I'll start off with telling you all that I got PDD (Pervasive Development Disorder) Autism. Now I usually don't like telling the world because I'd prefer to keep it a secret...anyways I'm very high functional. However in my past you could kind of tell that I had it but I suppose throughout my high school years I out grew most of the neurological disorder. However, I seem to keep thinking that in every new situation I'm in, I believe that I'll mess up because I blame on my-self's capabilities because of my disability...now that right there should be fantasy right? I mean its not reality to keep thinking like that but for some reason its like my mind won't except it for some reason...almost like I have something dark locked far away in my mind that I can't remember why I think like this in the present. You could say it was a trauma of some sort but, I can recall from as much I can remember here to tell all of you. So as I was a child, I got bullied a lot from my big mouth talking from stuff I couldn't understand like others. Like for example, there was a Asian girl named Yuxi and there was a couple of guys asking me if I would want to ride her. Now laugh at this all you want but I really didn't understand this in Grade 7. So I said "Yes if she is a Taxi driver", they laughed and Yuxi looked at me shocked and said my name as she thought I was a creep. But the reason I said if she was Taxi driver was because I thought that if she decided to become a taxi driver in the future, I would accept to get a drive to somewhere from her but I also came up with that answer because switch Yu to Ta creating Taxi...I guess to sum it up I was trying to fit in by coming up with a joke from their question. Moving on...I remember there was times I've got rejected by people about events that I couldn't go to because of my behavior in school or maybe just me in general. My anger is one of the big things that I fear of, I hardly get angry anymore but I fear if it comes back I would break peoples hearts or something else entirely. When I was little I would scream, kick, punch or on rare occasions bite people. However, biting people was something I did until about 5 or 6 years old. The rest was until near the end of elementary. Heck at times I would even get bullied by my family from my actions but deep down I know they love me and show it too. I've been through way more but I prefer not to mention it all since some is personal...now if you're thinking that I hurt anyone with my anger the answer is not physically but more verbally. Except for the one time I pulled some of my sisters hair out...but I haven't done anything else worse than that and trust me...I felt sorry afterwards. Usually when I got really angry I would black out and I would do it out of trying to understand how the other person was feeling but it always seemed that I couldn't express different emotions during those times and I still struggle a bit of those right now but I've gotten better at it by observing a lot of the time and through experience. Although I remember one time I got so mad I threw my books across the music room in elementary school and lectured everyone in the class for like 5 minutes about how I felt; although I can't remember what I said. Sometimes I'm afraid that some of the emotions that I may use will have people reflect or treat me like a child but the reason I think of these things were the experiences I had when I acted out in the past. To be honest, I don't really like talking about my past because I want to keep living in the present but I'm telling everyone on this website because maybe I may learn something from all of you. Also I kindly ask all of you to not feel pity because these are mistakes from life experiences and like I just said before I'm here to grow. Basically you could say I'm going out of my comfort zone to lay all of this out here. Alright, I'm going to mention a few more things about how I got depressed. So the first time I got depressed was probably when I lost my ex-best friend from not understanding certain emotions and our problems in general in our relationship. Although, it didn't get worse until I moved to PEI doing nothing for a whole year in the middle of nowhere sitting like a duck on my computer. I became pretty much solitude and quiet. My friends back in Ontario noticed it. So now when I was living on my own at a landlord for about 8 months. I remember it was a scary experience and I had lots of anxiety to even go outside and do things; plus talking to the landlord. Sadly all I would do was watch Anime. Anyways I know that's kind of unhealthy but I do recall running a lot too at the gym to get out. Other than that I didn't do much else but go to college. So whenever I seen the landlady that was an old women, she would talk a lot but I would hardly say anything to her; I probably scared her sometimes. She even told me that I got to work on my conversations with people...I know I do; and isolating yourself can do this to you. After awhile I got to the point of taking her kitchen knife when she wasn't home and slightly began cutting myself on the arms. It got worse though, I even tried to attempt suicide in the college's school bathroom and I looked in the mirror at myself and I said "DO IT! JUST GET IT OVER WITH NOW!" then I heard someone coming and then I looked at myself with crazy eyes and said "You're too late!"...I know that was crazy; but I really was in a dark place at that time. I'm not like that anymore so there's nothing to worry about here. I met a couple of friends during this time and they really got me out of it. I really thank them a lot and feel grateful to call them my friends. But it doesn't end there...then came another time after when I began working at part time job and still do. With Autism we seem to go into a little shell hiding our social conversations to a limit because were sometimes afraid of the outcome of something new. Like for example, my workers will ask me to do something and I'll just say okay or no problem. To customers I'll say no worries really quickly or sometimes no problem. I've done small talk to some of them but nothing really into a long conversation. But also to my co-workers as well. I just get this fear that I'll lose my job because of my past. One thing you got to know about me, is that I'm person who speaks full truth and cannot hide my emotions to anyone. It can be a down side but also an upside too. Anyways, I should of mention that I was given depression and anti-psychotic medication. A lot people say it doesn't work, and really it does help I suppose but it takes time. But I've been doing research and there is ways you can beat depression without having the use of medication but you got to be able to have the inner-self confidence to push yourself to do it. Now as time progressed, I got depressed at work and it scared the people because I wouldn't say anything pretty much to them. Then it came to having suicidal thoughts again, I wanting to drive away from here and silt my wrists or my neck in my car. But I once again thank the friends who've supported me. Actually now that I think about it, I even helped someone out of suicide recently and she was a friend from grade 5. She took shock therapy and said that it really helped her. It made me happy 
The problem with me is three reasons of my depression. 1. I didn't take commitment for myself to change. 2. I let my inner-consensus reflect the bad things on my past. 3. I isolated myself for too long. Because I never used to be that way so much, I used to go outside and fun playing around with my friends. But no, I mean I can still do it but more maturely obviously and I'm going to say this...I have already done it. Sometimes we all wonder if we all didn't do enough, but I believe to achieve happiness and goals of your dreams; you must take one step at a time. A bouncer told me that when I first heard those words and I'll never forget it even to everyone else who has said it. So yeah, I'm working on trying to not jump to conclusions and to work on seeing the full picture on reality..not a fantasy. One last thing, I believe I do not hear voices but more rather abstract inner-conscience thoughts that make no sense; like I used to make noises and say the weirdest shit as a kid. It's not as bad now but yeah I thought I would lastly mention that to you guys. Overall, I'm doing my best to move forward and I'm on my way to pursue my next goal in my life at this moment and that's joining the Canadian Armed Forces. I've heard it can be stressful but I think it's something I've always wanted to do but I didn't realize it till recently. So yeah, if any of you guys got experiences, advice or anything you would like to ask and or say in this thread; feel free.
The problem with me is three reasons of my depression. 1. I didn't take commitment for myself to change. 2. I let my inner-consensus reflect the bad things on my past. 3. I isolated myself for too long. Because I never used to be that way so much, I used to go outside and fun playing around with my friends. But no, I mean I can still do it but more maturely obviously and I'm going to say this...I have already done it. Sometimes we all wonder if we all didn't do enough, but I believe to achieve happiness and goals of your dreams; you must take one step at a time. A bouncer told me that when I first heard those words and I'll never forget it even to everyone else who has said it. So yeah, I'm working on trying to not jump to conclusions and to work on seeing the full picture on reality..not a fantasy. One last thing, I believe I do not hear voices but more rather abstract inner-conscience thoughts that make no sense; like I used to make noises and say the weirdest shit as a kid. It's not as bad now but yeah I thought I would lastly mention that to you guys. Overall, I'm doing my best to move forward and I'm on my way to pursue my next goal in my life at this moment and that's joining the Canadian Armed Forces. I've heard it can be stressful but I think it's something I've always wanted to do but I didn't realize it till recently. So yeah, if any of you guys got experiences, advice or anything you would like to ask and or say in this thread; feel free.
