Forever Alone...Relationships?

[ScaredToBreathe]

I am a teen I know I'm young and everyone just says "you've got the rest of your life ahead of you don't worry" but I AM worried about being able to find someone for a relationship and maybe marriage because of my SA and since so many people with SA never do get married.

Anyways, a lot of guys have told me I'm really cute and were interested in me but when they start hanging around me I don't really talk and then they lose interest and walk away without getting to know the real me.

And any guys who actually ARE attracted to shy or mute girls (and i've never met any) would probably be disappointed because when I "come out of my shell" I'm really hyper and crazy and risk-taking thrill-seeking type, not the quiet, innocent, calm type that i seem.
I am a person who is eager to get married and spend my life with somone i love. i don't fall in love easily. it takes over a year for me to fall in love and i have to know the person very well. i want someone that is caring, a virgin, and committed but it's almost impossible to find that guy and if i did there's probably no way in hell he'd want to be with me. so many guys will not stick with me because i am too quiet and not quick to warm up to them.

so I'm scared to spend the rest of my life alone. I want to be with someone and i want kids someday i just want a normal life like everyone else. i feel stupid for writing this it feels hopeless but any advice would be nice!

 

[PhantomPod]

hmm, I sure wish I had some advice to offer, but I, too, feel as though I will be forever alone.

But how old are you? I mean, how young are we talking? You're still in high school? Honestly, I would say just to try and take advantage of meeting any new people while you are still in school and are constantly coming into contact with new people.

Because I am 24 now and I feel as though it is harder to meet new people at this age. High school and college offer chances to meet new people, but unfortunately I didn't take advantage of those opportunities when I had them, so now I've just been working at the same job since I graduated college and I just see the same exact people every single day, so there are few opportunities in my day-to-day life to meet a new guy that I could potentially date.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Don't worry, you'll find someone!

Let's see..... maybe it's not you that's "putting people off", but your view and belief. Don't be so quick to condemn yourself like that, okay? Take a deep breath and calm down. Don't worry about boys; they'll always be there. For right now, deal with your schoolwork and create your future. Do some things that you enjoy; in other words, become happy with yourself. The happier you become, the more boys/suitors you'll find yourself surrounded with!

As for meeting a boy you like, go to events or places that you enjoy or have something to do with something you like. For example, if you like writing, then a Writing class would be your best shot at meeting a potential boyfriend.

Don't be so eager to rush into a relationship, okay? From what I've seen, people get turned off by that. Slow down and let things come as they may and you'll find yourself with a boyfriend before you know it! Good luck!

 

[Srijita52]

Don't worry, you'll find someone!

Let's see..... maybe it's not you that's "putting people off", but your view and belief. Don't be so quick to condemn yourself like that, okay? Take a deep breath and calm down. Don't worry about boys; they'll always be there. For right now, deal with your schoolwork and create your future. Do some things that you enjoy; in other words, become happy with yourself. The happier you become, the more boys/suitors you'll find yourself surrounded with!

As for meeting a boy you like, go to events or places that you enjoy or have something to do with something you like. For example, if you like writing, then a Writing class would be your best shot at meeting a potential boyfriend.

Don't be so eager to rush into a relationship, okay? From what I've seen, people get turned off by that. Slow down and let things come as they may and you'll find yourself with a boyfriend before you know it! Good luck!

^I agree with every word of it. Relationships are important, but first try to know yourself a little better, if you think your SA and somewhat limited social skills are stopping you, try to work on them. You did say that boys were interested in you, so I'm sure you'll be able to have a relationship. I also tend to be very selective when it comes to relationships but its okay, take your time. And we all have our flaws, we can't expect anyone to be perfect.. but we can always try to get near to that.

 

[Sial Axetder]

I am a teen I know I'm young and everyone just says "you've got the rest of your life ahead of you don't worry" but I AM worried about being able to find someone for a relationship and maybe marriage because of my SA and since so many people with SA never do get married.

Anyways, a lot of guys have told me I'm really cute and were interested in me but when they start hanging around me I don't really talk and then they lose interest and walk away without getting to know the real me.

And any guys who actually ARE attracted to shy or mute girls (and i've never met any) would probably be disappointed because when I "come out of my shell" I'm really hyper and crazy and risk-taking thrill-seeking type, not the quiet, innocent, calm type that i seem.
I am a person who is eager to get married and spend my life with somone i love. i don't fall in love easily. it takes over a year for me to fall in love and i have to know the person very well. i want someone that is caring, a virgin, and committed but it's almost impossible to find that guy and if i did there's probably no way in hell he'd want to be with me. so many guys will not stick with me because i am too quiet and not quick to warm up to them.

so I'm scared to spend the rest of my life alone. I want to be with someone and i want kids someday i just want a normal life like everyone else. i feel stupid for writing this it feels hopeless but any advice would be nice!

You're a teen, eh. Worry about marriage and not getting or getting into it later. You don't need that worry right now.

I agree, those with SA tendencies do or may have difficulties with finding, continuing relationships. There are ways to surmount the difficulties; CBT could be a route or there other therapies, therapy methods.

You'll come to understand that not many individuals even those that don't suffer with SA will not be their completely open selves right away. Relationships take time and part of the time is learning about each other so you CAN be more open with each other and together, trust is earned. Try not to place your energy in the ideas you're not yourself right away with someone you're getting to know. Enjoy getting to know and finding common interests.

You know for certain that you don't fall in love easily?

It can be hard with all those racing emotions and thoughts but you'll find your way with this. (Gain belief with this idea so you can focus your energy on being you and doing what you like.)

Scared of being alone. I don't know, ScaredToBreathe, what it seems you may really want are ways to fill your voids. A want to be loved and give love. THAT instead of letting it happen when it happens because we all know, more often than not, a sought after want of love is never truly caught. You're feeling of fearing aloneness could be a window to a core problem. I can't help much there. You may have to do some exploring.

 

[MikeyC]

Because I am 24 now and I feel as though it is harder to meet new people at this age. High school and college offer chances to meet new people, but unfortunately I didn't take advantage of those opportunities when I had them, so now I've just been working at the same job since I graduated college and I just see the same exact people every single day, so there are few opportunities in my day-to-day life to meet a new guy that I could potentially date.

Hey, your situation sounds a bit like mine. I have had the same job for about 6 years and I see the same people over and over and it's very difficult to come across new people. The only real "new" people I see would be the people in custody at the Police Station...but I would wager they're not the kind of people I would want in my life! I hope you get to meet a few more guys in time.

ScaredToBreathe, you're still quite young and you never know what's around the corner. I am 25 now and I have let many potential partners slip by and it seems like the same is happening to you. All it takes is one to really take your fancy and you'll be okay.

 

[Waybuloo]

If I were a guy I will be interested in you because I am also calm and quiet on the surface but really hyper and crazy when you get to know me, but alas that never happens for the wrong type of people.

There is no meaning in bouncing from relationship to relationship and fling to fling. Some people may say it gives you experience but wouldn't it be nice to skip all that nasty experience (and maybe stds) and go straight to your dream partner. That's why I think you are right in being particular and careful about who you want to be with. The truth is you might bump into him this year or never, with all shades of possibilities in between. Don't be too dependant on this dream fantasy, shelve into the back of your head and concentrate on enjoying your own life and on improving it.

 

[Iluv]

You will find somebody someday! Don't give up hope.

 

[OceanMist]

i want someone that is caring, a virgin, and committed but it's almost impossible to find that guy and if i did there's probably no way in hell he'd want to be with me. so many guys will not stick with me because i am too quiet and not quick to warm up to them.

I would suggest to stop looking for a virgin. The older you get, the less virgins will be around. Even in high school looking for a virgin is a bad idea imo, because you are playing to such a small field once you get to junior and senior years.

For instance, once you get into college the amount of virgins drops extremely low. Then once you get to my age, 27, finding a virgin at my age is slim to none. I get the whole virgin thing would be ideal, but in today's society, it's unrealistic once you get to a certain age. Some people are probably telling me to shut up right now, but that is my opinion and advice on that.

The other thing I noticed is that your negative self-talk is brutal on yourself. I understand that you are quiet, believe me, so am I, but you should never tell yourself that "so many men will not stick with you because you are too quiet."

You'd be surprised that once you sit down with a guy on a date how much social skills you really do have that you are waiting to let out. I used to be just like you, I thought that no woman would ever want to date me because I felt like I had nothing to say on a date, but I went on dates with 3 different women and all of those dates I found stuff to say on them. Chances are the guy you'll date won't be as shy as you so he may be able to come up with conversation starters and you can have the convo flow from there. Sure, there may be awkward silences, but it's important to remember that even outgoing people have those awkward silences too.

You are probably right that it'd be impossible to find a guy who fits the profile you want in a man right now, mainly because of the virgin thing. I'd suggest lowering your standards so you can get into a relationship and get some relationship experience. There are plenty of men out there that are willing to date you that are caring, committed and non-virgins.

 

[OvidiuDanut]

If you're in your teen years you shouldnt despair...yet I was practically unable to approach girls i liked till i was 25...and even then i barely started to approach them online. I really think that online chating/flirting helps alot persons like us with SA. Something striked me about your self evaluation. My first girlfriend was exactly how you described yourself, very very muted, especially in social events. After trying a long time to get her to open up, i eventually gave up on her and perhaps due also to the fact that being myself with SA i felt really weird in social events where she drew negative attention on her by not talking at all and indirectly on me which made me feel even more unconfortable than i already was.Back then i had no idea about this SA condition and i just thought that the relationship isint working...Well...its all past tense now; i really fell bad about that girl. Now im 31, married, about 90% cured from SA because of constant social exposure in church and at work. And i also believe that faith in God helps alot.

 

[YellowBird]

Is there anything you have a special interest in,something you are really passionate about and know well?i know if i'm really nerdy about something and get together with someone else who has the same interest,i feel very confident because i focus on sharing my knowledge and expecting to listen to more about it,personally it's easier for me to talk to someone online than real life,if that applies for you too,you can ask someone their email and chat through the internet untill you feel confident enough(and have informed him about your difficulty,it's important that he knows it's hard for you to be around people and that eventually once you get to know someone you change,than letting him think you regularly don't like to speak much),don't stress about it,if he is the one,he will have patience with you and understand,or else he's a waste of time,trust me you will meet someone and you might even fall for someone you never expected you would,just allow it to happen and have faith.

 

[ScaredToBreathe]

I would suggest to stop looking for a virgin. The older you get, the less virgins will be around. Even in high school looking for a virgin is a bad idea imo, because you are playing to such a small field once you get to junior and senior years.

You'd be surprised that once you sit down with a guy on a date how much social skills you really do have that you are waiting to let out.

1. That is the number one quality I want in a guy. He has to be a virgin because I fear STDs and most of all when I think about the guy being with other girls in that way it grosses me out soooo much. I don't know why, it just does. It may sound weird to people though because most people I know want someone who isn't a virgin cause they have experience. But if I get a guy that's a virgin I'll know he hasn't been sleeping with every girl in town, he's probably not a "player", and even though he may have had chances to have sex with others he didn't because he wasn't with the right girl. I'm not asking for a millionaire, I'm not asking for a Harvard graduate, I'm not asking for the most attractive guy in the world. I just want someone who feels the same way I do.

2. Actually I've had boyfriends before and went on dates but I still couldn't talk. I smile and have fun and make the best of it but I can't for the life of me speak up. Then the guys just think I'm a dud and don't stick around to get to know the real me. So even on dates I don't have a chance. I also went on a lot of double dates, the other couple being my best friend and her boyfriend and I usually talk nonstop around my best friend. But I was still extremely quiet and anxious. And sometimes I do have something to say and I want to say it but my voice physically won't come out. I am a selective mute so I can't speak in certain situations even when I try my hardest just to say one word I can't. And I don't know any guys who would want to date a mute, guys all go for the outgoing psycho girls who dress skimpy and cheat on him then tell him they love him the next day.

 

[ScaredToBreathe]

Don't worry about boys; they'll always be there. For right now, deal with your schoolwork and create your future. Do some things that you enjoy; in other words, become happy with yourself.

You're right, but I've already got my whole future planned out except guys. So that's why I'm so eager to find a guy. This may sound really crazy but I already know what I want to take in university, the career I'm going into, where I'll work, where I'll live when I'm older, what kinds and breeds of pets I'll have in the future, at what age I'll have children, how many children I'll have and their names, how to raise my kids, the places I'm going to travel and what I'll do there, etc. Like I pretty much have my whole life planned out and can't wait to get started. If I want to do all those things though I need to be able to get married. I don't want to rush into anything, but I do want a loving relationship and a family of my own. It's my goal in life.

So basically I already have my future created (even though it may sound insane since I'm still so young and not go perfectly to what I want). And I don't have to worry about school since I'm almost done and always get pretty much straight A's.

 

[Orion's Hound]

So basically I already have my future created (even though it may sound insane since I'm still so young and not go perfectly to what I want). And I don't have to worry about school since I'm almost done and always get pretty much straight A's.

Important to remember that relationships are a two way street. The boy you marry may have plans too. People are dynamic. Chaotic, even. Things don't always go according to plan. Also, talk of marriage plans to potential male mates who are also teenagers may frighten most of them. Would have frightened me. School is going well. I didn't get a girlfriend until I was 22 because I was focused on school and the like too. No shame in waiting. As for the STDs bit, sounds like an issue of trust.

If you don't trust a non-virgin guy who tells you he has no STDs then how can you trust him to marry him? Seems like Catch 22. At any rate, you can refuse sex until he gets tested and shows you the clean bill of health. Porn stars have to get tested regularly. Not expensive. Peace of mind to boot.

As for other girls... Many guys have that issue too. Thinking of their current girlfriend with another guy buried in them is gross. I tend not to have that reaction (I am neutral on it - thinking of old boyfriends doesn't bother me but if I came in and she had a guy inside of her at that moment I would feel sick and probably really angry). Perhaps asking what most guys do to get that thought out of their head would work for you.

 

[she1slander]

@OceanMist: Nothing wrong with "seeking a virgin." There's one thing to be too picky when it comes to finding the right person and another thing to uphold standards for oneself because they are deemed to be much more important than what the world thinks. I don't see why she'd have to lower her standards in order to settle for some people who could be a match for her so that her chances of being in a relationship sooner will be much higher. I've known a few people who were so desperate to be in a relationship and felt that their time is running out for some reason that they end up selling themselves short and ended up neglecting the values they've been raised since birth or during their young adult years.

ScaredtoBreathe, I'm glad to hear that you stand by what you believe is right for you. No matter how long it may take before you find the right person to marry, never EVER settle for something less than what you've desired because believe it or not, there are many people out there who share the same standards as you. I'm one of them. And I really do believe that there are people out there who have been raised with high morals and respect the idea of staying sexually pure until marriage. Either they are highly religious or think just like you. I think waiting for the right time and the right person to come along is a very wise decision on your part. Your patience in finding the right partner will help you better prepare for when the time comes to settling down. I think at this point, you'll just have to befriend lots of guys first and then once you meet the one you're most comfortable with then that's when it's easier to unravel that amazing personality you have.

Perhaps you'll just have to go through some good or bad friendships with guys, which will lead to relationships later on depending on the bond you've shared, before you'll meet prince charming or whoever will marry you. :: Maybe just focus on planning out your career and finishing up your education that it'll just happen. Have faith in yourself.

 

[AGR]

If you are older than 16 or 17 good luck finding a virgin haha,but if its what you want,even if you find one it doesnt mean that he wont turn out to be a player,some people are just late starters,thats why I want good traits like non cheater or doesnt like cheaters or people who do bad things,to me that are more important traits,sorry if I am being too honest.....

 

[ScaredToBreathe]

ScaredtoBreathe, I'm glad to hear that you stand by what you believe is right for you. No matter how long it may take before you find the right person to marry, never EVER settle for something less than what you've desired because believe it or not, there are many people out there who share the same standards as you. I'm one of them.

hey thanks for your response i found it really insightful and it made me feel better about everything. im not really religious or anythin and i dont necessarily need to wait till marriage, but i just want to make sure im with the right guy who i trust completely and that we have genuine feelings for each other.

 

[ScaredToBreathe]

I want good traits like non cheater or doesnt like cheaters or people who do bad things,to me that are more important traits,sorry if I am being too honest.....

i agree! and i have other standards other than him being a virgin. if i think he will cheat he's definately not the guy for me! he has to be caring, respectful, and all that other nice stuff, etc, etc

 

[DeadmanWalking]

You're right, but I've already got my whole future planned out except guys. So that's why I'm so eager to find a guy. This may sound really crazy but I already know what I want to take in university, the career I'm going into, where I'll work, where I'll live when I'm older, what kinds and breeds of pets I'll have in the future, at what age I'll have children, how many children I'll have and their names, how to raise my kids, the places I'm going to travel and what I'll do there, etc. Like I pretty much have my whole life planned out and can't wait to get started. If I want to do all those things though I need to be able to get married. I don't want to rush into anything, but I do want a loving relationship and a family of my own. It's my goal in life.

So basically I already have my future created (even though it may sound insane since I'm still so young and not go perfectly to what I want). And I don't have to worry about school since I'm almost done and always get pretty much straight A's.

Wow! You can plan that far ahead? That's awesome!

But, anyway, love is unpredictable. It appears and disappears at its own behest. It may appear while you are working towards those goals. Love isn't and can't be planned; it just happens. On a side note, don't count school out just because you're getting straight A's, okay? I'm proud of you, but remember how the hare lost the race against the tortoise? He let his guard down and decided to take a break; the hare stopped taking the race seriously. Stay steadfast and don't relax until it's over.

 

[mozart87]

it's funny to read tough comments regarding chances to meet a virgin on a social anxiety forum
there are virgins of any ages. most of them have SA