This live is so heavy and long to live.

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alok

Member
This life is so heavy and long to live.

All my life i studied hard , everybody said "go get good grades you will get a good life ahead ," and i did what they said . Life wasn't that bad at that time, i was living with my parents . i was a shy guy but cheerful and happy , girls in my class liked me may be because i was good at studies and a positive guy or maybe shyness. I got admission in one of the finest college in my country, it was like a dream come true,when i entered college the hell was unleashed at me , a new place ,no parents , no friends . I made friends but it was so difficult to keep friendship , i wasn't able to make eye contact with anyone and my
thoughts were turning to demon and my way of talking changed ,rudeness in my voice , and i walked like zombie ,everyday at college was a battle , a torture . I wasn't able to concentrate to for a second in the class .the kid with higher aims was lost because now all my energy was diverted to keep me normal , all my aims , hopes , dreams were faded in my social anxiety. i was so weird at college i stopped talking to girls , there was a whom i liked so much i never talked to her because i knew i couldn't keep up with relationship . I behaved weirdly and i stopped contacting my old friends .I stopped going to parties and didn't attend my cousin's . I didn't want to talk to my mom , she cared about me so much, i cried sometimes thinking about her she was so good to me and i hadn't a heart to talk to her . I failed in exams , i started smoking ,i thought marijuana could help me relieve my social anxiety i bought it from a dealer and soon i realised it couldn't help me , and i stopped smoking it , i joined gym i bulked up little bit but my social anxiety was still there even going to gym and face so many people was so painful ,i quit the gym.
studying for exams was so hard so painful my brain was like as if something constantly pinching it .
then i thought of consulting a psychiatrist , gave me medicine , i took them for a month , i quit them because i had my first panic attack the day i forgot to take . I didn't go to psychiatrist again . somehow i passed all the exams , all of my class and friends got placed in reputed companies with good salary packages but i wasn't . how much i was changed from a Bright , ambitious , positive guy to pathetic
sick loser. I struggled for 3 months and landed a good job not better than my friends . At least i got a job .Now i am ****ing dying everyday , every single day, no friends from last four months all the employees have girlfriends, i hate them so much i just feel like to cut their throats , i feel so sick all the time . Everyday i woke up i feel so sad and full of regrets. Whenever i have a dream of my childhood "playing with my brother or mother chasing me to put a bite of food in my mouth". I get extremely sad ,and feel so much emptiness this world feels smaller cant find a place to run and tears comes in my eyes .I know i will die alone but regret is my parents will never know how much i love them , how much i want to live this life but i can't. what i could have become but what i have become .
 
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alok

Member
I have friends but i am full of anxiety, i feel autistic in social situation s .Yes we can be friends .
 

LazyHermitCrab

Well-known member
It's good you got an education and job though because if you didn't then you would have to worry about money and being behind in bills, etc. You could try meetup.com and look up interests you have. There are other ways to make friends than at work. I can't make friends at work because of the extreme generation gap but they're okay to work with. I know you're not happy right now but you should be proud of the things you accomplished. You can still find friends and a romantic partner and whatever else you want. Also you should think of things you like or want to try so you can share them with others...
 

alok

Member
Thanks for replying . yeah i am trying everything
That i can do to improve myself exercising , eating healthy, nofap etc. I hope someday i will get out of my shell. What do you do??
 

PugofCrydee

You want to know how I got these scars?
I guess sometimes when you feel your life is really bad it can help to think of others that are truly worse off (through no fault of their own) than you.

Such as the kids that are born into extreme poverty and LIVE at the rubbish tip and scavenge through the rubbish all day just to survive. I seen this on tv once and seen a 5 year old boy who's parents just abandoned him. He wandered and found other kids HIS AGE at the rubbish tip and that's what they do.

I remember seeing this on TV when my own son was five, and I couldn't understand how he could survive that. It really broke my heart to think of those kids living like that.

I know living in a better environment doesn't equal happiness and depression kill indiscriminately and anxiety cripples. But sometimes when you think your life and or circumstances are so bad you can't cope, it can help to remember there are those who's lives are so bad, they would gladly take on our troubles just to swap places.
 
Re: This life is so heavy and long to live.

All my life i studied hard , everybody said "go get good grades you will get a good life ahead ," and i did what they said . Life wasn't that bad at that time, i was living with my parents . i was a shy guy but cheerful and happy , girls in my class liked me may be because i was good at studies and a positive guy or maybe shyness. I got admission in one of the finest college in my country, it was like a dream come true,when i entered college the hell was unleashed at me , a new place ,no parents , no friends . I made friends but it was so difficult to keep friendship , i wasn't able to make eye contact with anyone and my
thoughts were turning to demon and my way of talking changed ,rudeness in my voice , and i walked like zombie ,everyday at college was a battle , a torture . I wasn't able to concentrate to for a second in the class .the kid with higher aims was lost because now all my energy was diverted to keep me normal , all my aims , hopes , dreams were faded in my social anxiety. i was so weird at college i stopped talking to girls , there was a whom i liked so much i never talked to her because i knew i couldn't keep up with relationship . I behaved weirdly and i stopped contacting my old friends .I stopped going to parties and didn't attend my cousin's . I didn't want to talk to my mom , she cared about me so much, i cried sometimes thinking about her she was so good to me and i hadn't a heart to talk to her . I failed in exams , i started smoking ,i thought marijuana could help me relieve my social anxiety i bought it from a dealer and soon i realised it couldn't help me , and i stopped smoking it , i joined gym i bulked up little bit but my social anxiety was still there even going to gym and face so many people was so painful ,i quit the gym.
studying for exams was so hard so painful my brain was like as if something constantly pinching it .
then i thought of consulting a psychiatrist , gave me medicine , i took them for a month , i quit them because i had my first panic attack the day i forgot to take . I didn't go to psychiatrist again . somehow i passed all the exams , all of my class and friends got placed in reputed companies with good salary packages but i wasn't . how much i was changed from a Bright , ambitious , positive guy to pathetic
sick loser. I struggled for 3 months and landed a good job not better than my friends . At least i got a job .Now i am ****ing dying everyday , every single day, no friends from last four months all the employees have girlfriends, i hate them so much i just feel like to cut their throats , i feel so sick all the time . Everyday i woke up i feel so sad and full of regrets. Whenever i have a dream of my childhood "playing with my brother or mother chasing me to put a bite of food in my mouth". I get extremely sad ,and feel so much emptiness this world feels smaller cant find a place to run and tears comes in my eyes .I know i will die alone but regret is my parents will never know how much i love them , how much i want to live this life but i can't. what i could have become but what i have become .

Alok. Good that you shared your thoughts with us. I will tell you one thing and only one thing. life wont end here. What you are facing now, I am facing it for past 4 years. Yes, working for past 4 years. Seeing people progress and I am just sitting and trying to live and survive this competitive world. Dont worry. I know how it feels. But see, I survived and going to survive in future. So will you. Just keep moving on. For your parents, for people who love you. There are people who will make you feel hate and sorry for your life. But understand one thing, somehow, you are precious for someone. Dont worry, you will survive. But just keep fighting. Take meds and consult someone. Believe me. in long run, it will work. You will find someone, one day, who will love you for what you are. and even you wont, you have your parents, your siblings. Live for them. Dont worry, we are in the same boat. atleast seeing that will make you feel atleast some better. I hope it does. anyways. you can msg me anytime. maybe, we can help each. sharing always help. remember it. :)
 

alok

Member
Re: This life is so heavy and long to live.

Alok. Good that you shared your thoughts with us. I will tell you one thing and only one thing. life wont end here. What you are facing now, I am facing it for past 4 years. Yes, working for past 4 years. Seeing people progress and I am just sitting and trying to live and survive this competitive world. Dont worry. I know how it feels. But see, I survived and going to survive in future. So will you. Just keep moving on. For your parents, for people who love you. There are people who will make you feel hate and sorry for your life. But understand one thing, somehow, you are precious for someone. Dont worry, you will survive. But just keep fighting. Take meds and consult someone. Believe me. in long run, it will work. You will find someone, one day, who will love you for what you are. and even you wont, you have your parents, your siblings. Live for them. Dont worry, we are in the same boat. atleast seeing that will make you feel atleast some better. I hope it does. anyways. you can msg me anytime. maybe, we can help each. sharing always help. remember it. :)

Thanks for replying , i really feel bad if someone is
Suffering like me .one thing that really hurts is
"Why fu*king me , why not some other diseases?"
But believe me i will change i am trying damn hard
Yes parents are the only reason i am alive , but i have decided i will keep pushing my self until i
Will not inner peace. I am trying some supplements that are helping me lil bit to live through a day
 
Re: This life is so heavy and long to live.

Thanks for replying , i really feel bad if someone is
Suffering like me .one thing that really hurts is
"Why fu*king me , why not some other diseases?"
But believe me i will change i am trying damn hard
Yes parents are the only reason i am alive , but i have decided i will keep pushing my self until i
Will not inner peace. I am trying some supplements that are helping me lil bit to live through a day

keep trying Alok. You are not alone. :)
We are all here for a reason. We all somehow face similar kind of issues. Keep trying. :perfect:
 

alok

Member
I guess sometimes when you feel your life is really bad it can help to think of others that are truly worse off (through no fault of their own) than you.

Such as the kids that are born into extreme poverty and LIVE at the rubbish tip and scavenge through the rubbish all day just to survive. I seen this on tv once and seen a 5 year old boy who's parents just abandoned him. He wandered and found other kids HIS AGE at the rubbish tip and that's what they do.

I remember seeing this on TV when my own son was five, and I couldn't understand how he could survive that. It really broke my heart to think of those kids living like that.

I know living in a better environment doesn't equal happiness and depression kill indiscriminately and anxiety cripples. But sometimes when you think your life and or circumstances are so bad you can't cope, it can help to remember there are those who's lives are so bad, they would gladly take on our troubles just to swap places.

Thanks for replying
Yeah i try to think about the suffering of other
When i am extremely depressed which is i am most of the time .
 
Hi Alok
I felt like you for a really long time. Don't want to tell you how old I am but I tried so hard to beat this thing. I've tried everything. Finally the last few years I started anti depressants and they helped alot.. I also did one of those social anxiety classes and it all helped a bit. At least I no longer have to pretend I'm normal so much. I also stopped comparing myself with other people. How come it comes so easy to others . Its horrible how it interferes with your life so much isn't it. But when you think about it you know that all your friends will have their own different challenges and from what you are saying I can see you have already learnt how to push yourself and keep going and have amazing determination. You will be able to use that all your life. Just remember you are who you are and thats okay. Try and accept yourself as you are as there is nothing wrong with being shy . (Just smartly holding back really -the way I see it) but our work and society is not built around us people so we just need some strategies to cope with it. Get some meds . Get some practise. The people who want to be your friends are too scared to ask,
 

andsorry

Well-known member
I’m almost where you are now, except I haven’t got a job. Don’t take out your anger on other people it’s bad. Instead redirect all that hateful energy into finding ways to better yourself. Sometimes success comes later in life.
 
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