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Old 03-20-2012
Boby's Avatar
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Well here goes nothing hope you enjoy the sense of humor of my culture:
"One drunk man leaning on a lamppost.Another drunk man comes an say:
-Excuse me sir...hic...is that the moon or the sun?Pointing towards the lamppost.
-I don't know i'm not from around here."

ok another one with drunk people:

"Midnight...somebody knocks at the door.A women opens the door to see 3 drunk man in front of her,then one of the drunk guys says:
-Good evening good lady,we have come to bring your husband back home... but the problem is we don't remember which one of us is your husband."

ok and last

"A teacher to his student:
-If your are not going to improve your marks i'm afraid i will have to pay a visit to your dad!
Student says:
-No problems...but i must remind you that my dad is a doctor and he charges 500$ per visit!"
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Old 03-20-2012
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Ready for my lame humor?

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
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Old 03-20-2012
Boby's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Iluv View Post
Ready for my lame humor?

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
nice one
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Old 03-20-2012
MikeyC's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Boby View Post
Well here goes nothing hope you enjoy the sense of humor of my culture:
"One drunk man leaning on a lamppost.Another drunk man comes an say:
-Excuse me sir...hic...is that the moon or the sun?Pointing towards the lamppost.
-I don't know i'm not from around here."
Oh, gee. Hahaha.
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Old 03-20-2012
MrJones's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Iluv View Post
Ready for my lame humor?

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Haha that one was not lame at all XD
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Old 03-21-2012
028ellie81's Avatar
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Great jokes guys. I can never remember any
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Old 03-22-2012
 

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

I know I know... I'm sorry...its not like I actively go looking for these jokes or anthing... *cough*
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Old 03-22-2012
MikeyC's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KiaKaha View Post
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

I know I know... I'm sorry...its not like I actively go looking for these jokes or anthing... *cough*
Haha.

I want to create a Rage-comic and put it here. Need to think of a good one.
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Old 03-23-2012
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Daughter: Dad, who do you love more, mom or me?

Dad: You, of course!

Daughter: Is that why you would always tuck me in at night, and make sure I'm well covered with blanket... while you would strip mom of hers including her clothes?
You're really very sweet to me dad. I love you... but I wish you wouldn't be harsh with mom.
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Old 03-23-2012
Illusions's Avatar
Advanced User
 

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints!

(Alternate answer: he's black.)
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Old 03-29-2012
 

Perks of reaching 50
or being over 60 And
heading towards 70 or beyond!

1.
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first.

3.
No one expects you to run --
anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM
(or 9 A M) and ask,
'Did I wake you?

5.
People no longer view you as
a hypochondriac.

6.
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.

7.
Things you buy now
won't wear out.

8.
You can eat
supper at 4 PM.

9...
You can live without sex
but not your glasses.

10.
You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.

11.
You no longer think of speed limits
as a challenge.

12.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in
no matter who walks into the room.


13.
You sing along
with elevator music.

14.
Your eyes won't get
much worse.

15.
Your investment in health insurance is
finally beginning to pay off.


16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down
to a manageable size.
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Old 03-29-2012
dallasthekid's Avatar
Intermediate User
 

why do seagulls fly over the sea?

because if they flew over the bay they would be baygulls.

lol
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Old 03-29-2012
Boby's Avatar
Expert User
 

Ok heard this one today...it's a bit dirty:

A couple having sex.
She: Do you love me?
He:Well what do you think I'm doing here?Pushups?
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Old 04-03-2012
MikeyC's Avatar
Elite User
 

An elderly couple go to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells them that with their memories fading, it might be best to write things down so as to not forget them later on.

Later that day, at home, he goes in the kitchen, and she asks, "honey, can I have a bowl of ice cream?"
"Yes," he replies.
"Do you think you should write it down, just in case you forget?" she asks.
"No, I got it. A bowl of ice cream."
"But I want strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down just in case?"
"No," he replies. "I got it. Ice cream with strawberries."
"I want whipped cream on top of that, too. Do you think you can remember it? Maybe you should write it down?"
"No!" he yells, clearly annoyed. "I can remember it! A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream! It's not that difficult!"

After spending a long time in the kitchen, the husband emerges and gives her a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife looks at it. "Where's my toast?"
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Old 04-03-2012
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Elite User
 

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”
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Old 04-03-2012
 

A man shows up to work one morning feeling low on energy and lacking motivation. His manager notices immediately and goes to console his employee.

The manager says "whenever I'm feeling like you do now, I make sure to have a good time with my wife in every room of my house before I leave for work in the morning. I can't recommend it enough."

The next morning the man shows up to work with a light in his eye and a spring in his step. The manager says "wow, you look a lot more sprightly. Did you follow my advice?"

The employee says "I sure did boss, and I feel a hundred times better. Beautiful house, by the way."
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Old 04-03-2012
montejocarlo's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dallasthekid View Post
why do seagulls fly over the sea?

because if they flew over the bay they would be baygulls.

lol
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kinetik View Post
A man shows up to work one morning feeling low on energy and lacking motivation. His manager notices immediately and goes to console his employee.

The manager says "whenever I'm feeling like you do now, I make sure to have a good time with my wife in every room of my house before I leave for work in the morning. I can't recommend it enough."

The next morning the man shows up to work with a light in his eye and a spring in his step. The manager says "wow, you look a lot more sprightly. Did you follow my advice?"

The employee says "I sure did boss, and I feel a hundred times better. Beautiful house, by the way."
lol. these are good.
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Old 04-05-2012
MikeyC's Avatar
Elite User
 

I have another old person joke:

3 old men are walking down the street.
First man says, "windy, isn't it?"
Second man says, "no, it's Thursday!"
Third man says, "so am I. Let's go get a beer."
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Old 04-05-2012
montejocarlo's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeyC View Post
I have another old person joke:

3 old men are walking down the street.
First man says, "windy, isn't it?"
Second man says, "no, it's Thursday!"
Third man says, "so am I. Let's go get a beer."
hahaha.
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Old 04-10-2012
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Newbie User
 

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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