Am I being paranoid?

[jhanniffy]

So for me it is really hard to met people, make friends, get close to someone, let them in, trust. At the moment I am almost finished a one year course and have had a nice small groups of friends while doing it.

Over the last month I have been noticing one of the girls is trying to get closer to me. She is a lot like me but in a lot more open (she doesn’t have sa or anything, we just share a lot of the same options and stuff). I remember when we first met I would feel embarrassed for her when she would say some stuff in class but I have gotten used to it now. At the moment she is treating me like a real friend, showing an interest in me and even organising stuff for us to do together (which never happens, I always have to organise stuff if I want to do anything with anyone). She is trying to get me to stay at hers next week so I don’t have to spend the week at home and so we can work on our psychology assignment together. She rings me everyday asking how I’m doing in my assignment, asking for help with hers or if I need help.

Add in the fact that she is moving away in May I’m finding it hard to trust her. I have this feeling in my head that she is just using me to do well in her assignment, get notes when she is out and update her when she misses class. I am the type of person who would do anything for anyone if they need help in college as I am in everyday and go to every single class (freak I know, but feel if I miss one class I will not be able to catch up) and am a complete pushover even if it does annoy me to do to. I know I should be great full to have someone as a friend but I really don’t want to feel used again.

 

[k123dave]

How much are you helping her and how much of the class is missing?

 

[jhanniffy]

She is out every now and then, but leaves early throughout day or comes in late, including tom, rings me every night! Asks me to read over her work asking if she left out anything, if its too long short ect...

 

[dooby-duck]

I was like that too in uni. I was at nearly every session for three years. I remember being used in school by a lad who just wanted to copy maths homework. The way I could tell I was being used is that he was only my friend when he wanted something. If your friend is around to do social things with away from the work I suppose that shows she is a real friend or really crafty.

 

[k123dave]

hmm, it's tough to say if she is or not. is it the first thing she talks to you about when she rings? if you change topic will she change it back to the work? if yes to the two questions, I would be very hesitant to help her any more, but it's tough to do that if she is nice and sweet to you.

 

[jhanniffy]

Gurr- I guess if I hold back a bit, see if she sticks around - thanks

 

[k123dave]

Please keep us updated. I will keep my fingers crossed that she is a good 'un. *hug*

 

[Scooter]

Maybe she's just using it as an excuse to speak to you.....c'mon people! I know we're all paranoid, but there's still hope! Look for the positive

 

[k123dave]

Ha, true! I do think it's best to be aware of the worst case scenario, I really do hope she isn't just using you, jhanniffy. It's terrible to be used, I wasn't used by my friends (I don't think ^_^;; ) and simply the thought makes me uncomfortable. We aren't rugs to be used and thrown out. ::

 

[mads]

Ha, true! I do think it's best to be aware of the worst case scenario, I really do hope she isn't just using you, jhanniffy. It's terrible to be used, I wasn't used by my friends (I don't think ^_^;; ) and simply the thought makes me uncomfortable. We aren't rugs to be used and thrown out. ::

I have to disagree, not the part of being used, that is horrible but the part of be aware of the worst case scenario. If you always think about worst case, you will always try to find signs even the ones that arent there, that your thought of being used is true, so I belive it is better to just think positve and if it should happen that you get used by someone, you have to take it from there.

 

[k123dave]

I have to disagree, not the part of being used, that is horrible but the part of be aware of the worst case scenario. If you always think about worst case, you will always try to find signs even the ones that arent there, that your thought of being used is true, so I belive it is better to just think positve and if it should happen that you get used by someone, you have to take it from there.

Hmmm, am I wrong? I don't know! Let me explain my thinking a little bit:
Being aware of the worst case scenario is partly how I deal with my SA. It is not about dwelling on negative thoughts, or letting them mushroom into something that affects your attitude. It is about not letting 'tunnel vision' affect your judgement of the situation at hand. It is about saying what could happen, not what will or what won't.
I use this thinking because it prepares me for the worst, so that when it happens I can be positive and say 'I thought about this happening, it has, so I can now push it to one side and move on'.
Just my 2p. Feel free to shoot me down

 

[mads]

Hmmm, am I wrong? I don't know! Let me explain my thinking a little bit:
Being aware of the worst case scenario is partly how I deal with my SA. It is not about dwelling on negative thoughts, or letting them mushroom into something that affects your attitude. It is about not letting 'tunnel vision' affect your judgement of the situation at hand. It is about saying what could happen, not what will or what won't.
I use this thinking because it prepares me for the worst, so that when it happens I can be positive and say 'I thought about this happening, it has, so I can now push it to one side and move on'.
Just my 2p. Feel free to shoot me down

I think it really depends on the person. It certainly dont work with me but if it works with you then great

I wont shoot you down, not a member of the NRA

 

[Demnos]

Scooter, you really crack me up, mate. Always good to see your posts.

In general though, guys: people use each other all the time. In fact, all relationships are about how useful one person (or group of people) is to another. It could be for company, social energy, personal affirmation, escapism, sex, acceptance or the pursuit of an ideal. This lady is DEFINITELY using you. However, I’d say that there is only a slim chance she’s using you for your ability to manage her homework.

She’s more likely using you for more delicate, human, and infinitely more implicative reasons (as listed above). The same reasons ALL people get into relationships and fall in “love”.

Is she definitely not using you for your ability to do homework? No, she may well be using you for that. Is the chance that she isn’t worth the risk that she is?

Absolutely!

Relationships and trust are all about risk. The risk in this case is minimal. If she is using you then you’ve been tricked into doing homework for someone. If not (which, I think we agree, is infinitely more likely), then you’ve helped someone with their homework while building a relationship with them.

Don’t get bogged down with this, mate. We all find what we’re looking for, and right now you’re looking for a reason to enforce your own lack of self esteem. You’re convinced you’re of no social value so you’re trying to make nefarious excuses for your situation. That’s natural. We all do that, with or without SA.

If you take the risk you may find love/comradery. If you don’t take the risk you definitely won’t. The equation is just that simple.

 

[James1]

Its really not for me to say whether you are paranoid or not about your experience with the girl your talking about. However, the simple fact is sometimes we have to gamble and take chances when it comes to relationships. Pls for your own good learn to be patient. Friendships and strong, fulfilling bonds take time to develop, it might be this girl or it might be some one else, just prepare yourself mentally for whatever outcome - good or bad, when it comes to this girl!