arsenalwa's Journal

arsenalwa

Well-known member
I hate being the center of attention. But I've been feeling the need to vent and offload my thoughts somewhere more than ever lately, so I thought it was about time I got one of these. This thread will most likely be full of complaining and depressed crap that no-one will read or know what to reply to - and that's ok, it will just make me feel better to type it all out somewhere - and random music.

So, yeah, be excited :rolleyes:
 

arsenalwa

Well-known member
I need to get this all out before my mind explodes. I think writing all of this out is the main reason I made this thread.

- I'm sick of living from day to day; of feeling a bit less human with every new day that passes. I feel like a robot. A dysfunctional, thrown away one, too. Lifeless, hopeless, pointless, directionless, forgotten, uncared about, on my own on a planet full of people. Like if I just disappeared no-one would care or even notice. I haven't cried in years, even when I was suicidal, I just can't cry anymore. The only times I feel human are when I listen to music or dream in my sleep. Even that is becoming rare.

- I'm sick of doing things I don't want to do, living a life I don't want to live. It's always been the same. Even when I work hard to achieve something, like passing the last year of college's exams that I'm having these days in the middle of this lonliness and depression - which makes it incredibly hard to concentrate on studying and I really put in some effort to do ok in most of them so far - I end up not feeling good that I've done so, but rather ashamed of myself for wasting so much energy on another thing I never chose or wanted to do. I study something in college that I've hated all my life. I just gotta do ok there not to have more troubles with my family.

- I'm sick of knowing that depression is now my normal state. Even when I feel kinda 'ok' sometimes - which is rare - I know that it won't last long, which it never does. Looking at older posts of myself on here that were kinda cheerful makes me wonder at how much more depressed and cynical I've got in the last few months. I can't relate to or admire or be interested in or see beauty in anything that is not at least in a way somewhat dark or melancholy anymore.

- I'm sick of the constant ridicule and hatred that I see all around me everywhere I go; of society and how fake and shallow and full of hypocrisy it is; of the way most people live their life now.

- I'm sick of being oddly immaterialistic in a place where everybody I know is 100% materialistic. I'm sick of not showing any of these thoughts or feelings in real life and of only being able to express myself through text, and even so not that good. I'm sick of my family and how they treat me like I'm crazy or worthless and try to pressure me even more cause I don't care about most of what their lives are all about.

- I'm sick of feeling helpless to do anything to help those I care about or myself; of people not taking me seriously; of living inside my head for far too long; of feeling not good enough; of living in my own surreal, fantasy world that is so detached from reality all my life; of all this repetition.

- I'm sick of just being sick of this planet. It's a beautiful place in itself yet humans make it seem so ugly. Life could be much more simple and beautiful.

I haven't said enough. If I let myself this post would fill up the whole page. But I need to go study so I'll stop now. I finish exams on tuesday. I know that I'll still be feeling down then but at least I'll be free to do a few things I love and not feel pressured to study something I truly hate in the middle of feeling like this, eh?

P.S. I feel bad for anyone who might have read that!
 
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