Another personal story about SA

Anonymous

Well-known member
Like so many here, I thought it might be useful to tell my story of life with Social Anxiety. At the very least maybe you’ll find it interesting, althought I fear it got a little long. I think my SA is a little different than most. Luckily, it’s not crippling for me, and I guess I’ve learned to cope via logic, stubbornness, determination, shame and anger. Perhaps it has even helped me in some ways.

I’m 31 and male. I’m not ugly, but neither am I beautiful. Pretty plain looking overall. I began to realize I had SA about 4 years ago when talk shows and ads started discussing it. I have most of the classic symptoms (live like a hermit, despise the phone, feel like everyone is judging me or making fun of me, worry I’m putting people out, blush, make excuses to avoid any social activities, etc.) but overall have adjusted to live with it; I guess I’m fortunate in that regard. I can certainly appreciate how SA could totally ruin a life. I have two master’s degrees, a good job, solid performance reviews, and I am hoping for a promotion soon. I work as an engineer, which is probably a pretty good field for someone with SA. You get to work alone and people almost expect you to be socially awkward.

I’ve always been quiet. My older sister talked non-stop and I never really had much opportunity while growing up. I grew up on a farm in Iowa, and there were no kids my age around. Otherwise, my family was picture perfect; certainly no abuse or addictions or anything like that. In early elementary school I was fairly outgoing, but as the social scene evolved, cliques formed and popularity because an issue – I began the early signs of SA. I remember one moment in 5th grade that probably changed my life. During lunch Buzzy (really, that’s his name) was making fun of everything I said and everyone was laughing at me. I decided then that if I said nothing he’d have nothing to make fun of. I’m sure that revelation had long-lasting effects; it’s what started my conversion to a serious introvert.

Junior High was just a bad time, but that’s an almost universal truth. My two best friends had moved away and I never really felt comfortable with the people who were left. I guess nothing too bad happened, except someone said the meanest thing to me I’ve ever heard. A girl I would have labeled as a minor friend turned to me once as we talked and said “God, shut your face. You’re ugly as sin.” It was totally out of the blue and said with such malice that I can’t but believe she meant it. 18 years later I still think about it.

But things got worse in high school. I was small for my age, and one of the youngest in my class. I was always afraid of being physically hurt or bullied. My school was about as boring and safe as you can get, so perhaps it wasn’t a justified fear. But I was tripped, pushed, slapped, shoved and had the books knocked from my hands numerous times, so I lived in fear of those events. What if a cheerleader saw my humiliation, or one of my ‘friends’? I tried to move between classes as fast as possible. My whole high school goal became not to be noticed. I never spoke up, wore interesting clothes, or did anything that would draw attention to me. I was not unpopular, but had no real friends – at least no one I would feel comfortable calling on the phone or asking to hang-out with me.

It was during high school I became very sensitive about my intelligence. I was a very good student, but had just missed out on the honors classes (because assignment to them is really done in 8th grade, which wasn’t my best academic year. Miss out then and you’re screwed forever. Stupid system) so the really good students never took me seriously. Somehow, being considered dumb became a worry of mine. The good news is it pushed me to succeed in school.

The only semi-good year in high-school was my senior year, when I was no longer terrified, was confident in my intelligence and had developed a few real friends (at least what I classify as friends). I knew a few girls (popular ones even) well enough that they thought I was sweet. But not well enough for romance.

No history of high school would be complete without mentioning the girl I was crazy for. I was in love the first time I saw her in 7th grade. We became good friends in 8th grade and stayed that way for a few years. I finally asked her out my junior year. She said ‘no,’ which didn’t surprise me … she was out of my league. But that caused our relationship to go downhill and she ignored me a few times in ways that really hurt. Too be fair, maybe I did some dumb things. If it was anyone else I would have shaken it off, but she wasn’t the type to be rude. Even today I’m not sure what to make of the way our relationship collapsed.

I went out-of-state for college and had a pretty good time in the dorms for 2 years and even made some friends. I guess my SA was almost in remission, but I was still shy and quiet. I made one decision about college that I now almost regret: I decided that grades came first. I studied one of the hardest majors you can have (to prove to people I wasn’t dumb), and I demanded of myself that I get good grades (same reason). I’m smart, but certainly not gifted; I earned my grades by a lot of hard work. This meant I locked my door and studied while others were out socializing. I’m sure SA also played a part in that choice. In hindsight, I should have let the grades slip a tad and honed my social skills. By my junior/senior years I no longer had any classes with my friends from the first years and became a recluse.

My grades were good enough to get me a fellowship at an excellent university. Grad school was much the same and was 18 months of studying alone. Perhaps the only difference was I was surrounded by truly gifted people. Honestly, I wasn’t in their intellectual league, and if you’ve read this far you know how I feel about looking stupid. I think that’s part of the reason I didn’t socialize. I did have one good friend in grad school. He was outgoing and incredibly good-looking. He could see the difference in me when I was alone with him and when I clammed up around others. He tried to bring me out of my shell, without much luck. But really, I’m not sure being friends with him helped me any. It made me more self-conscious. We regularly walked across campus together and I realized how good some people had life. He was so handsome that women (gorgeous ones) routinely smiled at him, said ‘hello’, turned their heads to look at him and even approached him in bars. In all my life I’ve never had that happen to me. He’d get 5 such encounters walking a few hundred yards between buildings. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I think about it often and wish I’d been as fortunate.

After graduation I got an ok job, but it has been at work that SA really came to dominate my life. I work alone, live alone, have no real friends and don’t know if I really want any. I never, ever go out looking to meet people. I just can’t talk to strangers. I go blank. I feel safe and secure at home. No one judges me, I can make all the mistakes I want. I hate it when a vendor takes me out to lunch as I have to try to talk for an hour. I’m bad at it. Worse, perhaps, I just don’t care about them. I have to ask about their family or whatever when it is of no personal interest to me.

For some reason, public speaking does not bother me that much. I’m nervous before hand, but once I get going I’m fine. After about five minutes, I can actually enjoy it – provided it’s work related. The few speeches or papers I had to do for school that were about ‘me’ were hard. Needless to say, I fabricated a story and that helped me get by. I hope teachers and professors realize how hard sharing personal details can be for some.

When I realized my SA was a problem, I went to night school to get an MBA to see if I couldn’t overcome this situation. It didn’t help, in fact working with idiot teams turned me off of people even more than before. I got the degree and graduated in the top 15% of my class; I would have been closer to the top if I hadn’t continually gotten knocked down for lack of class participation. But making comments and expressing my thoughts on business cases was terrifying. I couldn’t do it. Don’t ask me why I can give a prepared presentation but can’t raise my hand in class. I don’t know.

It was at this time that a couple I thought were my friends abandoned me. I guess they didn’t like me - because they sure as hell quit talking to me. I really liked them and often think about what I did wrong.

You may have noticed I’ve not mentioned anything about girlfriends. Well, there haven’t been any. Not one. Not even close. Not a single date or even a kiss. Ever. I’ve only been hugged once, but I don’t think that counts as anything since I helped her move her luggage. I never got a single note passed to me in high school or sent one of the traditional Christmas candy canes. I can’t recall anyone ever flirting with me. When I was in grad school I began to realize I didn’t have the skills to date and that it would be too embarrassing. What woman would want someone who can’t kiss and doesn’t have a clue about relationships or dating? Would she tell my friends or co-workers about my failures? As I get older, those fears grow worse. I don’t even try anymore; it’s been five years since I’ve even thought of asking for a date. I’ve seen a few of those dating shows on TV, and I realize I just don’t have the right stuff. I have no confidence, just self-consciousness. I also know that I can’t open up to anyone.

I haven’t asked that many girls out, but I saw the pain on their faces when they had to tell me ‘no.’ I guess that’s one of the reasons I stopped, I realized it was mean to put them in an uncomfortable situation. Now, I realize that I am too boring and sad and paranoid to keep them - if ever I could get a date. I’ll never go on a blind date because I can’t carry-on a conversation with a strange girl. Fortunately, no one has ever offered to set me up on one. I’m not sure if that fact should hurt my feelings or not. I (wrongly) believe my best chance to get a girl is through sympathy and pity, so I don’t make much effort to act positive. Probably not a great strategy, but what ya gonna do? To top it all off I think I’ve become a misogynist. Oh, I still worship women, but I hate them all the same and can’t really relate to them. To me they aren’t people, but walking/talking reminders that I’m a loser.

Today SA is in full swing, but I get by. People think I’m odd and quiet, but I don’t think anyone suspects the real cause. I’m sure my co-workers know I don’t date, I just wonder what they say about it. I don’t take up any interesting hobbies because people might talk to me about them, or I might not be good at them. I still just want to be anonymous.

This letter is probably getting too long, but stick with me for one more topic I don’t see discussed often here: feeling sorry for oneself. I am a world-class, black-belted master of this. It’s bad and negative and I shouldn’t do it – but to me it is bliss. That part of the brain must be wedged up tight against the pleasure sensors. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy and comfortable and secure. I know that feeling sorry for myself is something I can always do and it can’t be taken away. It’s my crutch, my blanket, my shield. I fall asleep every night ‘fantasizing’ about girls hating me. When I wake up I spend 15 minutes thinking about how my co-workers hate me and how I can possibly get through the day. Do other people with SA feel this way?

I also know I suffer from some minor depression, but I’m used to it and not sure I’ve ever known anything else. Again, it is almost comforting in its persistent presence. On those rare nights when I feel happy I wonder why I spend so much time allowing myself to be sad depressed. But most nights, I wonder what I’m to do with my life. Is it just another 50 years of this then death? I’m not suicidal, although I’ll confess to ‘fantasizing’ about how sorry and guilty everyone would feel if I did it. But I won’t.

So that’s my story. This is the way I am and I’ve never really considered seeing a therapist. You’ll probably advise me to do that, but I know I won’t. I’m not going to go to church or seek out a support group. I think this is with me for life. That’s ok. It’s bearable. I’ve grown to dislike people enough that I don’t think I even care to rejoin society. I’ll get by.
 

MarCPatt

Well-known member
Sad. Sad story and life.

Dear Jaasx,

It makes me very sad to know that you have given up and are refusing to give yourself a chance to have a better life. But like many say, you can not force anyone to change if they do not want to change. :cry:
 

Orlando

Well-known member
Hi,Jaasx!

I used to feel the same way. I lived through my books and reading. I also liked drawing and it used up most of my freetime. That was throughout undergrad and grad school. Like you, my college education came first. For me, I did not want leech off my brothers and sisters. My SA pushed me through my education because my education was the only seperated myself from the other students. No one else devoted their time to studying than myself. (Atleast that is what I thought!)
I hated other people so much because I felt they cause me pain. They were the one's who created my anxiety. They were the ones who talked behind my back and made fun of me. They were the ones who hated me and forced me to even hate myself! I was full of anger toward myself, to others, my family, and to God.
MarCPatt is right. You make the choice on what you want to do. I just want to say that the world is not as painful and lonely as you may perceive it to be. Think out side the box. If the box causes you pain then throw it out.
By the way, I never seriously dated either. Approaching women frightened me. However, there is a girl at my college who I friends with who I like very much and hope to spend more time with. I have no idea if it will work. I'm working through her friends. Keep your fingers crossed for me, as I will keep my fingers crossed for you
 

neddy

Well-known member
Jaasx

I agree with the last 2 replys, the only person who can change you is yourself. Feeling sorry for yourself and expecting pity for the way you are wont work.

I also had a rough time going through school, I was considered an outcast as i wore glasses and an hearing aid, my glasses used to get buckled when we had swimming lessons, got whacked in the ear so the hearing aid used to go flying, used to get hit and verbally abused which to this day has affected me but I'm not putting my life on hold because of it.

As for not dating I haven't really had much experience in that department either, take it from someone who deals with intoxicated males alot and they are always sleezing on to me each day, I am beginning to dislike males in a big way. I'm female and I'm beginning to hate males just like you hate females. We are not a piece of meat. Everyone needs to be treated with respect.

Its abit hard to offer any advice as you aren't really interested in helping yourself, I also live like a hermit, in isolation, have got no friends but I refuse to feel sorry for myself and am trying to fix it up. The time will come when you have had enough and want to do something about it.
 

Jess333

Well-known member
I would want a person like that! I consider myself to be a good-looking female, and i would totally go for a person like that. becuase it's the PERSON INSIDE of you is what i would care about. it's what a lot of less-surface level people go for. if they can't see that, then you don't want them anyway trust me.

what i don't like is to see people like that who begin to hate the world. and they get SO JADED. then, it becomes alllll about hate and anger, and no one wants to be around that. you have to make peace with yourself. and hey! SAnxiety groups would be a good place to meet girls.

don't worry, we can ALWAYS change. always! even if you're 60 or 80! you always have NOW, to choose to change.

don't give up, win..do everything in your power to beat this...to FIND WHAT YOU"RE LOOKING FOR AND WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF THIS LIFE.

hey nothing is PERFECT. learn to work around some things. if you're having trouble finding a date NOW, it's ok..try other ways..SA groups??
 

aleksandra

Member
jaasx said:
So that’s my story. This is the way I am and I’ve never really considered seeing a therapist. You’ll probably advise me to do that, but I know I won’t. I’m not going to go to church or seek out a support group. I think this is with me for life. That’s ok. It’s bearable. I’ve grown to dislike people enough that I don’t think I even care to rejoin society. I’ll get by.
Hi Jaasx and everyone, you'll all have to excuse my english as its not my native language, but I had a lot of practise lately reading these posts and all :lol: . Anyhow, Jaasx, I think the reason you even posted your story means that you actually do want to do something about it. I read somewhere that fighting SA takes a lot of couridge and will, and the main thing is that you have to be persistant. Nothing comes over night. It was a very helpfull advice for me, as i finally see its actually working. I use to think that i always make one step forward and two steps back, and i use to get disscouridged easily and thought ahh whats the use, i can never beat it and its so stresfull even trying. But the fact is that the brain just doesnt work that way. You need to train it so it can adopt new thinking patterns. For me the real recovery started when i finally realized this- the thoughts were affecting my feelings and the other way around. So in every situation that was causing my anxiety i started telling myself, ok i wont try too hard to beat my fear, i wont forse myself too much ill just take it easy and try to concentrate on things that are happening around me, not ME. And things got better instantly. Also i read that self concsiusness (is that the word??) doesnt do any good if you let it using you insted of you using it ( :? if that makes sence, once again keep in mind my rather poor english in explaining these things), and that communicating and socializing with people is actually an unconscious process, so thinking in advance what you'll say or how you'll act (too much self concsiusness) only gets in the way of those natural unconscious processes that most of the people even don't think about.
I expended the story a bit, but the point is that you can beat the fear and make yourself feel better and gain self confidence, I finally realized it and I'm so anxiouss to share it with you all! IT IS POSSIBLE.
Jaasx, you can see that you're not alone feeling this way and if anyone made progress no metter how bad they use to feel (look at Jess333 :D ) you can do it too. You found the right place to be understood and share your feelings, as we've all been there. You just have to learn what works best for you, and learn to control your negative thoughts. Its easily said then done, I know, but you have to realize it needs training as everything else. As for the will for all that, you have to find it in yourself. Noone even here can help you with that, yet I'm sure there is enough will and strength in you as you are good in your job, you wish to make progress and affirmation, so why would you wanna do that then? Think about it.
One more thing. I want to thank you all, as your stories helped a lot too, especially Jess333 as I find her posts so much encoridging and its really good to have such a high spirit, i really admire you Jess333, I think you made it, or at least you're very very close!!!
By the way, this is my first post here, but i think I'm gonna stick around for a while. I'm so glad I found you guys! :D
See you all soon, hang in there!!
[/quote]
 

Jess333

Well-known member
Aleksandra,

Thank you :D. You're seeing a light out of the darkness huh? You don't know how happy that makes me. Good for you! I can see from your words that you see and you really have the "cure" in your hands and all you have to do is fine tune-it and keep it always with you and you will find/feel peace. You have another chance at LIFE and happiness.

Something that we all were foreign to. And that's not natural, there was/is something that we were off track on and that needed to be corrected, but I'll tell you, I have been so humbled by this experience that when I do feel peace, when I feel that relief from all the mental torture I put myself through, it's like the world becomes such a beautiful place.

Peace be with you.

Jessica
 

Jess333

Well-known member
Colette, a famous French writer said...


"I've really had a wonderful life, I only wish I'd realized it sooner."
 

aleksandra

Member
jaasx, I already posted my comment on your story but I feel I have to add some things. I read your post once again. You really had some bad stuff happening - what that girl said was really evil, but she would of never said it if it was actually true.... got the picture? Even if she did mean it, you have to know that its not true! The main problem about us (sufferers from low self esteem) is that we value ourselves only by opinions of others (not only, but we tend to believe more in bad then the good ones) THATS WRONG!!
Thinking about past memories in a sad way wont help you. I'm sure there are a lot of good ones too (you acctually mentioned a lot of them) which can overwrite that stupid comment that stupid girl made and all the other things which caused the way you feel and think about yourself now. I use to do that too, going over and over again through situations that happened years ago and thinking how embarrassing some of them were, feeling miserable and I did A LOT of self pitting. Those thoughts are preventing you to start feeling better. Realistically, none of those situations aren’t that bad as they seem to YOU. Look around you and you’ll see many people humiliating themselves or being picked on or assaulted, yet they manage to deal with that and don’t take it so serious. Everyone is being treated bad sometimes, but it’s all about learning not to take it so serious as, unfortunately, there are and there will always be people who will find a reason to act bad. I know that some persons are like born with self confidence or have a good feedback in their family and surroundings to easily build one, but self confidence doesn’t necessarily come that easy and most of the people have to work hard to gain it. And it doesn’t matter how old you are - that’s what I learned from my therapist - SA CAN be cured at any age as it can also develop at any age.
As I said before, I really don’t believe you don’t want to get better. You just think its impossible. It’s not impossible, you must acknowledge it. But one thing is true – you cannot do it alone. I always considered myself quite reasonable and capable of getting over everything. I went through some really tough situations – like being alone through 3 months of constant bombing during the war, I didn’t even want to go to the shelter although everyone was. I was always able to analyze myself deep within, I also believed that I was actually very tough - I even beat without a therapist and meds a really deep depression when I was at my teens (after I happened to found my grandmother, who I use to live with, hanged in the bathroom) and many other pretty much disturbing events in my life. But when my SA started to develop, I realized I couldn’t help myself, I felt it was something stronger then me. When I started seeing a therapist I figured I was totally mislead by my thinking. I wasn’t aware that not just I’m not helping myself, but I’m making it worse. In any situation I would feel shy or insecure I used to get so mad at myself thinking that by being angry I’m actually motivating myself to get better. No need to say that was such a mistake, cause that’s exactly how SA develops!! And that’s just ONE of the things I was doing wrong, completely unaware it was self destructing.
I was skeptic before I went to a therapist, I wondered what he could say that I already didn’t know. But that was wrong. It means a lot when someone who is an expert in the way human’s mind works tells you that you’re not insane, that it is just wrong thinking about yourself. Then you can look at a therapy as a training, as a learning process. He also said that SA is one of the minor things any psychiatrist is dealing with, its totally treatable.
I truly hope I motivated you even just a bit. You can also find on internet some successful stories in overcoming SA (and I don’t mean the commercials for videos, tapes, etc.). Good luck!

And keep in mind you can always find a bunch of soulmates here!! :wink: - reason more not to hate the whole world
 

Flax

Active member
I don't really have any advice since I can't fix my own problems. But I am similar to you in that I haven't had a girlfriend, I haven't had sex, kissed anyone and the most intimate was hugs I would get by this one girl in high school. I think I may be different in that I probably had a shot with several girls, but I was afraid. I mean you at least attempted to ask a girl out, I never came remotely close. I never come a million miles near remotely asking women out. I'm twenty-one and I feel like if I just have one girl that I like ask me out and we date for a little while then I could at least say I've had a girlfriend. I avoid conversations about sex, dating, and the sort like it is my executioner. I know I would reply extremely honestly if I were ever asked about my love life, but I'm afraid of what they will think or respond with. I can recall one time a guy in one of my classes said, "Hey that girl over their likes you." I thout he was full of sh** and said "yeah right." But I glanced over at her a few times during the year and caught her looking at me with a smile. I have had a few situations like this and every time it's happened I got nervous and did something to escape the situation. I then think about what happened and say to myself over and over, "They didn't really like you why would they like you?" Eventually I see the girl that liked me with another dude, and I think, man I really screwed that up.
I always think about the past and I say to myself if I could go back with what I know now and relive the experience then I would have gone out with many girls. Heh, then what is stopping me from going out with girls now? F****d up isn't it (social anxiety).
 

toeknee

Member
Has anyone here thought about internet dating? I tried all the other ways of trying to get dates with girls but I just found it impossible. On the internet you can chat to girls online without any pressure and get to know them and this goes for women aswell!
Through self help books and therapy I have achieved some pretty impossible things for someone who is shy. For example I can eat out alone in resturants and even go to pubs on my own sometimes. Of course I stick to the country pubs, not the really loud town pubs with lots of people. But at the same time I still feel some anxiety about talking to people and especially when I'm out with my friends. I feel really awkward dancing and look like a zombie when I'm on the dance floor. I see all these other people making fools of themselves with very little grace I still can't let myself go! When i go out with a large group of people, and with friends of friends, it can be so difficult because I don't know where to turn to because people start mingling and I'm left on my own. Heaven forbid I should try and make a conversation with someone new because they will not like it. But then again why would they? The last time I was out with my female friends I was making a conversation with this girl and I thought I was doing really well! But there came a point when she turned away from em and started talking to someone else. Later in the night they were all on the dancefloor but I didn't really feel like dancing because I knew I would be criticised for the way I was dancing. Because I remember when I was out with 2 female friends of mine in Nightclub. I was trying to dance with them and one of them the not so nice one said "are you dancing or are you just standing there?" I felt so small and went of the dance floor. But its interesting I have noticed lots of other people in clubs and dancing on their own because it looks like they're enjoying themselves!
 
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