I actually want friends now..?

[TreeBones]

Hi everyone!

So I use to have a lot of friends before my social anxiety started getting worse then around the 7th and 8th grade I simply just stopped talking to them, moved away, and ignored everyone who has tried to contact me (not to be mean though, I think I came to a realization that my relationships were shallow and people are fickle) I'm a junior now and have gone about 3 years with no friends, maybe just 1, whom I rarely see, and up until just lately I was completely fine with it. I enjoyed the company of just myself and wasn't always like everyone else so I thought I couldn't fit in anywhere anyway, and that was okay with me, I thought I was free in some way. Just recently I started this alternative school (I don't talk to/avoid anybody/ everybody there, & I think they think I'm stuck up for that, I feel like a massive **** :/) But for some reason all of the sudden I want to have friends. I feel more lonely now and like I need human companionship or I will go crazy! I don't understand because I've never felt this way, I felt like I could go my whole life with no one but it's just not that way now. It's also embarrassing how everyone knows I don't talk to anyone I feel like I have a reputation for being a weird loser.... mg: ... does anyone have any suggestions? or can relate to any of this?
thanks for reading.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

People's opinion of you will change if you try to break out of your shell and say hi once in a while. I would try to befriend another shy person at school. It's natural to want human interaction.

 

[TreeBones]

yes, I suppose you're right, I just thought it would be a bit weird if I talked all of the sudden,
Thank you

 

[jaim38]

In high school, I could care less about having friends. Academics dominated my life. I thought that getting A's and satisfying authority figures was the way to move ahead. But when I got to college, I was bullied and my self esteem plummetted. That was when I first experienced the urge to have friends. After all, bullies don't target groups of people. Plus I discovered this thing called "networking" in which you try to get to know as many people as you can. Networking is supposed to help you find jobs and get promoted.

I don't "want" friends; I actually "need" them, sad to say. If I don't need people to survive, I wouldn't have any motivation to make friends. I feel like I'm using people to survive, but then again, other people are using each other too.

I would talk to the person next to you. Just say "hi" and talk about things you have in common. It's important to maintain a positive attitude. No one likes a debbie downer.

 

[Lamb]

Do you participate in classes? Extracurriculars?

It may help give people the idea you are not as shy/closed off as you've appeared. That may open up the possibility for conversation, and somebody approaching you. We all yearn for human companionship at times. I prefer to be alone yet inevitably, I always get to that point where I'm starving for social interaction. Learning to develop a balance is crucial.

 

[hardy]

I don't "want" friends; I actually "need" them, sad to say. If I don't need people to survive, I wouldn't have any motivation to make friends. I feel like I'm using people to survive, but then again, other people are using each other too.

I would talk to the person next to you. Just say "hi" and talk about things you have in common. It's important to maintain a positive attitude. No one likes a debbie downer.

That's the sad part...isn't it. We make friends when we need them. I talk to my parents sweetly suddenly when i need money. Don't you think there is some defect in us? Human beings were supposed to be social....i think it's a good time to see our priorities. What's more important ? getting grades or being a decent person?

I think this is a good time to learn to be nice even when the chips are down. But please don't become a people-pleaser like so many of us do when we need company.

Also trying too hard to befriend people has a negative impact. I am telling you the pitfalls that i went through. There are scavengers out there who will use your need to have friends(for money and what not)....you should observe these things. Don't do things in a hurry.

 

[jaim38]

That's the sad part...isn't it. We make friends when we need them. I talk to my parents sweetly suddenly when i need money. Don't you think there is some defect in us? Human beings were supposed to be social....i think it's a good time to see our priorities. What's more important ? getting grades or being a decent person?

Yes I feel bad every time I ask my parents for money. I do the whole acting sweet and polite thing. But in exchange I do housework like cooking and cleaning. It's no different from "sugar babies" doing sexual favors for "sugar daddies" in exchange for money.

Also trying too hard to befriend people has a negative impact. I am telling you the pitfalls that i went through. There are scavengers out there who will use your need to have friends(for money and what not)....you should observe these things. Don't do things in a hurry.

I agree. I don't want to come off as needy and desperate for people to take advantage of.

 

[Flanscho]

Well, what I always suggest is:

- pick a hobby you enjoy. Writing, playing board games, card games, cooking, ornithology, whatever, just anything.

Then find people you can do that with. Go to language courses, writing exchanges, board game evenings, cooking courses, and so on and so on.

There you will meet people with who you got something in common.

 

[TreeBones]

just want to say thank you everyone for all of your input, appreciate it

 

[Biev]

I went through this when I switched schools, too. Three times, actually : in elementary, high school and then college. I just didn't understand how to interact with groups. One thing that helped me was that once, in college, I got transferred to a group in which I already knew someone. I was relieved, thinking I'd cling to him be saved from the usual ordeal.

Then something unexpected happened : he got very upset with me for not behaving in a way that would enable me to be part of the group, saying that sticking by me was starting to get him in trouble. Then he actually spelled out what I was doing wrong. I didn't look at people when I entered the room, I didn't smile at people when our eyes crossed, and when people invited me to join into any activity (lunch at some crappy fast food place, for instance), I always turned it down. Either I failed to realize it was an invitation, or I thought it was insincere... or I simply chickened out at the thought of having to make conversation. When people complained that I didn't speak loudly enough, I clammed up instead of taking it as a sign that they actually wanted to hear what I had to say. Also, I involuntarily highlighted people's shortcomings by scanning the class for a reaction whenever someone did or said something I didn't approve of. I didn't even realize that I was doing it until he mentionned it. "We have had time to get to know each other and come to accept each other's flaws," he told me. The implication of that really stung. I'd never thought of myself as judgemental, but I was forced to admit I wasn't being very nice. I was too inwardly focused to be nice.

After this, I really made an effort to change my behavior and thanks to this, I was able to feel at ease with the group within a month or two -- something I hadn't been able to accomplish in five years at my previous school.

The way I see it, people with SA are always like the newcomer in the group. We have to work harder to make ourselves a spot. Now I work in an office, and every day when I come in, I make an effort to smile, say hello, and look at each person. Some people have noticed it and they make an effort to make me feel at ease, too. And when they invite me somewhere, I accept wholeheartedly. And it's a lot more fun that way : )

There are bound to be some nice people in your class and they will talk to you at some point. Concentrate on making the most out of those opportunities. Don't brush them off. That's the best advice I can give you. <3

 

[TreeBones]

There are bound to be some nice people in your class and they will talk to you at some point. Concentrate on making the most out of those opportunities. Don't brush them off. That's the best advice I can give you. <3

Thank you, I will :]