How to deal with loneliness?

[MikeyC]

Starting threads. I'm not really used to this.

Lately I've been feeling pretty good. I'm attempting to get into uni, I'm looking at getting a vocational change that'll give me more money, I've paid off my car, I'm as good at the drums as I've ever been, and things are generally looking up.

However, my biggest crisis at the moment is loneliness. It festers every day, either subtly or overtly, and looms as my biggest emotional challenge today. Some days I'm crippled by this emotional weight. It literally feels like an anvil pushing on my heart and it's an awful feeling - I'm sure some people here know that feeling. :sad:

Does anyone have any tips to beat this? I have to accept that feeling lonely is something I'll have to get used to - I can't force girls to date me - so what are some healthy ways to cope? Surely there's something I can do to make it not hurt so much. It's pretty much the only thing that depresses me enough to notice, and it's instantaneous. Even looking at couples at the mall can trigger it.

I do crave female affection, though. I love hugs and being touched and neither of those things are happening.

 

[HexNoir]

Cheer up, buddy! You'll find someone, I promise. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[MikeyC]

Cheer up, buddy! You'll find someone, I promise. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

Thanks, mate. I hope you're right but it's been difficult since the breakdown of a possible relationship earlier this year. Long story. I'm a bit of a weird bloke but I know rationally there's got to be one girl out there I like.

I'm 27. Note that I'm still a virgin, too. That's been a turn-off for women in the past (another long story, heh).

 

[HexNoir]

^ I admire your openness. I'm younger than you, but I actually feel the same way (recently broke it off with my fiance, that's never fun). Bad stuff can come your way, but I'm a firm believer in the cliche, 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' thing.

I also think that if a woman is turned off by the fact that you're a virgin, she isn't worth your time at all. :/. Unfortunately I don't have any advice, but you're definitely not alone. Or weird.

 

[MikeyC]

I also think that if a woman is turned off by the fact that you're a virgin, she isn't worth your time at all. :/.

Well, one girl in particular was severely immature, so I guess it was a blessing in that regard.

Thanks for the compliments, mate. I hope something good can happen. Sorry to hear about your fiancé. That's got to hurt. :sad:

 

[Kiwong]

Just hold onto your dreams MikeyC, and keep taking steps towards them, including being with a girl. It might come true.

My equation is Thoughts=dreams=actions=results. Once you take steps towards a dream it is often inevitable that they can come true. Or if they don't you can have fun trying to get there.

For me loneliness has diminished as I have got older. University was hell for me, I felt really alone, I topped my course, but became socially isolated.

This last few years I have started to get interested in living, and I have really got involved in my distractions. For me it's running, photography, nature, botany.

 

[MikeyC]

Thanks for replying, Kiwong. I suppose the only thing I can do is keep pushing for what I want, and that will fall into place. It can be hard to keep going with a weight on your heart but there's no real choice, I guess.

Sorry to hear uni was bad for you. :sad: I hope I'm somewhat social, since there'll be a lot of girls there.

 

[Kiwong]

Thanks for replying, Kiwong. I suppose the only thing I can do is keep pushing for what I want, and that will fall into place. It can be hard to keep going with a weight on your heart but there's no real choice, I guess.

Sorry to hear uni was bad for you. :sad: I hope I'm somewhat social, since there'll be a lot of girls there.

Enjoy the bar nights at Uni, MikeyC, that was were a lot of socialising happened at my Uni. There was lots of great girls at uni, I was just interested in the wrong ones.

 

[Silatuyok]

However, my biggest crisis at the moment is loneliness. It festers every day, either subtly or overtly, and looms as my biggest emotional challenge today. Some days I'm crippled by this emotional weight. It literally feels like an anvil pushing on my heart and it's an awful feeling - I'm sure some people here know that feeling. :sad:

I know exactly what you are feeling, and it is soul-crushing. I wrote a blog once about the things I did to stay sane when I lived alone. However, I'm not sure how helpful it will be because I know you already do many of the things on my list.
How To Live Alone | Christmas Is All Around Us

 

[jaim38]

Manga, anime, and writing fantasy helps for me. If I feel bad but there's nobody to talk to, I turn to these hobbies. I have a big wild imagination. Anything that I couldn't do in real life, I could make it happen in my daydreams, where virtually anything is fair game, and I try to translate my daydream into words when I write fiction.

Another coping mechanism is of course, SPW! Sometimes I can't get people to understand, empathize, or talk to me, so I turn to this forum.

 

[MikeyC]

I know exactly what you are feeling, and it is soul-crushing. I wrote a blog once about the things I did to stay sane when I lived alone. However, I'm not sure how helpful it will be because I know you already do many of the things on my list.
How To Live Alone | Christmas Is All Around Us

Those are good tips, Marie. I live with my parents and brother so there's no shortage of people to talk to. I specifically miss female affection; this came on very shortly after the Fiona thing, unsurprisingly.

Thanks for that, though. I do sometimes have the house to myself where I'll play music and/or cook lunch for myself. It's good.

 

[MikeyC]

It is difficult to get a taste of affection then relinquishing that feeling. I actually think it has to do with the release of dopamine in the brain when you feel loved (the prime culprit of addiction) - longing you for more.

Human connections are elusive - and fleeting for most of us.

:-(

Yeah, I think what I had with Fiona, then having it suddenly end, has really bought this on. That ended about six months ago now and I'm still reeling from it. You'd think I'd be over it by now!

I do enjoy a nice hit of dopamine.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I do crave female affection, though. I love hugs and being touched and neither of those things are happening.

Pff.

Don't worry about it dude.

Girls have cooties.

You're better off without such nonsense.

 

[Odo]

Mikey I've read your posts and I just don't get how you can be single. You always seem so impossibly sunny and active, and I've always thought that people were drawn to that sort of thing.

Anyways, if you're bothered by your loneliness, my advice would be to stop trying to find someone and put the whole thing out of your mind.

Focus on doing what you enjoy and expanding your horizons... and when you know what you like to do, try to find a club or something that you can join that's related to that, and then maybe when you're there you'll meet someone.

 

[MikeyC]

Pff.

Don't worry about it dude.

Girls have cooties.

You're better off without such nonsense.

I took out cootie insurance in primary school. I would love cooties!

Mikey I've read your posts and I just don't get how you can be single. You always seem so impossibly sunny and active, and I've always thought that people were drawn to that sort of thing.

Anyways, if you're bothered by your loneliness, my advice would be to stop trying to find someone and put the whole thing out of your mind.

Focus on doing what you enjoy and expanding your horizons... and when you know what you like to do, try to find a club or something that you can join that's related to that, and then maybe when you're there you'll meet someone.

I am on eHarmony, so I am trying to find someone, although I'm not really taking it too seriously (I would go mental if I did). Best I've gotten is a couple of messages back and forth, then both girls stopped talking to me without reason. I never understood that.

I am active and stuff, but a lot of things I do are on my own. I don't mind it but there are times when I would love to have a girl to share these things with, even if it's just walking aimlessly through the mall in Shellharbour.

Thanks for the advice, mate. I'll try to keep focusing on myself and hopefully the rest will fall into place. I just need to control my loneliness emotions.

 

[yC1590]

Man, i can sympathize about the loneliness and longing for female affection. I recently had a bad episode with a girl as well. We met through a dating site and eventually met since she lives only about 30 mins away. I already knew she found me attractive and when we hung out we seemed to hit it off and she told me she liked me. Things continued great for a few weeks and then all of a sudden it just changed. She was less talkative and i felt like something was up.. so long story short it ended with her telling me she just wants a friend. I still don't understand what changed to make her go from liking me to not liking me. So now i've been fighting depression from that and loneliness =/ I can get girls apparently but they always seem to ditch me after a while and i don't meet enough of them constantly (due to my anxiety and inability to approach them) to get frequent chances at relationships. So it's really got me feeling hopeless right now.

Trying to stay positive tho and i hope you will too! Stay Strong and if you just want a friend to talk with lemme know.

 

[jaim38]

Man, i can sympathize about the loneliness and longing for female affection. I recently had a bad episode with a girl as well. We met through a dating site and eventually met since she lives only about 30 mins away. I already knew she found me attractive and when we hung out we seemed to hit it off and she told me she liked me. Things continued great for a few weeks and then all of a sudden it just changed. She was less talkative and i felt like something was up.. so long story short it ended with her telling me she just wants a friend. I still don't understand what changed to make her go from liking me to not liking me.

It's probably infatuation,crush, or limerance, all of which don't last forever. I know the feeling. Since pu.be.rty hit, I found myself having crushes on dozens of guys, but they're always short-lasting. The first part of the crush is "fun" and exciting because of the adrenaline rising. That's when I feel a lot of passion for the other person. But after that, it gradually dies down until I feel nothing for that person. Then my mind moves on to the next crush. You're probably thinking, women are so strange, men are from mars and women from venus! Sometimes I don't understand my biological urges either.

 

[MikeyC]

Man, i can sympathize about the loneliness and longing for female affection. I recently had a bad episode with a girl as well. We met through a dating site and eventually met since she lives only about 30 mins away. I already knew she found me attractive and when we hung out we seemed to hit it off and she told me she liked me. Things continued great for a few weeks and then all of a sudden it just changed. She was less talkative and i felt like something was up.. so long story short it ended with her telling me she just wants a friend. I still don't understand what changed to make her go from liking me to not liking me. So now i've been fighting depression from that and loneliness =/ I can get girls apparently but they always seem to ditch me after a while and i don't meet enough of them constantly (due to my anxiety and inability to approach them) to get frequent chances at relationships. So it's really got me feeling hopeless right now.

Trying to stay positive tho and i hope you will too! Stay Strong and if you just want a friend to talk with lemme know.

That's unfortunate that she stopped liking you all of a sudden. I can't really explain it but there must've been something about you that she didn't like - enough to stop her feelings for you. Thanks for sharing.

 

[MikeyC]

Sometimes I don't understand my biological urges either.

If women don't understand women, what chance do we have?

It would be nice if girls even had that crush you're speaking of, and if they do, they're great at hiding it. I guess it's just frustrating for me sometimes.

 

[Silatuyok]

Man, i can sympathize about the loneliness and longing for female affection. I recently had a bad episode with a girl as well. We met through a dating site and eventually met since she lives only about 30 mins away. I already knew she found me attractive and when we hung out we seemed to hit it off and she told me she liked me. Things continued great for a few weeks and then all of a sudden it just changed. She was less talkative and i felt like something was up.. so long story short it ended with her telling me she just wants a friend. I still don't understand what changed to make her go from liking me to not liking me.

Could be any number of reasons, but sounds to me like she found somebody else. Sorry that happened to you.