Are all our shyness, low self esteem and anxiety problems just an extension of being ashamed of ourselves in some way?
i feel it is for me. i've always been ashamed of myself, and then add in some very unfortunate physical, environmental and emotional characteristics and then you have a recipe for disaster. which is what my life is... a disaster.
i don't think i can ever go without being ashamed of myself. so i guess then a relationship and a cure is not possible? who do i blame for this mess of a life then? myself, i suppose. :omg:
I am convinced that human beings need validation from other human beings like we need food and water. And when we feel that we don't get it, especially as children, then we live out a life of low self esteem and shame.
True. I once read an interesting article about how different cultures raise their children. In Japanese and other Asian cultures, parents often blame their children for their failures, attributing to their lack of skills and talent. In other words, shaming them. Sometimes, their children are not even responsible for the failures, but it's just convenient to blame them. However in Jewish culture, parents praise their children a lot for their successes. When failures occur, they try to pin the blame on external circumstances and avoid shaming their children.
I am convinced that human beings need validation from other human beings like we need food and water. And when we feel that we don't get it, especially as children, then we live out a life of low self esteem and shame.
I was taught that unless you had friends and a talent people could appreciate, you weren't normal. It's hard to grow up feeling like everything you do is wrong. Until I read up on it, I even blamed myself for having CP. So yeah I grew up ashamed of myself on many levels.
Are all our shyness, low self esteem and anxiety problems just an extension of being ashamed of ourselves in some way?
i feel it is for me. i've always been ashamed of myself, and then add in some very unfortunate physical, environmental and emotional characteristics and then you have a recipe for disaster. which is what my life is... a disaster.
i don't think i can ever go without being ashamed of myself. so i guess then a relationship and a cure is not possible? who do i blame for this mess of a life then? myself, i suppose. :omg:
Planemo, you bring up such a good point. I feel like this is the same case with me. It is very hard to let go.
I can agree with that. When I was younger, I was really happy and outgoing. I dealt with bullying starting at age 8 and I got to learn from them everything that was 'wrong' with me.
On top of that the adults in my life always told me I talked too much and too loud. So growing up I turned into the opposite; barely talk and when I do, it's hard to hear. Now I deal with people saying I don't talk enough, or I'm too quiet.
I was taught that unless you had friends and a talent people could appreciate, you weren't normal. It's hard to grow up feeling like everything you do is wrong. Until I read up on it, I even blamed myself for having CP. So yeah I grew up ashamed of myself on many levels.
Whattt!? That's horrible! Whoever taught you that is the one(s?) who should feel ashamed
shame is just a concept, like every other idea we learn in life. if you learn to assign significance to tasks and challenges and you fail to achieve them, then you can go ahead and accept this shame concept. or you can be creative and decide you don't care about what most people believe should be shame-worthy or not and just do what you want and strut your stuff even if you suck at everything in life and everyone thinks you're living a "shameful" life.
shame is just a concept, like every other idea we learn in life. if you learn to assign significance to tasks and challenges and you fail to achieve them, then you can go ahead and accept this shame concept. or you can be creative and decide you don't care about what most people believe should be shame-worthy or not and just do what you want and strut your stuff even if you suck at everything in life and everyone thinks you're living a "shameful" life.
pretend life is a movie, and you're a dark, mysterious minor character on the bad guys' side. tell everyone you see: "don't come to me about nothing but money and b*****s"
pretend life is a movie, and you're a dark, mysterious minor character on the bad guys' side. tell everyone you see: "don't come to me about nothing but money and b*****s"
leather jacket helps too
i understand your point, but what if you're locked into a shame perception? i've never walked any road that wasn't filled with shame. it's almost like i need to essentially change my entire being and become a whole new person. is that even possible?
I think what destroys many adolescents, is the mass refusal of unasked love. Those that never even asked to be loved, but where instead bullied and physically and verbally abused for being different, and show hatred. They begin to feel shame and fear about who they are, because the bullies hate them, so there must be something wrong with them.
I think shame leads to a variety of problems, especially if it's what's sometimes referred to as toxic shame: the belief that there's something fundamentally wrong with oneself as opposed to one's actions.
Shame was a problem for me for many years. I still have many reservations because I know from decades of experience in class, at work, and from socializing that I'm too different to hope for more than a public persona earning me some surface acceptance, a lot of acquaintances, and a handful of friends. I know that what's beneath is alien and could write you a book on why, from Asperger's to depression to childhood trauma to perspectives I've never met another person with in 15+ years on the Internet.
In both these cases, it's fear or apprehension about what's beneath coming to the surface.
Though it shames me to admit it, i guess i've never been able to, for whatever reason, live a life based on what other people have taught me is successful.
you know like...
be likable, have friends, be confident, know what you want and then be fearless in your pursuit of it, get goods marks in school, excel in sports, have a body you're proud of, get a degree, find a job, find your soul mate, make money, settle down and have a family, and have kids that will do all the same stuff and will make you feel proud of them.
the truth is i've never at any stage of my life had the ability or courage to make any of that happen. so that's why i'm so ashamed of myself now and live with so much fear and sorrow. fear because i don't want people to see me as i am (a complete failure) and sorrow since when i compare myself to them i know how much better off they all seem to be.
i wish someone could tell me "don't worry, you're not like them, but they're not better than you, you've got your own road to follow. don't compare yourself to them. what's a success for them, doesn't have to be for you."
that would make me feel a lot better about myself.
I see as feeling worthy . Do I feel worthy for love ? Do I feel worthy to go outside ? Do I feel worthy for friends ? Do I feel worthy for freedom of speech ? I feel it does boil down to shame.
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