Shutinshell
Member
These words fill me with rage. I. Just. Cant. I dont know how else to say it. Some people can. Some people at first think they cant but can. I really cant do it. People ask me why and try to come up with reasons. They think I can do it. I'm sick of it all. It's not fair that I cant live the type of life I desire. Because society values these things. I am capable if I was allowed to do it my way alone and by myself.
I wish I could find a man willing to take care of and control me. I want to be controlled, ordered, and demanded. I want to hide from the outside world. I want to be owned. I dont want to have to deal with people unless its professionally. But people cant seem to let me.
Group projects. Forced group projects where you have to join a group on your own and its not assigned. I just cant do that. I cant be the leader. I cant take initiative. I cant make the first move. I cant be the one to open my mouth. The fear is too great. The fear of rejection, humiliation, and of crying in front of people because yes I am a crybaby.
Just when I think things get better they get worse and knock me down again. What makes it worse is when everyone around you brushes it off and just doesnt understand or believe the fear I have. I feel like I freeze, like I'm frozen, like sound stops, and the room is spinning. My face feels hot, I think I can hear my heart beat. My eyes water but I cant cry. I can barely speak. I cant look people in the eye. I want to just disappear.
I wish I could find a man willing to take care of and control me. I want to be controlled, ordered, and demanded. I want to hide from the outside world. I want to be owned. I dont want to have to deal with people unless its professionally. But people cant seem to let me.
Group projects. Forced group projects where you have to join a group on your own and its not assigned. I just cant do that. I cant be the leader. I cant take initiative. I cant make the first move. I cant be the one to open my mouth. The fear is too great. The fear of rejection, humiliation, and of crying in front of people because yes I am a crybaby.
Just when I think things get better they get worse and knock me down again. What makes it worse is when everyone around you brushes it off and just doesnt understand or believe the fear I have. I feel like I freeze, like I'm frozen, like sound stops, and the room is spinning. My face feels hot, I think I can hear my heart beat. My eyes water but I cant cry. I can barely speak. I cant look people in the eye. I want to just disappear.