MNM322
Well-known member
For many years of my life I have "quit" things I set out to do, wether out of fear or family making me feel bad. I have a 0 support system which makes things worse. I feel like its pointless to do anything when no one cares or thinks I can.
Right out of HS I went into therapy for bad depression/anxiety due to bullying. I was about 20 when I got out of that and got my first puppy. I got the dog to help me deal with things but also because I was ready to move on my own but didn't want to be "Alone". So I secretly applied to a school near Detriot for film studies and based on my screenplay sample, they accepted me. I remember crying when I read the letter and showing it to my family and no one said a word. My dad agreed to drive me out there to see the school and the area but was "not thrilled" with his daughter being alone in that part of town. He came home and told everyone how bad it was but I still wanted to go. A few nights before I was to move, my grandma, who I was really close to... called me and said "Hey I been having nightmares about you moving. I don't care what you do but don't call me at all if you live there. I don't want to hear from you" and this killed me. I called the school and declined.
A few years later, I tried a film school in NYC and even had grandma and my mom go with me to see it. They thought it was in a decent area but didn't think it was worth going to, because no one gets jobs like that but once again, my stubbornness wanted it anyway.... but then I spent 2 nights alone, while they stayed a bit away and I hated it. I hated the idea of being alone in a massive city where I didn't know anyone and got scared I'd make no friends. Again, I declined.
Then I changed gears and decided maybe film was a waste of time, I'll try music business. I got accepted into a school in Nashville. I love that city as does my family, everyone was finally happy. However, not long before term started, my cat died. I know thats lame but I just could not go, I started panicking about other people or pets dying while I was gone and the fear took over. I again, declined.
I gave up on "going" to school and went with a online program for dog training, which was nice and all but I have found with my SA, unless I am teaching someone one on one, I HATE doing it. I second guess my knowledge and everything with groups staring at me. I got a job offer this past spring at a local pet store for dog training, I did the training program for the job etc but when they put out to do my own class, I flipped out. I was sweating and saying "uh" alot. I hated every second of it and told the woman I could not do that job, and of course, everyone thinks I am a loser because I quit a job.
How do I stop quitting jobs/schools etc and start doing them? I mean my fear of flying is even so bad that if I don't have a ticket in my hand days before my flight, I'll call and cancel. I need to force myself to go on a plane.
I think this is why I can't keep friends either, I don't trust people and I am afraid of getting too close and losing them so somewher along the way, I probably intentionally ruin things. I am tired of this life. I am sooo bored and living with so much regret at 30.
I refuse to do meds and I don't have health insurance to talk to anyone so those are not options right now. Any advice?
Right out of HS I went into therapy for bad depression/anxiety due to bullying. I was about 20 when I got out of that and got my first puppy. I got the dog to help me deal with things but also because I was ready to move on my own but didn't want to be "Alone". So I secretly applied to a school near Detriot for film studies and based on my screenplay sample, they accepted me. I remember crying when I read the letter and showing it to my family and no one said a word. My dad agreed to drive me out there to see the school and the area but was "not thrilled" with his daughter being alone in that part of town. He came home and told everyone how bad it was but I still wanted to go. A few nights before I was to move, my grandma, who I was really close to... called me and said "Hey I been having nightmares about you moving. I don't care what you do but don't call me at all if you live there. I don't want to hear from you" and this killed me. I called the school and declined.
A few years later, I tried a film school in NYC and even had grandma and my mom go with me to see it. They thought it was in a decent area but didn't think it was worth going to, because no one gets jobs like that but once again, my stubbornness wanted it anyway.... but then I spent 2 nights alone, while they stayed a bit away and I hated it. I hated the idea of being alone in a massive city where I didn't know anyone and got scared I'd make no friends. Again, I declined.
Then I changed gears and decided maybe film was a waste of time, I'll try music business. I got accepted into a school in Nashville. I love that city as does my family, everyone was finally happy. However, not long before term started, my cat died. I know thats lame but I just could not go, I started panicking about other people or pets dying while I was gone and the fear took over. I again, declined.
I gave up on "going" to school and went with a online program for dog training, which was nice and all but I have found with my SA, unless I am teaching someone one on one, I HATE doing it. I second guess my knowledge and everything with groups staring at me. I got a job offer this past spring at a local pet store for dog training, I did the training program for the job etc but when they put out to do my own class, I flipped out. I was sweating and saying "uh" alot. I hated every second of it and told the woman I could not do that job, and of course, everyone thinks I am a loser because I quit a job.
How do I stop quitting jobs/schools etc and start doing them? I mean my fear of flying is even so bad that if I don't have a ticket in my hand days before my flight, I'll call and cancel. I need to force myself to go on a plane.
I think this is why I can't keep friends either, I don't trust people and I am afraid of getting too close and losing them so somewher along the way, I probably intentionally ruin things. I am tired of this life. I am sooo bored and living with so much regret at 30.
I refuse to do meds and I don't have health insurance to talk to anyone so those are not options right now. Any advice?