hate myself and i want to die

[lonesomeboy]

god you won't believe what happened today. i went to lunch with this tall good looking work colleague of mine, so we bought something and sat down at this bench at a nearby park. we notice two girls on the other bench talking german to one another, and my colleague who speaks german just starts talking to them in german right there and there trying to chat them up.
they talk for a bit but the girls end up continuing their conversation on their own, me and my colleague sit down and eat.

After we finished eating and just about to leave, my colleague goes up to the girls and starts chatting them up. I just stand there and watch like a moron whilst he chats them up, they are all smiling and laughing. I sit down on the bench to wait, but I get so HATEFUL of envy agaisnt my work colleague for being able to do that. I mean hes a nice guy and all, but I just hated him for being NORMAL and confident with girls like that, and something I am not. Whats worse I hated myself even worse for being the way Iam. I just have no confidence and self-esteem in these situations, in every else I can almost fake it to pass as normal, but when it comes to girls and things like this Iam hopeless. god seriously iam the biggest pathetic loser...

anyways, they keep on chatting and I just can't stand it anymore looking on. One of the girls kinda turns my way and looks at me probably wondering "Whats wrong with that guy? wat a weirdo". I can't stand it anymore watching them, so I get up and leave. My colleague ends up with their phone numbers...:/...I sort of stop talking to him on the way back. I know its mean but I just cant even stand to look at him.

I feel like @#%$ now, .....sorry for the long email..but I just had to vent.

 

[SYNAPSE]

I would have tried to join them somehow; in my experience, the attention of chicks is drawn to me in those situations by just being there.
My own problem is that those situations almost never take place because I'm either isolated or surrounded by other males who'd rather compete with me (at best). Despite the fact that I'm good looking (and usually acknowledged as such) no one seems to feel sorry for me as far as the sheer absurdity of my situation goes; not that I'd like people to but it baffles me that most actually try to bring me down by actively isolating me even further and being particularily cold and unpleasant. It baffles me that no woman ever tried to reach out to me through this situation and that they'd rather seek the company of "groups" and of guys that are a little bit more outspoken even when they are at a huge disadvantage in everything else.
It always has to be me in this situation. . . I feel terribly lonely. . .

A girl I like very much (but who lives overseas) asked me whether women approach me when I go clubbing alone (I have no other way to even make myself visible before people of the opposite sex in reasonable numbers); well that almost never happens in this society.

Each time I notice a sign of aging, that not only my youth but my life is coming to an end yet no one has ever been close to me I feel a kind of pain that's beyond words - it's not even sadnes or anger, it's some inhuman kind of despair or even horror. . .

 

[hans1]

So that's how you guys by the sidelines feel, interesting..

 

[Ddarko]

Each time I notice a sign of aging, that not only my youth but my life is coming to an end yet no one has ever been close to me I feel a kind of pain that's beyond words - it's not even sadnes or anger, it's some inhuman kind of despair or even horror. . .

I know that feeling... the closest thing that describes it for me is a kind of nihilistic or existential emptiness. There's a bit of comfort in knowing that, in the end, we're all dead men and that eventually everyone will have to come to terms with his or her own mortality and inadequacy as a finite being. Some people say that life isn't worth living without someone to love, but I tend to think that the majority of people may not know what love really is... most people just have feelings and then call it love. There is compassion though, which I think is greater than love because it is universal. I take comfort in knowing that if I can live in the face of absurdity and treat other people caringly despite that situation--in short, if I can exercise a degree of selflessness and refuse to feel bitter or sorry for myself--then I’ve at least accomplished something admirable.

 

[Clark_Kent]

Actually yes i agree kitten if these girls where indeeed friendly they would have started some ceonversation themselves. But as you know the complex society we live in today has unwritten rules and social tabboo's, this does not make it right however.

Shy people are often overly anylithical and sensitive, the people they integrate with are generally not and can have a more selfish and uncaring thinking process which can be a poor mix.

the complexities of women are vast my good fellow, On one hand some ask for equal rights but on the other these same few expect preferential treatment (as in you do the talking, you take charge etc.) On the other hand some women in my opinion like the confident "bad Boy" particularly younger women. Now my post's are normally loaded but honest please no one take offence. this is not all of them however! some are great you may not have met them yet, caring women who like the "nice guy" they are rather few im afraid but they are there.

The man is meant to be the confident one etc. this is the general way of thing's in my enviornment but not always's the case, Ive actually found out recently that I relate better to intelligent people, ive never considered myself intelligent but ive found that the more intelligent the girl the better i can communicate and enjoy myself and there was me thinking i always wanted an obediant bimbo.

My point being its not necessarily you but rather your enviornment. if you meet the right people whom are sensitive (i know sounds gay) and intelligent then you can shine but the general public and their fixation with trying to be cool in front of their peer's, canned laughter on cue etc. etc. can make life difficult for us shy's.

Basically im into friendly caring non pretentious and sensitive girls's (RARE) I get on great with friendy people and i can open up with them. If the girl's are not friendly and dont invite you into the conversation what have you lost? not much they are prob not worth having well, at least in the long term.

 

[SYNAPSE]

I know that feeling... the closest thing that describes it for me is a kind of nihilistic or existential emptiness. There's a bit of comfort in knowing that, in the end, we're all dead men and that eventually everyone will have to come to terms with his or her own mortality and inadequacy as a finite being. [...] I take comfort in knowing that if I can live in the face of absurdity and treat other people caringly despite that situation--in short, if I can exercise a degree of selflessness and refuse to feel bitter or sorry for myself--then I’ve at least accomplished something admirable.

I have thought about this and I still have doubts whether my longing for romantic love is really a socially imposed need. I believe it isn't; I believe it's my own need to be profoundly understood and loved as I myself could (can?) understand and love. As an atheist (or agnostic, at most) death frightenss me beyond everything - I do not want to die without having being really happy at least once.

Some people say that life isn't worth living without someone to love, but I tend to think that the majority of people may not know what love really is... most people just have feelings and then call it love.

I do suspect that most people inasmuch as they can be perceived as romantically successful have not achieved the exact same thing I seek. Their relationships take place in a social and cultural framework I find shallow, intrusive and (ultimately) revolting - and they themselves have proven to be unable to provide me with what I want (they are often too preoccupied with "being normal", too wary about a guy who differs from the mainstream - even if he looks ok and has a uni degree, and too quick to criticize in a rather mean way).

Now, addressing both things, I know it'd be great to live without this burden but I can't - It's a need that's stronger than any intellectual contemplation of my life and that keeps breaking me down earlier or later - especially when I feel I'm doing nothing about it.
A more pragmatic side to this is that, since I get mobbed at work and I'm at odds with my own family, most of the time I'm lacking the emotional counterbalance to make my life even bearable.
I have recently become emotionally involved with a girl who is in a situation equivalent to mine and, even though she lives very far away, communicating with her has been, as of late, one of the very few things that keep me going and one thing that has drastically changed my mood for the better - so I know how well that can make me feel.

 

[SYNAPSE]

Actually yes i agree kitten if these girls where indeeed friendly they would have started some ceonversation themselves. But as you know the complex society we live in today has unwritten rules and social tabboo's, this does not make it right however.
[...] the complexities of women are vast my good fellow, On one hand some ask for equal rights but on the other these same few expect preferential treatment (as in you do the talking, you take charge etc.) On the other hand some women in my opinion like the confident "bad Boy" particularly younger women. Now my post's are normally loaded but honest please no one take offence. this is not all of them however!

I completely agree. The society I live is very backwards in this aspect. One of the things I say is that part of not being an object is not acting like one. . . .but most people just go with the flow and raise an eyebrow at someone like me.
The people at work, for example, have found some posts of mine at random forums detailing what I'd expect from a relationship and what I think true equality means (amongst other things) and I have become the target of jokes as far as that is concerned; they just find the whole thing "too complex", "weird", "funky", etc. . . One of the reasons I'm enjoying posting here is that those pinheads are not fluent in English so even if they find this forum they are gonna feel pretty humilliated trying to figure out what I'm saying. . . :lol: