lunarla
Well-known member
For my entire life, it feels like, I've been trying to find some sort of consistency with my mood, feelings, thoughts, relationships with everyone around me. I will be up and stable for a while, could be a day, could be a week, could be a month. And then I somehow come crashing down again in some way that feels completely out of my control. And then I stay there for maybe a day, a week, or a month.
What I've been trying to believe is that it is just a part of life that everyone goes through, and that if I keep fighting it and trying to keep the good, I will overcome it. But when it seems completely out of your control, it feels like some kind of sick joke. I can't even control how I feel, and not only that, literally everything else goes with that; how I feel about the world, my perspective, my views.
Psychiatrists have (what seemed like very loosely) diagnosed me as bipolar. I've never fully bought into it. But they say that if that is what it is, it's only going to get worse without meds. I already feel like I've rapidly deteriorated in ways since a year or two ago. I don't want to lose myself anymore. Maybe wanting to keep my sanity and having some consistency will outweigh the fact that I hate meds, and all the trial and error that comes with them. The whole thing is an if though. Iffffff I'm bipolar. I never want to own that.
But then again there can always been reasons for me feeling like this right now, even the little ones. I don't have very much discipline for myself at this moment in time, so I can never really keep myself in check. Today; this morning, I am feeling low though. I feel like I want to cry almost, but it comes to the surface, then just burrows back down. If I could just cry and have it be done with, maybe I'd feel better.
What I've been trying to believe is that it is just a part of life that everyone goes through, and that if I keep fighting it and trying to keep the good, I will overcome it. But when it seems completely out of your control, it feels like some kind of sick joke. I can't even control how I feel, and not only that, literally everything else goes with that; how I feel about the world, my perspective, my views.
Psychiatrists have (what seemed like very loosely) diagnosed me as bipolar. I've never fully bought into it. But they say that if that is what it is, it's only going to get worse without meds. I already feel like I've rapidly deteriorated in ways since a year or two ago. I don't want to lose myself anymore. Maybe wanting to keep my sanity and having some consistency will outweigh the fact that I hate meds, and all the trial and error that comes with them. The whole thing is an if though. Iffffff I'm bipolar. I never want to own that.
But then again there can always been reasons for me feeling like this right now, even the little ones. I don't have very much discipline for myself at this moment in time, so I can never really keep myself in check. Today; this morning, I am feeling low though. I feel like I want to cry almost, but it comes to the surface, then just burrows back down. If I could just cry and have it be done with, maybe I'd feel better.
