think I was weird because I would be so nervous when they spoke to me and I would always avoid having to go out for dinner with them etc, which also played a part in us breaking up. Other men have come and gone because they meet me when I am drunk at a party or something and then when we go on a second date I don't have the alcohol confidence and am back to my usual awkward quiet self and that puts them right off. I have lost jobs, I am losing some good friends and I am probably about to fail Uni because of it too. I just don't know where I can turn next! I am having counselling, I had CBT a year ago which didn't help, I am taking beta blockers, but my condition is only getting worse. I drink far too much, I take drugs, I go on 3 day benders as a way of escaping - which obviously only eventually leads to further depression and desperation.

I guess what I wanted to do was to reach out to you other sufferers so I can feel a little bit less alone. If any of you have any advice or help you can offer me, I would be so grateful. Whether it is coping techniques/ forms of therapy/ natural remedies/ anything at all, please let me know. Or even better if anyone is recovering or has recovered from this debilitating condition, I would love to hear your stories. Thank you for listening xx
 

ImNotMyIllness

Well-known member
Welcome to the forum! This is a great place to learn about yourself. I enjoy reading what others have to say, it gives me more insight into my own condition.
 

ImNotMyIllness

Well-known member
I understand what you're saying about it being inconsistent. I also talk to some more easily than others. There are some days when I feel confident and out going and then it's like someone switches the light off and I'm unable to give anyone eye contact.
My social anxiety all depends on my mental state which seems to have it's own ideas. There really isn't a rhyme or reason.

*I'm not on any medication.
 

neardeath

Well-known member
Welcome. I am new, too. Could relate to at least half of what you said. Looking for solutions here in my own way and feeling rather deflated by it all. Best wishes will be seeing you around.
 

catrin87

Member
Thanks everyone for your replies. Obviously I wish none of us had to suffer in this way but it does help knowing that I'm not entirely alone (because that really is how it feels sometimes!) so thanks for introducing yourselves. much love xx
 

JakeDennert

Member
Hi everyone. I'm new here but I'm hoping that maybe I can share a bit of my story and that maybe in doing so I will feel a little bit less lost and alone.

Basically, I have somehow allowed my SA to infiltrate and destroy every single part of my life now and I feel like it has gone so far that I am never going to recover, or feel even remotely 'normal' ever again.

I have always been quite a shy person, well actually just more of an introvert really. I would feel quite comfortable around people but I was just more of a 'background' type than someone who requires a lot of attention - which was perfectly fine. But somehow, particularly in the last 3/4 years, I have become so socially phobic and anxious and depressed that I, quite literally, do not know who I am anymore. I feel like I have about 7 different personalities depending on who I am with or what I am doing - which is a truly horrible way to live.

I am a university student, in my final year (I honestly do not know how I made it this far) doing a degree in Art. I have not attended a single one of my seminars since the first semester of my first year, so that was about 2 years ago. I never attend any of the workshops, and if I do go into the studio I choose the quietest times to go in, keep my head down, and then leave as quickly as possible. This has meant that the majority of people on my course don't know me or recognise me, and has led to some extremely awkward encounters when people who have been on the same course as me for nearly 3 years come over and ask me 'Oh are you new? when did you start?' etc, which in turn only makes me feel worse! I don't think the tutors even know who I am, or if they do they have given up trying to chase me to come to the seminars etc. Obviously this has meant that I have done really badly on my degree so far, and I highly doubt that I will graduate with anything more than a 3rd. I would have left the course ages ago but I can't face disappointing my parents and friends.

Which leads me to my next point - not even my closest friends, or my parents, have a clue that I have been suffering this excruciating social phobia. My parents know that I've had 'ups and downs' and they have been with me when I have had panic attacks in restaurants etc but they think it is just from the usual stresses, and in fact my mum almost won't accept that I could suffer from anxiety and depression. I think she sees it as a weakness and that maybe I just need to 'man up' a bit. If only it were that easy. And my friends know that I have always been the quiet one but they don't have any idea of the extent of what I am going through. So I have to lie and tell everyone that Uni is going fine, even though it really isn't. So the loneliness that I end up feeling is indescribable - I have lost sight of myself and in turn am pushing away those closest to me. I have been seeing a counsellor at Uni but I even struggle to tell her about my social phobia. I feel like its a pathetic thing to suffer from, and that I am weak and that I am just 'giving in' to the condition. But, and I'm sure many of you can empathise with this - it is nothing like that. It absolutely swamps me in misery.

What I really don't understand is that it seems inconsistent. I have days where I struggle to leave the house even just to go to the corner shop. In fact I have days where even getting out of bed can prove difficult. I have become mentally addicted to my beta blockers and I can't even think about going out without taking them for fear of having a panic attack. That is one of the worst aspects for me - I have always been against taking medication and drugs unless it is something very serious but now I have found myself relying on my propranalol so much so that I worry that one day the doctor will stop prescribing them to me and I will have to try and cope without them. Anyway as I was saying, I have terrible days where I can't get out of bed but then I seem to have almost OK days where I seem to have a little boost of confidence (albeit still needing to take my pills). And there are certain people I can talk to quite confidently but then others who I can't even look at, and there seems to be no rhyme or reason to this whatsoever.

I lost a boyfriend to this condition - he couldn't understand how it was for me and thought I was just being pathetic. And his parents started to think I was weird because I would be so nervous when they spoke to me and I would always avoid having to go out for dinner with them etc, which also played a part in us breaking up. Other men have come and gone because they meet me when I am drunk at a party or something and then when we go on a second date I don't have the alcohol confidence and am back to my usual awkward quiet self and that puts them right off. I have lost jobs, I am losing some good friends and I am probably about to fail Uni because of it too. I just don't know where I can turn next! I am having counselling, I had CBT a year ago which didn't help, I am taking beta blockers, but my condition is only getting worse. I drink far too much, I take drugs, I go on 3 day benders as a way of escaping - which obviously only eventually leads to further depression and desperation.

I guess what I wanted to do was to reach out to you other sufferers so I can feel a little bit less alone. If any of you have any advice or help you can offer me, I would be so grateful. Whether it is coping techniques/ forms of therapy/ natural remedies/ anything at all, please let me know. Or even better if anyone is recovering or has recovered from this debilitating condition, I would love to hear your stories. Thank you for listening xx

catrin87,

First, thank you for taking the time to share so much of your own story. It takes a lot of courage to reach out the way you have, even virtually. And I applaud you for doing so. :applause:

I'm also new to this place, and I can personally relate to a lot of what you've posted. I didn't get into nearly as much detail when I introduced myself here and shared my story, but you can read my brief intro here if you'd like:

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/new-to-the-forum-but-definitely-not-new-to-social-anxiety-49459/

Alright then, let's see if I can help you...

You say that you've allowed your SA to "infiltrate and destroy every single part of your life"... and that you're "never going to recover, or feel even remotely 'normal' ever again."

Yes, you are going to recover. Yes, you will reach a point where you can feel 'normal'. But it won't happen overnight, and it won't happen without you doing anything to change it.

The first statement of yours I've highlighted (that you've allowed your SA to infiltrate and destroy)... makes me smile when I read it.

Why?

Because you're already admitting that you're in control of this. You've "allowed" it to happen.

The other statement, however... about how you think you'll never overcome this... worries me.

Why do you feel that way?

The best piece of advice I can give you is that your eventual recovery ultimately begins in your mind -- with the thoughts that you have on a daily basis. You know that voice in your head?

The voice that never seems to shut up, tells you you're not good enough, blah blah blah... the same voice that's probably telling you that you can't recover... tell that voice to shut the heck up.

Does your mind control you, or do you control your mind?

You control your mind.

That's the first thing I did when I began my recovery process -- I got control over the space between my ears. Silenced the voice inside of me that always seemed to look at things from a negative point of view.

And to get total control over my thoughts, my mind... I had to remove alcohol from my life. I used it as a crutch for SO long... and it was, pardon my language, a real bitch to let go of.

Then, over the course of becoming sober, I was at one time taking 4 different prescription medications. One for anxiety, two for depression, one for sleep.

So I'd conquered the alcohol monster, but now I had pills that I depended on to try and feel normal.

Waking up one day and realizing that I really hadn't accomplished much -- that I was still relying on an outside substance to feel stable and balanced, mentally... I reached down deep and found the courage to leave THOSE behind.

And that proved even more difficult than my initial battle with booze.

Start reprogramming yourself from the inside out. Start right now. Tell yourself, in your own mind, that you CAN do this. You're reading a message right now from somebody who HAS done it... someone who is STILL fighting. I know what I'm talking about.

Pay attention to everything that happens in your head -- every thought that you have. Everything that we have in our lives, the way we act and react, is all a result of our most dominant thoughts.

When you feel yourself starting to get negative, or you have thoughts that don't support your goal of positivity, recovery, and learning to be comfortable with yourself... fight them! Know that they're just thoughts -- they have no power over you.

You're the boss.

It's simple, but it's not easy. It's going to feel like a struggle at times, but all you have to do is keep fighting, keep trying, and never lose hope.

Do what you have to do to get off alcohol, and to stop taking prescription medication for depression or anxiety. I quit both of them cold turkey... and I'm not going to sit here and recommend that you do the same, because doing so can be very dangerous, depending on the person and how physically dependent they are.

I just got so pissed off at myself that I stopped both of them, without backing down gradually... and I was very fortunate to not have anything bad happen, outside of withdrawal symptoms. I knew I was strong enough to face the world without them, and that it was all in my head.

Leaving the substances behind might scare the crap out of you right now, but take comfort in what I'm about to say next: after the physical withdrawal symptoms are over, it's just a mind game that you have to conquer one day at a time.

And with each passing day of NOT relying on anything to get by, you'll feel yourself getting stronger and stronger.

About your ex-boyfriend... I'm not going to badmouth him. I don't know him personally, and bashing him only serves to insult your choice in men.

I wish he was more mature, and more accepting of who you are as a person when you're not drinking or on drugs... but he's not. You don't need him to overcome this, though... and by the time you're feeling better about yourself and the progress you've made, what he used to think of you won't matter anymore.

But I feel for ya, though. I really do, because there was a time when my girlfriend was having a terrible time with MY problems. She had basically given up on me, but I refused to give up on myself.

Never lose hope.

You're not pathetic... you just don't know how strong you are yet.

I didn't plan on writing so much -- just poured out of me.

I wish you the best, catrin87.

Let me know if you need anything.

Jake D.
 

kc1296426

Active member
Do NOT give up hope -- you will be okay, please be honest with your counselor about everything you are feeling and really open up to the resources you have. It only helps yourself.

My prayers are with you, I know you will overcome this and be the strong woman you know you are. You are very strong right now as is.

You have the power to get better but it's starts with you, and getting help and really letting them help you and opening up and telling them everything that is going on with you is a great start. Don't be embarrassed and they are there to help you for a reason, Social Anxiety Disorder and Depression is one of the most treatable mental illnesses out there. They are designed to help you get better, that's why they are there :)

There are many free 24/7 hotlines in the UK to start. Like this one: C.A.L.L. Mental Health Helpline - Community Advice and Listening Line

You can talk to someone anytime of the day or night for free about anything. They care (I call 211 here in the United States in Florida, and they really care) and they can help you and give you advice and help set up a plan to get better. You can also talk to them if you feel lonely.

Remember that you have options. Don't feel hopeless, there is a ton of hope even though it doesn't seem clear right now. Getting a professional to help you would be a great start to understanding your problems and how to set up a plan where you can get better and overcome this.

You are stronger than you think you are, 100% guaranteed... trust me. You will get thru this. (I hit rock bottom with depression last summer and it shows how strong we can be if we really try. You got this, 100%. If you want to get better and try too reach out it will happen. Don't give up, things WILL get better... there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel)
 
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