How to get an avoidant guy comfortable enough to talk to you (online)

[capybara]

Okay, I'm making this its own thread because I really need help.

Do you know how I can make a guy who I (like inTooShyShy's thread) know is attracted to me, but who is so scared he cannot even bring himself to talk to me anymore, comfortable enough to talk to me?

He is afraid of rejection/closeness I believe. He won't answer my messages encouraging him to talk to me, but he sometimes talks publicly to me on mutual friends' walls (yeah, FB) and talks 'obliquely' through other people, and he's not getting me out of his online world when I've also wrote to him saying he should block me on the sites we're on if he doesn't want me trying to contact him.

We only talk online, so I can't do any of the in-person things that might help.

Any move I make to try to get closer to him results in him getting very scared and shying away. But if I leave him alone to try to give him space and make him more comfortable again, I think he assumes I'm not interested and backs away.

We used to be able to talk much more easily but as things have progressed it gets worse and he just seems paralyzed now.

He's not just socially anxious, he's avoidant.

Any ideas? Thank you very much for reading.

 

[Diend]

That sounds pretty unusual. Are you sure he isnt just simply avoiding you? There are definitely a lot of different causes But one cause could be low self-esteem and The way to fix that is for him to look good and feel confident and intelligent

 

[mismeek]

Are you sure he likes you? I mean if you talked easily before.. things should be getting better, not worse. Maybe youve just been too.. invasive. Maybe you should just leave things as they are for awhile.

 

[Flanscho]

Well, maybe that sounds rough, but are you sure that he is really interested in you? Please don't get that wrong, but there are many reasons why someone might try to avoid somebody...

If he is interested in you, then you should spend time with him doing something he enjoys or is good in. Basically on his turf, the ground he is familiar on. And then move forward from that.

 

[Kiwong]

I think you should move on. Perhaps your approaches make him uncomfortable. You've made it very obvious you're interested over a considerable length of time. Perhaps you need to accept that this man is rejecting your interest. I think this is bordering on an obsession from you, and it is time to respect this man's decision to not want to reciprocate your interest, for whatever reasons.

 

[Benek]

There are many ways to check if he is attrected to you, for instance, when he tells a joke in a group of ppl he is just glancing on you ( and he wonders i made her lough or not - that is a question! ), but in general there are many ways to check it And... if he really likes you, than you know what to do, if you know what i mean but i would like to be you, last night i was on wedding and met beautiful girl she was gorgeous, but i was too nervous to be scintillate as i am ;D, but tomorrow i gonne meet her again and ll be continued, couse i have nothing to lose and everything to win now i fell in love so i am a little excited can’t eat can’t sleep but Whatever i wish you luck and intuition!

P.S that was my first message, Sylwester from Europe - Poland nice too meet you all sorry for grammar mistakes

 

[Quietguy11]

Okay, I'm making this its own thread because I really need help.

Do you know how I can make a guy who I (like inTooShyShy's thread) know is attracted to me, but who is so scared he cannot even bring himself to talk to me anymore, comfortable enough to talk to me?

He is afraid of rejection/closeness I believe. He won't answer my messages encouraging him to talk to me, but he sometimes talks publicly to me on mutual friends' walls (yeah, FB) and talks 'obliquely' through other people, and he's not getting me out of his online world when I've also wrote to him saying he should block me on the sites we're on if he doesn't want me trying to contact him.

We only talk online, so I can't do any of the in-person things that might help.

Any move I make to try to get closer to him results in him getting very scared and shying away. But if I leave him alone to try to give him space and make him more comfortable again, I think he assumes I'm not interested and backs away.

We used to be able to talk much more easily but as things have progressed it gets worse and he just seems paralyzed now.

He's not just socially anxious, he's avoidant.

Any ideas? Thank you very much for reading.

I have an avoidant personality as well, and am extremely shy irl. Like the guy you described, for people like us, talking online is just so much easier because the pressure of things like making eye contact are off our shoulders, and we can take a bit of time to think through what we want to reply with instead of talking back and forth with few breaks in between. I can assure you it's nothing personal. It's just the way he copes. I can't pinpoint exactly what this guy is going through in his head of course, but i know what it's like to have an avoidant personality, and how hard it is to maintain a social life because of it. I sought medical attention though, and that has helped me a little bit.