thoughts

I have taken an honest evaluation of my past, and how I got where I am today. I was a happy teenager a few years ago, before my first hospitalization for obsessive violent thoughts. For some reason, I have felt like a bad person from the age of 17...over thoughts. I didn't get where I am overnight; it was actually a self-defeating cycle that progressed over 5+ years. My thoughts changed from impulsive violent thoughts of pushing people in front of vehicles to being 23 and thinking i'm a pedophile. It's always a ****ing self-defeating "affliction" I have, never allowing me to be happy. Judgement from others concerning my impulsive decisions or awkward behavior only reinforces my doubts about myself. I'm just a weak, confused person. I'm starting to realize these new thoughts are just as pointless as my violent thoughts, which I recovered from 100%. The mind is a powerful tool, and somehow I managed to paint myself in a corner letting these thoughts control me.

I am in the obsessive violent thoughts category, like I can't fall asleep without picturing that I'm a serial killer, it is the only thing that makes me relaxed. and in mid panic i get worried that my body is going to go out and hurt others even though I don't want it to, and it scares the hell out of me. The best advice I've been given is that you are not crazy, because if you realize what thoughts you are having then you can't be by definition, and that a lot of times the thoughts that are so self deprecating are the opposite of how you act in everyday life and it is your brain trying to balance itself out

Thank you for this post by the way

The violent thoughts are pretty horrible to endure. I have found that actually picturing them, or picking up a knife and saying to yourself "Oh no, I'm a knife-weilding psychopath!" in a sarcastic manner is quite an amusing form of therapy.

frogger said:

The violent thoughts are pretty horrible to endure. I have found that actually picturing them, or picking up a knife and saying to yourself "Oh no, I'm a knife-weilding psychopath!" in a sarcastic manner is quite an amusing form of therapy.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I'll definitely give that a shot! My only problem is that the second I get the idea in my head that I'm crazy then it starts to manifest, like, if i say "I'm drunk" then my brain starts to think that it is, but I'm pretty sure this just stems from a history of drug/alcohol abuse so I am very susceptible to mental shifts

I know exactly what you mean by "the thought starts to manifest". However, the actuality is that you are only thinking the thought. Think to yourself which is more satisfying for your life. Does harming others sound like something that would make your life more satisfying, or are you terrified of the thought? I think the later, because you wouldn't be on this site if you were a psychopath. You wouldn't give a ****.

hahaha! true story! definitely the latter

Its a never ending battle, but we will win.

if somebody upsets me i get very bad violent thoughts but i deal with it in the ebst way i can, punching stuff and chucking crap around to get out the frustration.