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Old 04-10-2012
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
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Old 04-10-2012
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Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
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Old 04-10-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tucktick View Post
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
Good one.
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Old 04-10-2012
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShyandOkay View Post
WHen you look at my picture, you might think it's a cat, all though it's not, it's just in your imagination, just like social anxiety, because..

it's a black seal, don't trust me, i'll proof ya, she makes sounds like a seal and she looks outside the window all day, just like a fearful person, she sings randomly with the birds all day.

<3
Awwww. <3
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Old 04-10-2012
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by KiaKaha View Post
I was going to make a joke about condescension.... but I dont think any of you will understand it.
lol. That has to be my favorite one so far.
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Old 04-10-2012
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Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"

"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.

To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"

AND ALSO:

What happens to Pastors who eat chili dogs? --- They have to sit in their own pew!
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Old 04-10-2012
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What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car? ---Tyrannosaurus Wrecks

How does Hitler tie his shoes? --- With little Nazi's!

What do you call a pig that does karate? --- A pork chop!

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team? --- because she ran away from the ball!

(YES my jokes are the ones you want to tell women you like. Corny punny jokes... that's why they laugh at me and leave
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Old 04-11-2012
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Loud interupting cow
Loud interupt-- MOOOOOOOO!


Get it? You're supposed to interrupt them.

Ok, so two muffins are chillin' in an oven. One muffin turns to the other muffin and says 'Holy **** it is hot in here.' The other muffin turns to him and says, 'Holy ****, a talking muffin!'
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Old 04-12-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tucktick View Post
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
Heh, I like this.
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Old 04-18-2012
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Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner
he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks,
"Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?''

"Sex." he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for awhile."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his

manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they
would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
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Old 04-18-2012
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^ I'm laughing but I hate myself for it!
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Old 04-18-2012
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A New Zealand man was sitting at the table waiting for his dinner. His wife brings him a plate of grass. He says, "What's this?" She replies, "If it's good enough for your girlfriend, it's good enough for you."

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Old 04-18-2012
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Q. What's a cannibal's favourite pop band?

A. M(mmmmm) People.
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Old 04-25-2012
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A class at a medical university,the professors to a female student:
Professor:Tell me miss,what organ gets 7 time bigger in a sexual excitation?
Female student:Hi,hi,hi!
Professor:Wrong!!It's the eye pupil..."Hi,hi,hi!" it's only increasing 3 times!
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Old 05-04-2012
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guy1: hey, you look troubled. is there a problem?

guy2: my wife hired a family driver. young and handsome.

guy1: are you jealous?

guy2: no. i was just wondering because we don't have a car.
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Old 05-04-2012
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a termite walks into a bar and asks is the bar tender here?

A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar, bartender says- sorry, we don't serve food here.

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a pint and a mop...

A tattered piece of sisal walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve rope here - does that apply to YOU?!". The response is, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."
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Old 05-04-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoppy View Post
a termite walks into a bar and asks is the bar tender here?
Oh, gee, this one took me about 30 seconds to get, haha. Slow on the uptake.
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Old 05-04-2012
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A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over"
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Old 05-04-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Iluv View Post
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over"
Ha ha, Johnny.
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Old 05-05-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Iluv View Post
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over"
lol. poor boy
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