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Old 04-19-2014
 

So I finally decided to post my pic. No groupie, just me. This one is quite different because I usually post filtered/colored/edited images that doesn't really look like me at all... just shows how "secure" I am with myself (not!).

But today... after hesitating a million times, I posted a raw phone camera shot of me looking so happy in my FB page. For a change, I want to look genuine in my even if I see lots of facial flaws. But I was surprised that friends seem to appreciate my real pic more. And so before I change my mind... I will share this to you guys.
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Old 04-29-2014
 

I am so stressed out since the 2 guy tenants came... They will only stay for a couple of weeks but it feels like a burden. Worse is the bathroom door's lock is broken so i have to put a frikkin door sign. It is not helping a bit since im still too paranoid that theyll accidentally miss the sign and open it. The youngey guy looks friendly though but the older one looks like a hulk and he intimidates me a lot. Today i was forced to go out so i can eat lunch outside because both of them are in the kitchen. A lot of times that ive missed lunch as im too anxious to show up. What to do? *sob*
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Old 04-29-2014
 

Its affecting my diet... And my face got all pimply which ia not helping at all. Now im in the train to eat ourt. Im planning to do some groceries to cook a meal.but i dont know how ill be able to do that later... Anyway i looked at the mirror and i noticed that im becoming a bit on the chubby side so maybe starving myself isnt a bad idea. What i am saying... No im hungry like really hungry right now and i cant wait to arrive at a nearby restaurant
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Old 04-29-2014
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^^Enjoy your meal.
Eating a lot outside may cause pimples, if you take a lot of junk food.
Hopefully you will post your pic here too
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Old 04-29-2014
 

^^ well, I end up eating some Chinese food outside. I know junk food is bad but because I'm so stressed I couldn't help but bring some comfort food. I know it's unfair to hate those 2 guys but they really piss me off since they're making me so uncomfortable. Breakfast I can manage since I wake up early so by that time they wake up, I'm already finished. I just eat dinner when they're asleep but lunch time is always my problem and I couldn't ignore my hunger. How can I enjoy food when there's 2 strange men with me in room. I can manage the younger one because he looks friendly and we said our hellos several times. But the hulk guy looks scary and arrogant. I want 2 weeks to be over.
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Old 04-29-2014
 

Just a thought:

I'm supposed to post this in 'what are you feeling' thread but because it will be too lengthy, I decided to write it here instead.

What am I feeling right now?

I am feeling so frustrated with life.

I remember when I was a teen and I tell to myself that I'll start things over while I'm still young. I have a lot of things that I wanna do. I know it's a bit materialistic but it was my dream to have tons of clothes and dress up... show my fashionable side. I loved watching girly chic flicks as they inspire me a lot. But I never really applied it in my youthful days. I felt like spending money for clothes was a waste... I felt like my loser self doesn't suit acting pretty anyway. So I just released my creative side by making my own paper dolls and drawing stylish clothes for them... I even bought a barbie doll to design clothes but I wasn't that skillful in sewing anyway.

So why am I saying this? It's because I'm now in my late 20's and I'm still the dull boring me. I did some shopping but when I looked at the mirror, I felt a bit sad because I feel like it's too late to do dress ups and I'm not as youthful looking as before. All I see is the uglier than ugly me at the mirror.

You know what scares me more: That I will still have this frustration when I become a nana... and that time it will be really too late.
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Old 04-29-2014
 

They are frikkin back!!!!! why so early?!!!!
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Old 04-29-2014
 

So I read a 'how to appear confident when you are not' article... and the first thing it says is to 'make eye contact'.

The hell is that! Yes, it's probably easy to fake if you're not a frikkin blusher like me!!!! It's an automatic reaction... I cannot stop it! Sheesh I'm hopeless.
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Old 05-08-2014
 

I am having anxiety attack these past few days. I think it was triggered by the 2 tenants and it is affecting my nerves even at work. Tomorrow theyre going home and i am so glad. However i dont think the effect would subdue soon. Right now i am going to work feeling so nervous for no other reason. Yesterday i made a simple mistake and i was told off. And it made me feel so upset already. Today i feem kike im gonnmess up things again so i feel a bit sick. At the same time im reminding my self to stay calm and concentrate. Apart of me just wanted to scream and release all the tension. Im sure of something triggers me again i might just do it and thats what i am trying to avoid. Its not just the situation that im afraid of... Its more of myself doing more stupid things. I hope everything ends well today. Jeeez i am really nervous
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Old 05-08-2014
 

These are the days when i ask myself why i wasnt born normal... It is so unfair. I know this is a biological thing... I just know it.

On rare occasion i feel confident and so sure of myself for no other reason too. Its just i woke up with that feeling. I bet normal people feel that same way all the time. I easily get jittery drinking a cup of coffee... I blush so much when i run or even when i laugh... Not just when im shy... Basically somethings really oversensitive in my system.
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Old 05-15-2014
 

somebody please help me. i dont know whats happening to me today. i woke up feeling so tired and lazy. i have no motivation to move to work. I am so teary today. I called sick and I felt so guilty which made it worse. I ate like a slob today like I just put all the food in my mouth in a hurry. If you see me today you'll think I'm nuts. I think deep inside I feel depressed and today it just went all out. I am crying right now I don't know why but I think it's the frustration. I feel so ugly so incompetent so worthless and I am more frustrated because I really have no reason to cry for. I am crying like stupid. I am stupid. If this is hormones then f&ck it!!! I hate hate hate this.
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Old 05-15-2014
 

i hate that i kept saying today in that entry. i hate my grammar. i hate that i have to type everything in english. i hate that i frikkin need to make all sentence start in capital letters. well i wont do it. i cant calm down. i cant calm down. i am crying again
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Old 05-15-2014
 

my room looks like a trash but i have no energy to clean my room. i hope somebody fix my room... my bathroom... myself... somebody fix me please. fix me i am broken. why am i so lazy why am i soooooo ****inf laaaaaaazy!!!!!
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Old 05-15-2014
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by w*n*c*a*m View Post
somebody please help me. i dont know whats happening to me today. i woke up feeling so tired and lazy. i have no motivation to move to work. I am so teary today. I called sick and I felt so guilty which made it worse. I ate like a slob today like I just put all the food in my mouth in a hurry. If you see me today you'll think I'm nuts. I think deep inside I feel depressed and today it just went all out. I am crying right now I don't know why but I think it's the frustration. I feel so ugly so incompetent so worthless and I am more frustrated because I really have no reason to cry for. I am crying like stupid. I am stupid. If this is hormones then f&ck it!!! I hate hate hate this.
If it's any comfort, you're not alone. I have days like this too and I think it's hormones. Women go through the time of the month and there are certain days where they emotionally crash. I suggest drinking something warm (coffee, chocolate, etc), watching funny videos, and staying positive to get through this.
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Old 07-16-2014
 

Thanks jaim38... I couldn't remember what I did after but I did survive lol

---------------
Anyway, I came here to announce that I am finally married. Yes, to the same guy I've mentioned in my early entries. My one and only.

Somehow, this journal didn't just record my dramas and rants but also how me and my hubby's relationship progressed. It's funny re-reading my old entries about him... like 5 years ago? lol I feel so old

I'm a wife now and maybe someday hopefully I'll be a mom. It's so weird how my plans absolutely changed. Rereading my old entries is like riding a time machine. I feel like talking to that younger self. I remember there was a part when I totally freaked out when he confessed. I imagine myself looking at that girl now saying "hey girl that guy is gonna be your husband so stay calm and don't be too anxious ok??"

For some reason, I feel like this is my last entry here. It's not final (who knows I'll need SPW therapy again, ayt?) ... but at this moment I feel that this post is the perfect closure for this journal.

Till next time
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Old 1 Week Ago
 

Lol it's been a long time since Ive updated this journal. Just to keep it short, I'm still married to the same guy I have mentioned from my past posts... and now I'm a mum of an 8 month old boy.

I still have anxiety but with the help of my hubby, I am managing myself quite well. Being a mother, I am focusing so much on my son's wellbeing and Im trying to do my best not to do the same mistake my mom did.
I take effort to join baby activities (with my husband of course) to help him get acquainted with others.
My son is quite a shy baby but he loves to look at people. Little by little i can see his progress. He used to want to be held all the time but now he sits by himself while looking at other babies and mums and sometimes he even dances to songs or gives his loud baby squeal. It helps that my hubby is there to do more of the socializing part for our baby.
I used to be worried that my son will have SA like me. However, I believe that no one gets born with SA. My son might get my introvert tendency but I know that with the right environment and parenting, We can help him to be a confident person.
I wont be too controlling and critical like my mom. I wont use physical aggression to discipline my son. I will be a better version of my own parents.
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The Following User Says Thank You to w*n*c*a*m For This Useful Post:
FountainandFairfax (1 Week Ago)
Old 1 Week Ago
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I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land.
Elite User
 

That's fantastic. I'm so glad you'e managed to have a fulfilling life.
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Old 1 Week Ago
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by FountainandFairfax View Post
That's fantastic. I'm so glad you'e managed to have a fulfilling life.
Lol thanks
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