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Old 3 Weeks Ago
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w*n*c*a*m w*n*c*a*m is offline
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Hi, you may not remember me but I used to be very active in this site. I started the 'whatever journal' thread when I was in College and finished it after I got married. Now that I'm a mum, I decided to make another part 2 journal thread so I can collect all my thoughts in this new SA journey. I prolly wont be as active as before but I think it will help me to use this thread again as my personal therapy for my SA struggles.

Obviously I'm in my low mood again which is the main reason why I'm back here.

Anyway, my son just recently celebrated his 1st birthday party. The main host is my husband. I am so relieved that the party's over but I still have my post party anxiety mood. I feel a mixture of crappiness, self pity, frustration and... I can't explain it but I feel guilty like butterflies in my stomach has been going on after the party. *sigh*

I'm telling myself I'm overthinking and there's no sense dwelling about the party. Afterall, it wasn't so bad and I kept telling myself that I wasnt the one who organized it. But as a parent I felt like I should be responsible as well. I think I am more worried about what people thought about me....

Pause:
Son's awake. I'll continue later
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Old 3 Weeks Ago
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Continuation:

I'm not very organized in expressing my thoughts so I'll randomly write it down.

- The majority of the guest are my husband's friends. TBH all of them are from my husband's social network and I only became acquainted to them because of him. So that party only reminds me of my Social incompetency *sigh*

- I did try to mingle with the guests but the majority of time I sat at the corner with the people I'm most comfortable with. It was a buffet party at the hotel and my husband forgot to get drinks. One of the guest initiated serving drinks and I seriously felt like crap, that I should have thought of doing it. I should be helping my husband but I'm too focused on my comfort to be even aware of properly hosting guests.

- My son loves playing with kids, strangers likes playing with him and he gives a shy smile but he doesn't like to be held by people whom he doesnt see often. I believe this is normal for some kids and it doesnt automatically make my son socially doomed like me. However, I feel like people are secretly blaming me when my son shy away to people. One of the guest even told my son "Oh you shouldnt be shy like your mum. You should be like your thick skinned daddy". I just smiled but TBH it hurts even if it's true. I'm afraid people will give him too much pressure to become like his dad. For me, I want him to grow up confident in his own pace. Afterall, my husband said he was a very shy guy up until in College. I take my son to play activities and his grandma takes him outdoors and mingle with local neighbor and kids everyday.

- I feel really fake and awkward during greetings and goodbyes. Saying hello & how are you's and goodbye are no problem but husband and MIL and most of the people I see, shakes hand, hugs or kisses cheeks when doing it. I really really dread doing it. It's weird how my hubby and MIL initiates those actions and I'm there giving my lame Hello/ Goodbye. The only time I hug or shakes hand is when it's the other person who initiates it. I couldnt for the life of me do those things voluntarily. And that makes me feel crappier.

- I really hate parties not only because of the people but because I will feel the same inferiority & shts after. If it's just me, I'm contented with being a bit of a social outcast as long as I'm with the people whom i matter most. But then party slaps me the reality of my social weakness. If there's only no need for me to host parties then I wouldnt feel so sht like this. *sigh*
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