Feeling awkward at new job

[Iseesky]

Last week I started a new job in an office.
My mom's friend's daughter (who I'm not that close to) got me the job.
The actual working part isn't much trouble, but it's the socializing!
It's a very social office. Everyone is friendly with each other. The problem is, I'm the first newcomer they've had in YEARS! They're all very welcoming and kind and say hello, but I just can't help feeling I don't fit in.
Despite most of them being much older than me, they like to go out after work to drink...I'm not a drinker. I don't like crowds and I'd much rather go straight home after a long day than put myself into another stressful environment! And, alcohol just makes me sleepy...I wish it made me more outgoing and friendly, but it doesn't...I'm the one asleep on the couch. ::

Anyway, I just don't know where I fit in. They all have their groups...The young people, a few groups of older ones...I certainly don't fit in with the younger drinkers (including my mom's friend's daughter), but I also don't fit in with the older ones who are old enough to retire. Not to mention they've all been working together for years and share so many stories and I'm completely new.

Typically I wouldn't have a problem if I didn't fit in at school or elsewhere, but this is a full-time job and I want to find a group...I don't want to be 'that girl who never leaves her cubicle.' I just find it so draining trying to keep up with everyone and be friendly!

Any advice? Similar experience?

 

[MikeyC]

You're a newcomer and they're already friendly, so that's a very good start. You'll fit in eventually, but it's always hard at first. If you just continue being friendly to people you'll see that you will fit in somewhere and be part of the clique.

 

[Richey]

I work at a huge building site with people who have been there for years and have formed tight cliques. I usually just say hello as i walk past people but because my work area is usually alone then i don't get time to talk to the other much. I do sometimes work with other teams but usually because of the fast-paced element of the work most of the banter is based around the job, i might throw in the odd humerous remark or i'll ask the other person about themselves. The thing is, alot of work environments are awkward and aren't so socially warm to begin with. I find those with big egos who aren't self conscious can block all of that out well.

I've always preffered working for a small business with a couple of people however working on at a big company can mean that you can keep to yourself and nobody really seems to mind.

Either way it's always going to be uncomfortable in some way because it's all centered around business and everything that goes with having a job which involves a conformist almost fake nature of trying to please everyone because you want to prove yourself in some way. It feels unnatural to begin with compared to how we are in our free time, in my opinion.

 

[sullyS25]

Give it some time. I have felt the saw way many times but after a while on the job I started to feel comfortable around certain people and opened up to them. That is part of getting a new job for everyone, feeling out of place. I know how it feels to want to feel comfortable and fit in right away but that is unrealistic for most people, especially people who are naturally very shy. If they ask you if you want to go out for drinks after work, I would at least consider it. If a drink or two makes you tired then go home. I think we need to face our fears in order to get over them.

If all you concentrate on is how you have nothing in common with these people and that you feel like the outcast, I am afraid your reality will become that. Try and look for the things you do have in common and concentrate on that. I know it is hard but I truly believe that what we think the majority of our time thinking about is what manifests itself into our reality....That has certainly been the case with me at least.

 

[Illusions]

You're lucky! I've never encountered colleagues as friendly as the ones you described (probably never will). And hey, as for going out for drinks, if you ever consider going with them, just get something non-alcoholic.

Give it time, it can take anyone a while to fit in with a bunch of people who already know each other well (but it can be done, speaking from experience). I'm sure you'll warm up to them soon.

 

[Hoppy]

Last week. It is very early, they are friendly, and invite you.

Do not read all sort of negative stuff into their actions, join them occasionally if they want to go out, but also be willing to make excuses. ( An invisible demanding boyfriend will be usefull)

And remember, there is very seldom real friends at work. A quote I once read: "There are no such thing as a work friend."

 

[Rainbow Brite]

"post removed"

 

[dottie]

@iseesky are you me? starting a job is one of the most stressful things you will do in life so hang in there.

i've been at my job for three months and am dealing with this. and since the gossip there is thick it makes me feel especially withdrawn. why would i want to even speak to people who will say bad things about me as soon as i leave the room? hell, they say them in front of me under their breath... (it's a hostile environment)

@rainbowbrite don't let the learning curve keep you from getting a job! you can do it! everyone was new there at some point. as a new person it is your job to annoy people with questions! that is just how it goes.

 

[Iseesky]

Thanks for your comments everyone.

I definitely will consider going out with them once in awhile. They invited me for next week...Whether I will or not, I don't know. I think I'd like to wait and get to know them in the office a bit better first.

@dottie That sucks that your workplace is so...uncomfortable. How awful! I'm really lucky to be working with such nice people.

 

[schist]

Most (not all) of them are just buttering you up so you'll never see it coming when they conspire to get you fired.

 

[chickenmaryjane]

On my first day of work I hid in the bathroom most of the day. The work place was crowded with workers, I was having wave after wave of panic attacks. My co- workers were nice but that didn't help with sa. Eventually I slowly adapted to my surroundings. I know it is hard and scary starting a new job, but the best advice I can give you is not to worry about what others "might" say about you.

 

[Iseesky]

On my first day of work I hid in the bathroom most of the day. The work place was crowded with workers, I was having wave after wave of panic attacks. My co- workers were nice but that didn't help with sa. Eventually I slowly adapted to my surroundings. I know it is hard and scary starting a new job, but the best advice I can give you is not to worry about what others "might" say about you.

It's nice to see stories of people eventually adjusting.

 

[mismeek]

If I were you I would just keep myself open to possibilities.. If they invite you somewhere but you don't want to go just say "That sounds like fun." That shows them youre interested but youre not really giving them an affirmative that youre going. Then on the night of just say something came up, but you would hang with them next time, because if you seem turning them down eventually they'll stop asking you and you might get shunned.

As for socializing, I took baby steps. I made sure I asked one person just ONE question about themselves a day. like "how long have you worked here?" or "do you have any pets?" Then you just let them do the talking and nod your head. I'm telling you its really hard at first but eventually it will be a piece of cake! Just dont isolate yourself! be willing to push yourself a bit. I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!! *cheers* Good Luck!

 

[mikebird]

If you had been doing this for a long time, and knew everyone pretty well,

if I walked in the door for the first time, and you said "Hi, would you like a tea or coffee?" (that's what I'm used to), what would people think if I said "I'd prefer the DIY way. Where is the kitchen?"

It means I'm not friendly. I prefer to ignore other people, except my boss

 

[Feathers]

Well, I think it's good to accept SOME invitations - or come up with really good excuses for when you really don't want to/can't...
If you keep turning down invitations they'll probably stop asking yup. And it's good to stay 'included'... (you might get new info this way etc, or you may meet cool new people via coworkers..)

I usually try to be friendly with everyone - older people can give you advice about how to do things on the job, and some younger too, maybe?
You can talk to people and slowly get to know them, then you'll naturally see who you feel more drawn to or might have more in common with?

Maybe some like to go jogging/exercise and you can go jogging/walking together? Or whatever your interests/hobbies are?

Yeah, drink mineral water or something you know you handle well (I try to stay away from sugar often) and/or eat well ahead... (so alcohol/sugar don't have such an effect on you...) If you drive a car it can be a good excuse why not drink too! (And they might even appreciate someone reliable enough to drive!)

We've talked about parties and alcohol before - maybe try to do a search for older threads? I've danced all night on only water, or you just make a small toast (1 dcl wine maybe, or apple juice with water looks like white wine ) and then drink mineral water - the essential thing is to keep your glass full or covered (by hand if necessary) lol.. A friend came up with 'I get hives if I drink alcohol' (I still don't know if it's true or not, it made local guys give her a break hehe)

Some people might get insulted if you don't drink alco with them, some are totally cool about it... some are boring when sober and some are allright too!!
Some waitresses pour away alco drinks when no one's watching, but that's bad use of good red wine!!

So, I say give these people a shot to get to know them!! And see what they're like?

Mikebird, I'd find that rude lol..
When I was in an office I just told coworkers I don't drink coffee (I was afraid that otherwise I'd need to cook it for everyone, as 'the youngest' lol) so then I just mostly drank green tea or other beverages lol

It can take a while to adapt to a new job - but remember you're new and exciting to them too!! Friendly coworkers can be a really great thing - they can help out with advice or in other ways... so it's worth it to make an effort!!

 

[Iseesky]

Thanks, guys! Great tips, Feathers!
Job is going well so far...Still don't feel like I fit in, though. ::

 

[Fighter86]

I think it was nice they were friendly. Thats a really good start. Hopefully things get better. Posters above have suggested some useful tips. I wish I could offer some of my own but I don't fare so well with interaction with colleagues. I work for a company my aunt used to work for. She's a great colleague to everyone and recommanded me this job, but there's this lady close to her 40s and really hates me and tries to make life difficult for me or ignore me totally. She has some family issues I gather but its not right to take it out on me. I think she's so pathatic picking on someone so young and vulnerable (I am in my 20s). Worse, she has kids of her own so I don't see how she's a good example to them.

 

[dottie]

hang in there... you might never "fit in" but after a certain period of time i think people will see the good in you and accept that you aren't going anywhere. you aren't there to be BFFs, after all...

 

[Roman Legion]

Hey, the VERY short time I worked for McDonalds they put me on front counter.. Despite the fact I wasn't talking or making eye contact in the interview.. That didn't last long before I was moved to a window where speaking wasn't a major requirement.. Still needed, but not a major issue.. Until people tried to converse with me.. Other workers mocked me and a new manager I had never worked with before came in and tried to talk to me.. I couldn't talk, I just stood there staring down at my work station and he got mad because I would not acknowledge him.. I didn't have anything to write with, so I just stood there.. He started screaming at me, so I clocked out and left.. Turned my clothing in the next day and picked up my cheque (All like ten or so dollars.. Minimum wage jobs suck! And that one was by far NOT worth it)

 

[Silatuyok]

It's nice to see stories of people eventually adjusting.

Yes! You will adjust. Give it a few months at the very least. I have been at my job for almost a year now and I surprise myself by getting just a little bit more comfortable with it every week. It's a slow process, but you'll be glad if you stick it out.