Anxious around girls (breasts)

[Baggies99]

I think I may have a phobia.

I was brought up Christian, and somewhere along the line a developed view in my head that "breasts" should not be on view. This was not passed on from parents, of pastors. It was my own reasoning. I felt they should be private.

Around 10 years ago I started noticing that I noticed breast more. It was in a time of stress, and it settle.

But around six months ago, through a time of major stress at work and home, something seemed to break. I had a real fear of looking at breasts. I would meet up with a female an my first thoughts where "don't look". Because I was thinking this, the conversation was hard to focus. I was feel uneasy, and feel that I was looking. At times I would feel that the girl, was responding. Either to my unease, or to my glancing down.

It started only with girls with low tops, or flesh exposed, and developed to literally any definition. I feel I make them feel uneasy.

At one point I felt I had two options, 1) blind myself 2) die.

I have a beautiful wife and three kids which keep me going. My wife knows all about this. At times this seems so stupid, and how could it even be an issue. Other times, I am anxious to even meet people. I can stand in front of 1000 people and give a talk, but put me fast to face with a lady with a slightly exposed chest, and it's like facing a spider.

It not attraction. I don't even get that luxury. It just pure anxiety, that I will look and, she will notice, and think less of me.

I had noticed the same thing before when I met someone with a face injury and I felt the same. The compulsion to look, when everything said don't.

Has anyone had similar,

Did you get specific professional help!

What do you advise?

 

[Diend]

i just thought of breasts as slabs of meat hanging from a female's chest... or some males' for a matter of fact. just skin.

 

[MikeyC]

Sounds like you're just psyching yourself out. Usually, after a while, you'll be able to talk to girls without the need to remember not to look, and you'll feel less anxious. I feel the only cure is more exposure to conversations with women. While it sounds daunting, the more you do it, the more comfortable you'll be.

 

[surewhynot]

Maybe try to face your fear. Your wife could help there.

 

[theoutsider]

Here you go. There was a pretty good six page discussion about that very same thing a little while ago. You aren't alone!

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/wierd-social-phobia-48785/

 

[Baggies99]

I think more exposure and normalising is key. Wil read through the post link very helpful outsider, thanks, I have loads of other factors that's kicked it of like a Perfect storm. Just woul loved to hear for someone that us beaten it and how they did it.

 

[Nazim]

Sounds like you're just psyching yourself out. Usually, after a while, you'll be able to talk to girls without the need to remember not to look, and you'll feel less anxious. I feel the only cure is more exposure to conversations with women. While it sounds daunting, the more you do it, the more comfortable you'll be.

Exactly what Mikey said

 

[Sacrament]

The more you think about it, the more likely it is that you'll be compelled to look at them. And hey, breasts are pretty cool.

 

[Baggies99]

The root issue is guilt. I.e They should not be looked at and if I do I fail. Seriously without being to graphic, it could be an old women and still an issue. It is not attraction, but a self created rule. The anxiety means that you first check to make sure the females are dressed safe. If not u start to panic. Which it comes to eye contact you find it hard to keep it. Conversation is useless as you can't concentrate because u just think. Don't look. I totally understand this is self perpetuated. What techniques can help, apart from flying to live with an Amazonian tribe with no clothes.

 

[Odo]

I think that some people have been responding to this thread based on their own issues and haven't really been listening, which is often the case on this forum.

I think your issue stems from your religious upbringing and your views on sex, which are probably puritanical and repressive. You have been taught that indulging your 'base' impulses is somehow evil in the sight of God and others... and I think that this has probably combined with a breast fetish in a really unhealthy way. You don't like that you're being 'tempted' by female sexuality so you project that need to control your own urges onto women, which is why you feel like they should cover themselves up.

But this isn't their issue, it's yours.

It's not unlike homosexuality, where if you keep shoving it down and being afraid of it, you'll probably become homophobic, start hating in 'disgusting' gays for being too open with their sexuality, etc.

Repression and denial aren't going to do you any good and if you want to face this issue you're going to need to develop a healthier perspective on sex in general. I don't think God is going to hate you for liking breasts. As far as fetishes go, you could do a whole lot worse.

I would suggest experimenting with your wife in a 'safe' context. There is nothing wrong with indulging a fetish within the confines of martial sex, and once you've explored this fetish thoroughly it might even eventually go away-- at the very least, it probably won't be ruining your life anymore.

 

[Baggies99]

I think that some people have been responding to this thread based on their own issues and haven't really been listening, which is often the case on this forum.

I think your issue stems from your religious upbringing and your views on sex, which are probably puritanical and repressive. You have been taught that indulging your 'base' impulses is somehow evil in the sight of God and others... and I think that this has probably combined with a breast fetish in a really unhealthy way. You don't like that you're being 'tempted' by female sexuality so you project that need to control your own urges onto women, which is why you feel like they should cover themselves up.

But this isn't their issue, it's yours.

It's not unlike homosexuality, where if you keep shoving it down and being afraid of it, you'll probably become homophobic, start hating in 'disgusting' gays for being too open with their sexuality, etc.

Repression and denial aren't going to do you any good and if you want to face this issue you're going to need to develop a healthier perspective on sex in general. I don't think God is going to hate you for liking breasts. As far as fetishes go, you could do a whole lot worse.

I would suggest experimenting with your wife in a 'safe' context. There is nothing wrong with indulging a fetish within the confines of martial sex, and once you've explored this fetish thoroughly it might even eventually go away-- at the very least, it probably won't be ruining your life anymore.

I think there are some truths in what you say. I don't generally have extreme views on sex. I have a good, healthy, sexual relationship with my wife and with no concerns of shame. I have been married for 10 years, and all of a sudden the issue is with my wife too. I do believe part of come from my religious belief, but I believe I made choices which distorted it. That coupled with stress weakened my ability to cope.

I have be going through cbt, to deal with some of the negative thoughts which also are not helping. It is more complicated because it is also not a sexual thing. This was just yen starting point. Eg if I met someone with a mole on their face it would be the same. Don't look... Crap I keep looking... The girl/breast thing is more extreme because I feel that they notice, and then they make an assumption. The amount of post I read about girls asking why guys looks at their breast. I don't enjoy looking. Some of the people I would not find pretty, it's all fear and anxiety. So I am working on it.

 

[onehandclapping]

I get the same when noticing something out of the ordinary. like someone has a funny accent, or a huge mole. i'm distracted by it, I don't want to be and tbh I would rather things were just normal. i'm actually envious of people that can hold a regular conversation with people without staring or noticing these things. it seems like such a trivial thing to be envious of but people that have normal social skills I really do feel are better at getting along with others.

 

[Bronson99]

Odo, how is this a fetish? I thought that attraction to natural feminine curves is a normal thing, with evolutionary reasons behind it. While culture plays a role here, it's irrelevant on this particular subject--this is more of an instinctual response.

(Off-topic I know, but just felt like weighing in)

 

[Kiwong]

The definition of this as a sexual fetish is completely off the mark. This suggests sexual arousal, but as Baggies points out there is no attraction at all, just a fear of embarrassment. The thought goes, they'll think I am dickhead if I look at that, and you do anyway. It's like saying don't press the delete button on the computer, and that's all you can think about.

And I agree with Bronson, when he suggests it is an instinctual response.

I understand Baggies when he says, there can be a whole range of triggers for this kind of anxiety. Like I said in another post, my triggers are a list pages long, sleepy eyes, withered arms, arm hair, crotches, bare feet, cleavage, sweaty armpits, rings, nose rings, ear rings. It has nothing to do with attraction at all.

Before I talk to someone, I ascertain if any triggers are present, if they are the anxiety levels go through the roof, just as Baggies has stated.

People react to me with anger, derision, name calling, labelling. So I have started telling everyone that I have this kind of anxiety. I think this has helped, although it was a frightening thing to do. I've seen a psychologist. I try to get out there and face my fears.

My strategy is to confront my fears, this worked for beating panic disorder. I challenged the panic to show me what it had, and when it gave it worst and I was still standing, it lost its power.

 

[Odo]

Odo, how is this a fetish? I thought that attraction to natural feminine curves is a normal thing, with evolutionary reasons behind it. While culture plays a role here, it's irrelevant on this particular subject--this is more of an instinctual response.

(Off-topic I know, but just felt like weighing in)

It doesn't have to be something 'abnormal' to be a fetish, and the reason I call it a fetish is because it involves a body part as opposed to a whole person or an entire gender.

I say this because he said that he thought it appropriate for women to cover their breasts and arrived at this on his own. This is a signifier for repression-- much like the reason Islamic women 'need' to cover themselves is because otherwise they will awaken 'unclean' desires in men. It's a kind of projection.

I guess the theory behind this is that when these kinds of things are repressed in a culture that doesn't favor repression, they can result in anxieties.

I wasn't suggesting that he is feeling aroused by these women... more like he has repressed a natural desire and it has now evolved into irrational fears and aversions.

 

[Baggies99]

Is a fetish not turning a body part (often that is not sexual) into something sexual. Like feet or ears. To be honest the issue is wider than breasts. They are just the main trigger. I am more of a bum guy tbh. I have no particular strong desire either way on it. I mean I do find them attractive. I am a normal guy that way. Mind are just weird. I do care too much what people think of me. Maybe that is another root issue. Maybe I put an unhealthy wait on what people think of me therefore, I respond more irrationally. Frustrating

 

[Lavinialuna]

I am a mother who has spent years breastfeeding, I can only imagine this would be a nightmare for you to see a woman nursing in public (if you find yourself in this situation, please be kind because it takes SO MUCH courage to nurse in public.) It's a great thing a mother can do for her baby and herself health wise. We need to normalize breasts as a society. They are more than sexual playthings, they serve a great purpose. I hope you can make peace with your anxiety. Breasts are actually quite lovely!
Of course if I was Freud I would want to know if you yourself were breastfed. I think breasts would be a comfort to people who were breastfed as they were the source for motherly comfort as an infant.

 

[Kiwong]

Lavinialuna, with all due respect I think you should read the original poster's post. This is is an anxiety, a fear of looking, at a range of triggers out of fear of being embarassed . The poster would rather do anything than look, they'd not want to talk to you at all, they'd look away while you were breast feeding. Perhaps you might respect their right to be uncomfortable.

This thread is not about gawking at someone while they are breastfeeding.

I hope you can make peace with your own anxieties, they are of course as real and as debilitating as Baggies.

 

[Bronson99]

My apologies for confusing matters a little.

The OP's problem with looking at the bust, and the anxiety it causes, probably has little to do with attraction.

My point about fetishes is not quite on-topic.. but to restate it anyway, I'm just saying I don't think getting aroused by a curvy part of the female body qualifies as a fetish. Maybe in the strictest technical sense it could. But in general I think this assumption is annoying. I've not met a straight man yet who doesn't like any of the female curves. It seems to be built-in, cultural influence coming secondary to that.

 

[theoutsider]

I am a mother who has spent years breastfeeding, I can only imagine this would be a nightmare for you to see a woman nursing in public (if you find yourself in this situation, please be kind because it takes SO MUCH courage to nurse in public.) It's a great thing a mother can do for her baby and herself health wise. We need to normalize breasts as a society. They are more than sexual playthings, they serve a great purpose. I hope you can make peace with your anxiety. Breasts are actually quite lovely!
Of course if I was Freud I would want to know if you yourself were breastfed. I think breasts would be a comfort to people who were breastfed as they were the source for motherly comfort as an infant.

This is a totally different situation, Lavinialuna. This isn't a situation where breasts are being seen as sexual objects. This is about the anxiety that some feel when it comes to looking inappropriately. We don't want to do it however, the thought that we shouldn't gets stuck in our heads so that not looking inappropriately is all that we think about. This, of course, causes problems of trying (and failing) to act normal. Attractiveness has nothing to do with it.