Stupid thing that happened today

Not sure if anyone knows me. I joined up a while back and have been too indecure to say anything much. I just went a little nuts today and I need to write it down.

I started the day fairly confidantly, relatively speaking. The start of the day is always the worst for me. I have to catch the train every day to get to college, along with a bunch of aquaintances. I hate it because I almost never want to talk to them - I'm just not ready for the stress at that time of morning. But today I said to myself that I didn't have to if I didn't want to, and I stuck to it, and I felt good about it. And my other attempts at speaking throughout the day were, whilst faltering, not too stressful and didn't make me too nervous. Then, a stupid trivial thing happened involving my friend (only one I talk to regularly). It was utterly miniscule (I don't want to explain because it was stupidly small), and it utterly destroyed my self confidance. I was left standing on the spot in throes of self hatred. My ultimate panic moment came next - someone asked what was up. There was no way I could explain without sounding like a moron, so I just said I was fine and batted her away. The next bit was what's left me totally shaken. Someone said a joke or something, and I was right back to where I was before. I thought about this, and became frightened and confused. How can I stand a chance of being confidant if my sense of self worth can fluctuate so wildly? It sent me into thinking that all the moments in the last year or so when I felt as if I made progress were just these plateaus, with the real problem remaining buried away. I knew I had to get home, and I didn't feel safe again until I did.

Can anyone relate?

I can understand this dude

I can have the strangest triggers for my anxiety, and when it happens all i wanna do is get home. In my case (and possibly yours) its a negative thought process that causes this reaction. You are expecting the panic/amxiety after certain situations, and the fear/anticipation of this actually helps to start it off.

Good news is its curable, bad news is it takes time and will power....good luck, hope im not spoating my usual tripe haha

If you can recognize when the anxiety attacks and self-hating moments are out-of-place, useless and unnecessary (like with your friends, as opposed to, say, being sentenced to prison, when it's more appropriate ), as you seem to be doing by noticing, then you've got an advantage. You have to work on recognizing it at the time it happens and countering it through willpower, distraction, CBT techniques, or anything else you can muster.

For instance, I've had some success stopping oncoming panic attacks by forcing myself to concentrate on something--I do long division in my head . The kind you'd do on paper. Like 34,877 divided by 627. (Different ones each time LOL) Trying to do the math and remember where all the numbers are takes up (at least for me, ha!) all the available consciousness. Since my panic attacks are fueled by my realization that "oh shit i'm having a panic attack I hate these and can't stand them they make me have more panic attacks aaaaaugh" , anything that stops me from paying the attack any attention is useful.

This technique can help with depression and mood swings to some degree, too. It's no cure, but it's useful--but only if you can tell at the time that you're having a problem moment. (When I get really depressed, for instance, I think it's reality... so it's still not easy to do.)

Sorry for rambling

I've never really associated that kind of moment with the word pnic attack before... I'll give your method a go anyway.

Appreciated

Wow, that sounds terrible Crying in front of people like that can feel awful - last time it happened to me was a while back, but it was hard to get through it, especially with all the people wondering what was wrong, singling me out and making me feel worse. I hope that you have the strength to give your class another go.

yeah.. i have this experience too in class.. i can't really remember how the thing got started (it was quite a while ago) but i can still remember so vividly the stinging in my eyes i felt like my face was burning bcoz my teacher talked about somthing regarding being soft spoken or something like that.. and she told the class that when u want to knock on someone's door and be heard u have to knock and greet a little loud..unlike me with a soft..mousy voice..and she made a cartoon like voice infront of the class
i think the comment was sth like that.. it really hurts.. and i still remember feeling so powerless as i cannot talk back or answer to whatever she was saying and all i could do was to cry after class..i only remained silence, when the bell rang i ran out..and yeah cried till my eyes they're all red..
I Hate My voice i hate those ppl they crashed my self esteem a lot :evil:

I recognise a lot of the thoughts in the thread even though I don't think what I feel is a panic attack..
Today I was just sitting eating with some people from my class and I comment on someones (an egocentric actor) burger and he just gives me this long lecture that I shouldn't comment on others food because it's rude. I just felt like crap.. and then this other guy starts saying a lot of stuff to me about how stupid I am. Then my mood just went to hell and I get really depressed and angry. Actually I think it was meant ironical.. because these people is what you would call "friends". Even though I often think they are two braindead jokes. Just got two much anger.. aarh. I just want to fit in goddammit and feel good about at the same time. It's all so pathetic.

The last time i cried in public was in a high school class, i think the teacher singled me out and made a comment about living close to me, and all eyes were on me. That made me feel so uncomfortable. i looked at my desk and let the water flood. I actually felt kinda good cause it felt like punishing him for making me do it, adn i looked at him and saw a hint that he is upset and annoyed like when a parent made a child upset. hehe. He didn't single me out anymore after that.

also the ironic thing is, sometimes i anticipate i will blush or something, and i try so hard to prevent it, but in order to do that i concentrate so hard on it i think it is a big reason why i actually turn out blushing...Its so frustrating. i guess i trigger myself