Held back by Fear

C

Cass-

Guest
Having only recently become aware of Social phobia I've had a look over my life and so many things now seem to make sense. Not that I can see a way out yet but knowing I'm not a one off freak is a help.
I remember changing schools for the 5th or 6th time and being terrified of having to walk into a room full of strangers. That fear has never left me. I remember being too scared to cough out loud because people would look at me. In fact I'm sure that I still would be too scared but I've been living in hiding for so long now I can't remember the last time I was in a situation where I was in a big crowd.

My social phobia really came to the fore when I reached high school. Every morning I would feel sick to my stomach knowing that I had to go to school. I would often claim to be sick in tummy when I was younger and now older I would fake my period. I had no idea why I felt the way I did just that I felt different and couldn’t understand why. I was always a high academic achiever however, as I avoided my class mates so much and paid attention to the teacher. I’ve always been very eager to please, particularly any authority figures in my life. I became more and more depressed with my situation and tried to kill myself at 14. Soon after a long string of anti-depressants, counselors, psychologist and psychiatrists would enter and exit my life without much change occuring. I refused to go back to school as I was so terrified. I spent a whole year at home alone with washing up the dishes from my lunch being the highlight of my day.

I’m sure I sound very sorry for myself but I’m just trying to say how it’s been, truthfully for me. I did go back to school though I had no intention to. I hadn’t even completed year 10 so of course my mother very sensibly insisted I go back. I plotted various ways and times to kill myself in the weeks leading up to the new school year at a new school. Talk about fear upon fear. The only reason I got through that first day, that first week was that I had glandular fever and felt completely nauseated 24/7. I truly believe that I was too busy concentrating on not vomiting in front of everyone that my other fears were put in the background long enough for me to get through. I was also lucky enough to meet some very nice people on my first day. The point is I made, and I’ve made it plenty of times since but I’ve always fallen down again.

After completing year 12, just barely, I had a complete breakdown in my last exam week. I actually got into university, doing behavioral science of all things, I wanted to be a psychologist and to help people. The fear was terrible. I remember lining up to get my ID card with almost 100 other people and having to get my photo taken while others were watching. Walking into lecture theatres was the worst. Walking in that bottom door and all those faces staring down at you. I didn’t last long. I deferred to keep my family happy, it was my mums dream for me to go to university. I had to let her think I’d go back. I spent the rest of the year working temporary jobs I hated moving from place to place. The following year I thought I’d start over with my other love, art and computers. I started a Diploma of Graphic Design which I loved except for the people. They were great but I was terrified of looking like an idiot in front of them, of not being part of the group. My last day was my first presentation during which my mouth became so dry that I could no longer talk and I had to excuse myself to get a drink. And thus I spent the rest of another year feeling like a failure who had lost her path in life. The next year, 2003 guess what. I tried again. I felt determined this time and had made progress with my anxiety having discovered relaxation therapy. I moved in with a good friend and started a Bachelor of Multimedia. It was the greatest course for me. Perfectly suited me and I loved it but dealing with the people, the everyday. Getting to and from on the bus was hell and I dreaded it every day. Then of course there were the lecture theatres to walk into, the crowds of people to walk through and the ever present thought in the back of my mind that they were all looking at me.

I broke down once more and was once again whisked back into the ever supporting house of my mother. Months went by in bed as this failure hit me harder than any before. I’d really loved what I was doing and had wanted to complete it.
And thus begins my 2004 and those that love me would want me to succeed yet they can’t understand the fear that I feel or the discouraged attitude I carry.
As much as I believe in my ability to pick myself up and try again the thought of giving it another go now is so unbearable. If I do I might have to go through my past failures all over again and if I don’t I’ll stay where I am. Alone and miserable. Unable to become who I really am or all that I could be.
I know that it’s up to me to beat this and that it’s no one else’s fault but I feel alone and at a loss as for what to do next.
Fear seems to be all I know how to feel anymore.


Cass, February 2004
 

dream

Well-known member
I can relate to what your going through, if you want to talk you can pm for my msn.
You should be proud that you made it past gr12,I dropped out in gr10. I'm 24yrs old now, unemployed and slowly loosing touch with reality.
 
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