Battling 10 years of mental illness

dannyboy65

Well-known member
I've been thinking a lot and it occurred to me that I've been battling my mental illness for 10 years. In those 10 years I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder, bi polar disorder, and schizophrenia. I guess it really started with bullying where my only friend was my cousin. But when I got to grade 5 she was diagnosed with cancer. A year later my cousin lost her battle and I remember putting a doll on her casket, she was only 9.

After that the bullying got worse and the people who I thought were my friends betrayed me and hurt me to look cool. I started to develop depression and anxiety, it caused me to hurt myself. My parents had to check my wrists and stomach along with my legs to make sure I wasn't hurting myself, I was 11.

I began to have panic attacks hourly for years. I rarely ate or slept. I was always panicking about nothing. I'd get such bad panic attacks I would puke. I eventually developed an eating disorder where I would choke and puke. I still remember all those years every night crippled because of my anxiety and crying so much cause I was so scared.

Eventually all of the anxiety and depression worsened and worsened. I wanted to die, but I was so scared of death cause I didn't know what would happen. So instead I began to hurt myself more and more.

When I was 14 I began to hear things. Voices would haunt my mind and scream at me, they would whisper, tell me how pathetic I am. To this day I still hear them. They caused me to start blacking out in anger and hurting people I never wanted to hurt. They started to control my life and it built up more of my anxiety and depression. I was starting to lose myself.

Eventually I went to drinking and drugs to try and stop this pain. It only made it worse but I didn't stop I needed to have that moment of happiness. For 3 years I would abuse and spiral down to the bottom. I began to steal and hurt my family. I beat my father, I beat my brothers, I verbally abused my mother. I was apathetic and I didn't care. All I wanted was to get high or drunk and be alone. Every night I would get high and fall asleep. It never helped my mental illness it only hid it.

I hated those years of my life. They made the voices worse, the anxiety stronger, depression worse, and even made it hard for me to control my emotions. Because of those 3 years my mental illness spiraled out of control. I was eventually put in the hospital for trying to kill myself. I was there for a week, all they did was stick me in a room with a guard and I sat there for a week waiting for it to pass. Eventually I lied and said I was better and proved it. Honestly I have always been a good liar, I hate that about me but it's true. Because of my lying and way with words I got myself out of a lot of bad situations and if there was no way of saving myself I was able to get the smallest punishment.

Well after I got out of the hospital I tried to kill myself again. I remember putting a bag over my head and tying it. I remember it getting hard to breath and then it started to get very dark. I started to panic cause darkness was surrounding and before I passed out I ripped a hole in the bag. I couldn't believe I almost killed myself, but that time I kept it a secret.

Eventually I went back to drugs and drinking and would continue this till college.

College changed my life, all because of the people I would meet. I quit drinking and drugs. I met my life coach who to this day I still work with. He taught me how to live without that stuff. He helped me get the right meds for me. He helped me have confidence I've never had before. For once I had friends and I had people who liked me.

But there is one feeling I found that made me feel like the best person ever, and that was caring for people. I started going to a senior home and realized this people appreciated me. I feel like I can be myself around them, and because of that I pursued a career to help them. Hell I even made best friends with someone who has severe autism and every time he sees me he hugs me non stop. Knowing I can make a difference in someones life is like a new medication for me. I still take my meds as prescribed, but I know I can live a sober life and still be happy. Hell I even have a girlfriend who treats me like gold.

I'm just here to tell you that you guys can make it through anything you just have to keep pushing. If mistakes are made just know that they make you stronger. Thanks for reading :), sorry about the long story I just felt like writing.
 
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