Abandonment issues

April72

Well-known member
#1
I'm embarrassed to begin a new thread. Some days ago, I was called an attention seeker. But, I know the user who said this was a bit angry with me and doesn't know me at all.

I had lost my best friend due to abandonment issues. He is also an avoidant but has this problem as well that has to be with an intense fear of rejection, so he left before this rejection takes place. At least, this is how I understand the cycle of abandonment.

I know understand better those avoidants who said that they are afraid of hurting people.

It seems that some avoidants have this issue.



Do you have it? Have you overcome it in some way? How?

I'm trying to know this aspect of AvPD that affects my friend.

Thank you!
 

Aylaa

Well-known member
#3
Hmmm well I do also have a very strong fear of rejection but for me that usually means I won't be the one to take the initiative, someone else has to come to me (although I am working on that!). If someone tries to be my friend, I won't reject them. One exception could be if I've met someone online and they suggest meeting up, I might be scared I will disappoint them IRL..... but I think I'd still go ahead with it.

If it is clear that someone accepts me, I will not try to push them away or break off contact. Even if I may be convinced that person doesn't really care about me and will eventually leave me, I'll wait for that to happen naturally.

Only one case where I have someone blocked on FB out of self protection - I really want to hear from this person and wish they would apologize, but I know realistically that they won't. So I've taken that possibilty away from them to avoid the disappointment from them not writing me, I've made it my choice.

I can see where the being afraid of hurting people comes from, but I personally don't have that because I assume people don't care about me. If they don't care, I can't hurt them much. I'm more afraid of annoying people than hurting them. For instance, there's this friend that I have been apping with pretty much daily, but it was always me sending the first message. So I got worried that I might be annoying her and I've stopped writing, waiting for her to write me first.

Edit: and I just realized there is absolutely no advice for you in there at all..... Sorry!
 
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Aylaa

Well-known member
#4
You cant over come abandonment issues as its ingrained as an infant!!

I have very strong abandonment fears.
Maybe you can never overcome them 100%, but I believe you can definitely learn how to handle these issues better and to trust people.
 

Darryl

Well-known member
#5
G'day Aylaa,

I dont have the confidence that i would assume trust would give.
Plus reading about stages of development it shows the infant stage 0-1 is when the baby learns to trust or mis trust their primary care giver/ mother etc. if the child finds their parent reliable etc then they move successfully to the next stage of growth if not then are constantly frustrated that their needs are not met.

My abandonment fears are just a natural knee j erk reaction at the first sign of a dynamic change.
 

Aylaa

Well-known member
#6
G'day Aylaa,

I dont have the confidence that i would assume trust would give.
Plus reading about stages of development it shows the infant stage 0-1 is when the baby learns to trust or mis trust their primary care giver/ mother etc. if the child finds their parent reliable etc then they move successfully to the next stage of growth if not then are constantly frustrated that their needs are not met.

My abandonment fears are just a natural knee j erk reaction at the first sign of a dynamic change.
But that doesn't mean that it can't be changed. Have you ever looked into schema therapy? Abandonment is one of the schemas and you can learn about how to handle it. I'm not saying it will go away completely, but it can lessen the impact of it on your life.
 
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