suicidal because I can never get any sleep and nothing works

Nothing Ever has worked for me. I have been facing the same insomnia for years now and I'm getting fed up. I usually do anyways, but now I'm questioning whether my life has ANY purpose other than to just cause trouble and die hopelessly.

Fuck this society. It doesn't work for anything. Nothing yet has helped. If there was really a god he would respond, for HE KNOWS this world would be better off if I was either dead, or better, because I would use my life for good.

I have tried so many things. I feel like I will never be the same again. I feel like I will always be tired for the rest of my life even if I do start sleeping better. I have so much unbearable pain but EVERYONE seems to just not recognize that anything is wrong with me. They tell me everything is in my f*cking head, they think I am just selfish, delusional, egotistic, etc. Everything is my fault, and I am just a hypochondriac and a lazy f*ck which I believe is simply not true, and I do listen. I listen to everyone. The worst thing someone can do when someone is going through some problems or a real illness is to tell them that they are crazy and delusional. Then of course, to never find a solution.

All people are always saying I'm being negative, this and that. I just imagine my illnesses. That I don't try to find a solution. hell, NOBODY can feel my pain, NOBODY understands, so yeah how in the hell can anybody even know I am going through something? Well not everyone thinks I am just imagining things. I know my FATHER likes to talk down to me at every chance he gets because he is "so much older than me".

But really, is it such a petty problem. People just categorize it as a mental illness.

Take seroquel and you will sleep like a baby

I completely relate to where you are in your life. I, too, suffer from severe insomnia, as well as panic disorder w/ agoraphobia. I was fed up with everything everyone was telling me about how "nothing is wrong with me" and that "I'm lazy" or that "I need to grow up." You're exactly right about the fact that they don't have any idea what it's like to not be able to sleep. That's why you shouldn't listen to a word they have to say about it.
I went through sleeping medication after sleeping medication and nothing ever worked for me. People still talked down to me. I truly thought there was no way out. I was a regular pot smoker (really only used it to escape from my living hell), so I started seeking out other illegal drugs that might help me get to sleep. I had dabbled in opiates before, but never to the extent of which I did at this point in my life. I started using oxycontin and heroin often to get to sleep, and it worked, but only for so long, as I was running out of money, not to mention self esteem and will to live.
I was back to my old insomniac ways, even while using high doses of these drugs along with my prescribed benzodiazepines. This was about the time Heath Ledger overdosed and died on the exact medications I was using. It gave me an idea to go out the same way he did and end my misery.
I proceeded to collect 4 times my usual dosage of oxycontin (160mg, usual dosage 40mg) and half of my prescription of benzodiazepines (60mg of Xanax). I wrote a suicide note on my laptop and proceeded to crush up and snort my 160mg oxycontin and pour the 60 1mg Xanax tablets down my throat with a glass of water. I don't remember a damn thing from that night, other than the fact that I sat, higher than I'd ever been in my life, waiting to fall into respiratory failure. Nobody knew I was doing this at the time. I was completely ready to die.
I awoke the next morning, succeeding at nothing but getting the best night of sleep I'd ever had. I also had this feeling that I'd somehow cheated death and that now was my final chance to live the life that just one night previously I desperately wanted to be over. I decided it was time for a new beginning.
From that point on, I decided that I wasn't going to let any else's opinion of what I do in life have any effect on my actions. I was going to live the life that I wanted for myself and to stop being controlled by my perception of what other people think of me. It didn't matter to me anymore that I had panic attacks daily, because I knew I had the best known treatment to help control them (benzodiazepines). I also started going to cognitive behavioral therapy, and it helped me to put all these thoughts into action...

And after all of this, do you know what started happening? I began to sleep better. I actually returned to the life that I had envisioned before I allowed panic disorder to obliterate my entire consciousness. I'm now headed back to college to be an x-ray technician. I've never felt more optimistic about life.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, suicide isn't going to solve anything. Instead of ending your life, take control of it. Everyone has their own issues, some worse than others. As much as some of us let our issues disable us, just think about how much worse off we could be. We need to forget about this bullshit that we have reinforced into our heads and just live life. Plan your future, take it one day at a time, and make it happen. There will be good days and bad days, but as long as you're doing what makes you happy, then you'll be fine. Forget about whatever label you've been "diagnosed" with and just be an individual. There is nothing wrong with people like us, other than the fact that we're more sensitive than most people, and is that really a problem at all? It can actually be a positive trait. We just need to stop over-analyzing everything and live life because you only get one chance. Luckily, I got a second chance.

I hope this inspires at least somebody who is considering suicide not to do it. It's the most selfish thing a person can do. Just live life...get psychiatric help if you need it...but don't let anybody hold you back from doing what makes you happy.


Peace

Since I don't know what death is really like and no one actually knows, I'm afraid of death . What if it's worse after I die so rashly. Not very rashly perhaps, but it's easier to commit suicide than to come back to life after we die. I want to change myself very much, and hope everyone who wants to change get what they want. Though it seems there is no chance now, but perhaps there will be some day. If I will suffer when I'm dead, I'd rather suffer now when I'm alive.

Thanks for the lengthy post SilentType, I appreciate it. I'm still working on getting a good night's sleep. The chiropractor MIGHT help. I don't even think of suicide as too selfish sometimes. Maybe I don't understand what everyone does.. sometimes I even think it's honorable and the right thing to do. Sometimes I feel so dissociated from the world though, that I start to think that nothing exists so it doesn't matter if I commit suicide. Maybe the whole world dies with me if I do it. The world and my life don't seem real. It seems like a nightmare or orchestrated illusion. It seems like a joke and I'm at the center of it.. I could just be some kind of experiment in some sort of a matrix. nothing is known about the world we live in. We are so f*cking ignorant how can this be? What kind of a sick world is this?


but yeah those were my thoughts. Deep down I don't want to do it but then again I do. And I'm afraid of the pain, of the suffering I might cause. Or I just might not care. About anything. Call me selfish.. I dont care I'll be gone. or maybe I won't. Who knows what really happens after death. All I know is this life is not worth living if it's not worth living, and I don't want to support a bad cause.

:arrow:

whispering_screams said:

you said you tried everything,

What about these ones?

Have you tried staying up for as long as you can, for 5 days straight?

Have you tried masturbating before bed?


They worked for me. But then again, I'm insane.
:evil: :twisted: :lol:



The world doesn't die with you if you commit suicide unfortunately. Everything keeps on going around and around ....and around. The only way to escape from it all is through nirvana (the band obviously) , not suicide.

Click to expand...

I was much worse before I think. In terms of sleep..but now I can't really stay up as much as I used to before because I'm still so tired. I'm so tired enough to not be able to stay up for longer than I used to but still not enough to fall asleep when I need to so...