Help with my mom

Srijita52

Well-known member
My mom's always been overprotective and I think along with my own temperment its one of the biggest reasons of my SA. I don't know how to put it in words but she never lets me do anything by myself. I was never allowed go to my friends' house or hang out with them untill recently when I begged her to understand that its necessary for me to expand my comfort zone. She still doesn't approve of it though and gets mad every time I get out of my house. She always says how easy it was for her when I was a little girl cos I could always be under her eyes. The biggest problem atm is I'm moving out in two months and though I'll not be too far away from home she simply hates the idea of letting me go. Me and my dad are constantly telling her that its for my own good as it'll be closer to my college but she'd rather have me sit at home doing nothing than let me out in 'the dangerous world'. Everytime I try to have a conversation about it she becomes emotionally manipulative saying how I don't care about her or how selfish I'm being. I'm way too anxious myself and it never helps that she always tries to discourage me. When I tried to tell her how her overprotectiveness is causing me harm she says that she acts like this as I'm weak and different from other people. She says if I was 'normal' just like everyone else she wouldn't have to worry about me. Even when I try to face my fears she always gives me thousands of reasons why it wouldn't work out as I'll never be good enough. I know she loves me and wants to 'protect' me though its coming to a point where I'm starting to feel trapped. I love her a lot but I'm kinda lost here. What am I supposed to do? Am I over reacting?
Sorry for the long rant and thanks for reading.
 

Rembrandt Broam

Well-known member
It doesn't sound like you're overreacting at all, and I absolutely agree that overprotective parenting can contribute to SA. If someone is constantly telling you that you can't do things and that things will go wrong if you try to do them (unlike for the 'normal' people) then it's bound to undermine your self-confidence. If you're told something often enough, especially from someone like a parent, then eventually you'll come to believe it yourself.

On some level, your mom is probably afraid of losing you. She has a daughter who has always needed her and depended on her, and now that daughter is trying to become more independent. That can be very hard for some parents to deal with, but you do still need to establish your independence for your own sake, and your mom will come to accept that. I think moving out will be a big step in that direction for you.
 

Boby

Well-known member
Do what you think it's necessary to do even if your mom doesn't like it,she will accept it eventually,it's just another step in life that any parent has to take.
I'm in the opposite situation ,my mom's always complains how immature I am but my anxiety and social anxiety prevents from becoming more mature.
 

dyingtolive

Well-known member
shes probably really desperate right now.. 2 months and she'll no longer have control..

She might be going crazy inside and being extra mean. I've also experienced this growing up..

For me, i rebelled out of anger. And on some occasions i may have taken it too far too, disappearing and such. She probably got traumatized by it, hehehe. But its just my payback. lol. sorry, i dont know if this is helpful to your post.

Anyway, just hold on. Try to not let her get to you in saying you're weak etc. It's just her desperation probably and she isn't thinking straight. And its really cool that you still love her and you are not mad at her

It's good your dad is not on her side. That at least is a + :)
 

Hoppy

Well-known member
I really like your dad, as long as he is on your side you will make it.

But if you mother keep on protecting you, what will happen to you once she is dead? It may sounds nasty but maybe that will let her see your side.
 

Srijita52

Well-known member
Thanks for your responses everyone. You've helped a lot. I really don't want to hurt her but I guess its a step I've to take regardless.
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
I think your mother might have separation anxiety. I know a woman who has that regarding her kids, but she understands that they're older now and have to live their own lives. She likes me because I remind her of her son.

You have to upset her. If you want to move out, do it. Don't let her stop you. It will be hard at first but she might be okay after that. She has no choice but to get used to you growing up.

Your mum's actions are a stronger version of what my mum has.
 

megalon

Well-known member
She sounds similar to my own mom. I wasn't allowed to do anything without her or my dad present, wasn't allowed to talk on the phone, wasn't even allowed to ride my bicycle past the neighbor's driveway until I was 17. I remember the first time my brother stayed out all night with his girlfriend (now wife), my mom sat on the couch crying inconsolably until probably 2 am, calling his phone every 5 minutes. She thinks I'm going to stay at home like a child forever. She even uses it as a threat against my dad who's more lenient, telling him he's making me want to move out. Of course I want to move out, but it has nothing to do with my dad.
Every time I try to tell her I'm not a child anymore and I have to live my own life, she starts crying. I usually end up doing things behind her back. If I want to do something that's a big deal, I don't consult her until it's too late for her to do something to derail it. She didn't know I bought my motorcycle until it was in the driveway. Sneaking around behind her back isn't the best thing to create trust between us, but if she had her way, my life would always stay the same as when I was a kid.
 

shyindian

Banned
hey that's the story of a typical Indian family LOL....Indian parents r very conservative...i have to agree in many ways overprotective....actually they want us to be with them always..it is not their fault.....they really care for their kids..nd will do anything for them......but they tend to forget that we have our own life and we want to live it our way...but u need to understand...whatever they do it is for ur gud...so u need to listen to them...what u can do is that talk to her and come up with a feasible solution...as a first step...u have to do little things successfully that can make her feel that u rnow able to make decisons on ur own..nd once she has confidence in u..then she will let u make ur own decisions...but u have to take her advice when it is required...nd hope for the best
 
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Srijita52

Well-known member
Thank you all for the help. I agree Mikey, she might have seperation anxiety. shyindian, I've tried to talk to her about it but she won't listen to a word. I hope she understands with time though. Anyway my dad supports me with it so I guess I've to do it.
 

w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
My mom's always been overprotective and I think along with my own temperment its one of the biggest reasons of my SA. I don't know how to put it in words but she never lets me do anything by myself. I was never allowed go to my friends' house or hang out with them untill recently when I begged her to understand that its necessary for me to expand my comfort zone. She still doesn't approve of it though and gets mad every time I get out of my house. She always says how easy it was for her when I was a little girl cos I could always be under her eyes. The biggest problem atm is I'm moving out in two months and though I'll not be too far away from home she simply hates the idea of letting me go. Me and my dad are constantly telling her that its for my own good as it'll be closer to my college but she'd rather have me sit at home doing nothing than let me out in 'the dangerous world'. Everytime I try to have a conversation about it she becomes emotionally manipulative saying how I don't care about her or how selfish I'm being. I'm way too anxious myself and it never helps that she always tries to discourage me. When I tried to tell her how her overprotectiveness is causing me harm she says that she acts like this as I'm weak and different from other people. She says if I was 'normal' just like everyone else she wouldn't have to worry about me. Even when I try to face my fears she always gives me thousands of reasons why it wouldn't work out as I'll never be good enough. I know she loves me and wants to 'protect' me though its coming to a point where I'm starting to feel trapped. I love her a lot but I'm kinda lost here. What am I supposed to do? Am I over reacting?
Sorry for the long rant and thanks for reading.

Listen to your dad, learn to be independent. Don't make your mom manipulate you or restrict you. Leave your house and learn how to fly!
 

da_illest101

Well-known member
My mom is over protective as well, but not extreme like yours. She never wanted us to have sleep overs. My neighbord was Greek, I'm haitian and she never wanted me to his house because they had a different culture and we don't know what they do. Though it was perfectly fine for my neighbord to spend the whole day at my house since she was there. I was always allowed to go out though, to the point that my parents are sick of me staying home. Luckily for me they know I'm not out going because I was like that since I was born

Nowadays she is looking forward for me and my sister to leave the house and bring her grand childrens.
 

Srijita52

Well-known member
Thanks everyone. Well I did talk to her more about the whole thing and she admitted that she said those stuff just to make me change my decision as it was too hard for her. Although she understands now that I have to and is also willing to let me move out.
 

crazypants

Well-known member
I know this sounds nuts, but I'm always a little jealous when I hear people say their parents are/were overprotective. I WISH anyone gave a god damn what happened to me when I was growing up. I always felt like an afterthought.
 

Srijita52

Well-known member
I know this sounds nuts, but I'm always a little jealous when I hear people say their parents are/were overprotective. I WISH anyone gave a god damn what happened to me when I was growing up. I always felt like an afterthought.

I'm sorry, I guess nothing's good on an extreme level.
 

1BlackSheep

Well-known member
Thanks everyone. Well I did talk to her more about the whole thing and she admitted that she said those stuff just to make me change my decision as it was too hard for her. Although she understands now that I have to and is also willing to let me move out.
That's great, Srijita! Hopefully she'll come to see how happy you are having a bit more freedom, and that she's still an important part of your life. I'm excited for you to start this new chapter! :)
 

Ashiene

Well-known member
My mom's always been overprotective and I think along with my own temperment its one of the biggest reasons of my SA. I don't know how to put it in words but she never lets me do anything by myself. I was never allowed go to my friends' house or hang out with them untill recently when I begged her to understand that its necessary for me to expand my comfort zone. She still doesn't approve of it though and gets mad every time I get out of my house. She always says how easy it was for her when I was a little girl cos I could always be under her eyes. The biggest problem atm is I'm moving out in two months and though I'll not be too far away from home she simply hates the idea of letting me go. Me and my dad are constantly telling her that its for my own good as it'll be closer to my college but she'd rather have me sit at home doing nothing than let me out in 'the dangerous world'. Everytime I try to have a conversation about it she becomes emotionally manipulative saying how I don't care about her or how selfish I'm being. I'm way too anxious myself and it never helps that she always tries to discourage me. When I tried to tell her how her overprotectiveness is causing me harm she says that she acts like this as I'm weak and different from other people. She says if I was 'normal' just like everyone else she wouldn't have to worry about me. Even when I try to face my fears she always gives me thousands of reasons why it wouldn't work out as I'll never be good enough. I know she loves me and wants to 'protect' me though its coming to a point where I'm starting to feel trapped. I love her a lot but I'm kinda lost here. What am I supposed to do? Am I over reacting?
Sorry for the long rant and thanks for reading.

I suspect your mom and my mom could be the same person existing in 2 places at once. Because you just described my mom.
 

Nathália

Well-known member
Thanks everyone. Well I did talk to her more about the whole thing and she admitted that she said those stuff just to make me change my decision as it was too hard for her. Although she understands now that I have to and is also willing to let me move out.

That's great Srijita. I understand where you're coming from, my mother is overprotective. I'm glad you're able to fly free and try to experience and grow from life. Mines still won't let off because I'm the youngest and I feel like there is nothing I can do about her being controlling unless I move out. It can be a good thing that parents protect their kids and children may later find understanding, but is sometimes too much.
 
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